Apparently, I'm poisoning everyone in the family against my Mother . . . . . .

[Witzend]

Hi, Beckylj, Glad you've found TP - it can certainly help to know that this sort of behaviour is 'normal' with dementia and that it's not just you! Do hope your mum will find it a help. My grandmother was much like yours when I was around the same age as you - called me 'that girl' in v disapproving tones and told my mother I was stealing her nightdresses! There's no logic to it - my father in law was convinced that the people next door had stolen a seriously manky old pedestal mat round the bottom of the loo! But this sort of thing is SO common. Here at least you can let off steam to others who know exactly what it's like. Unless they've been at the sharp end, other people usually don't have a clue.
All the best to you and your mum.

[frazzled1]

I recently posted on here about the issues I have with my Mum and the fact we haven't seen each other or spoken for nearly a year, despite me trying to build a bridge.

My big brother who lives in NY phoned me yesterday to advise that he'd just gotten off the phone with Mum and she'd told him that I sneaked into her house and wiped the hard drive of her PC and stolen a load of her paperwork. This is obviously untrue.

My big bro says that I'm all she ever thinks and talks about, that I'm plotting with other members of the family and poisoning them against her. Normally he just lets her rant but this time he couldn't ignore what she was saying as it was so outlandish and tried to talk some sense into her, unsuccessfully.

I'm just at the end of my tether with her and her paranod delusions. I stay out of her life and she still goes on and on about the 'things' I'm trying to do to her, particularly, stealing her house and putting her in a home. I'm ashamed to say that sometimes I feel like I hate her for what she's become and the nastiness that comes out of her mouth.

She's always been the kind of woman who's needed to have an ongoing 'fight' with someone, just never thought it'd be me.

I know that there's nothing that anyone can really do but this forum gives me a place to vent my anger and frustration with others that understand.

Thanks for listening.

yes, we are listening to you and yes, we understand. Its a sad fact of life that occasionally relationships breakdown to the point where they cant be retrieved. When it reaches this level, sometimes its easier to communicate in a different way...e.g. dont pick up the phone anymore to someone who is always "pushing your butons" as it were, put some more distance and time and space between you and just write a little card telling the person you are at your wits end with that you are thinking of them and wish them a Happy Jubilee Holiday weekend....its coming up, so you can write a nice card. the recipient wont find it easy to fight kindness with anger. Writing is more personal than e mails any anyway, people can write them at speed and fire them off and before they know it they have sent something less than polite and accidentally pressed "send"! Ditto phone calls....you cannot unsay something sharp that has ever been said....but writing can be slowly thought about and sometimes pretty or happy images speak better than words ever could. Anyway, make the most of the Jubilee extra holidays coming up...with the addition hopefully of better weather by June, we should ALL be feeling much much better. x

[Delphie]

Hi everyone, Delphie just read your reply to Donbons post and you really struck a chord with me when you said "I still manage to feel guilty that I didn't get the rotten food out of her fridge". I am here as usual in the middle of the night checking out TP and worrying that I keep forgetting to clean Dads kitchen floor, and we keep saying we'll go through his clothes and have a chuck out as he's recently been enjoying buying some new stuff. It's crazy isn't it? We carers spend our time just getting on with the truly difficult stuff and worry ourselves sick about the stain on the back of Dads chair where he steadied himself a few days ago, complete with a huge lemoncurd sandwich. Yes, a few days ago and I'm here making a mental note to not get distracted by all the other stuff and clean the yellow patch off his red chair!! You have to laugh - don't you?

Yes, you do.

[Farmergirl]

I too am the hated daughter with the golden child brother!
I am finding it very hard visiting mum at the mo, and my weeklyvisits have dropped to fortnightly, as I just cant hack the horribleness and relentless demanding.
Mum was moved to a care home 6months ago and I am still getting over having her live with us for almost a year prior to this.
I think I have to accept that she is never going to be a nice person now, and that I should not feel guilty at not visiting - as someone on here told me - if it isnt benefitting anyone, then dont visit.
I see no benefit to mum in me visiting (as it just winds her up) and none to me (apart from making me feel less guilty). Yet, tomorrow, I will go and be shouted at and told Im responsible for her being in a prison cell..........because deep down I love her and it hurts like hell to think she is unvisited.
And yes, I too am sitting with the tears streaming.
Why cant she just die................

[Chemmy]

I see no benefit to mum in me visiting (as it just winds her up) and none to me (apart from making me feel less guilty). .

I suppose the one benefit to both of you is that by occasionally visiting, you can keep a watchful eye on the standard of her care. Unfortunately, further down the road when she is unable to talk to you at all - or prior to that, the days when she ignores you - it's no fun either. But if the staff know you will be dropping in at random times - and it doesn't need to be a long visit - then there's much less chance of complacency on their part in terms of keeping her reasonably well dressed and groomed.

On the 'ignoring' days, and after a very long drive to get there, I used to go and chat or play a game with some of the other more appreciative residents, in another lounge if necessary. That way it didn't seem such a wasted visit and even if I wasn't of any benefit to Mum, I felt I had at least brightened someone else's day. It also gave me an opportunity to discreetly observe the staff at work too. Take in a pack of balloons, blow a couple up and play 'catch' with some of them sitting in their chairs. 5 - 10 mins is probably enough, but I guarantee you'll feel better having made them laugh.

[Onlyme]

Yet, tomorrow, I will go and be shouted at and told Im responsible for her being in a prison cell..........because deep down I love her and it hurts like hell to think she is unvisited.

And yes, I too am sitting with the tears streaming.
Why cant she just die................

And there is the rub. They have died, they are gone as we knew them. All that is left is the shell with a squatter in it.

[Delphie]

And there is the rub. They have died, they are gone as we knew them. All that is left is the shell with a squatter in it.

So true.