Apparently, I'm poisoning everyone in the family against my Mother . . . . . .

[Donbon79]

I recently posted on here about the issues I have with my Mum and the fact we haven't seen each other or spoken for nearly a year, despite me trying to build a bridge.

My big brother who lives in NY phoned me yesterday to advise that he'd just gotten off the phone with Mum and she'd told him that I sneaked into her house and wiped the hard drive of her PC and stolen a load of her paperwork. This is obviously untrue.

My big bro says that I'm all she ever thinks and talks about, that I'm plotting with other members of the family and poisoning them against her. Normally he just lets her rant but this time he couldn't ignore what she was saying as it was so outlandish and tried to talk some sense into her, unsuccessfully.

I'm just at the end of my tether with her and her paranod delusions. I stay out of her life and she still goes on and on about the 'things' I'm trying to do to her, particularly, stealing her house and putting her in a home. I'm ashamed to say that sometimes I feel like I hate her for what she's become and the nastiness that comes out of her mouth.

She's always been the kind of woman who's needed to have an ongoing 'fight' with someone, just never thought it'd be me.

I know that there's nothing that anyone can really do but this forum gives me a place to vent my anger and frustration with others that understand.

Thanks for listening.

[Canadian Joanne]

Donbon, please vent away. Yes, there are times we cannot do anything but must simply grit our teeth and endure. Fortunately, your brother understands the situation so that must make you feel a little better.

Come back whenever you need to let off steam.

[counttoten]

Donbon - I can relate to you. My mother has always needed at least one 'hate figure' in her life. This combined with alzheimer's can make the lives of those trying to help into a nightmare. My mother has been exhausting my father with talk of how she never wants to speak to me or hear of me again. On one hand it is easier for my father (who is her carer) not to be the 'hate figure'. On the other hand, they were visiting me weekly and I was able to serve large meals and give my father a rest.
It is a terrible worry and I too sometimes feel hatred for my mother.
Donbon - do not take your mother's behaviour personally. ANY person who happened to be born her daughter would be on the receiving end of this upsetting treatment.

[Delphie]

I'm just at the end of my tether with her and her paranod delusions.

I know exactly what you mean because I get like that too, completely hacked off at all the abuse and paranoia. I've literally lost count now of all the irrational things my mum has accused me of and blamed me for. If I'm not stealing her house I'm stealing her pension, or I'm dead, or she thinks I'm involved in something she's seen on TV. A few days ago she said I'd stolen her tree, and when I said what tree she pointed at an empty space in the garden and that was her proof that I'd stolen a tree. I ask her but no, she doesn't know how I managed it or what I wanted it for, how would she know that. Bottom line is that she's furious with me but then I've always been bad so what can she do. Poor her, horrible me. Fast forward a few seconds and the whole thing gathers pace as she starts shouting and wishing I'd never been born. I leave and it takes me over 2 hours to get home because the traffic's terrible. And I still manage to feel guilty that I didn't get all the rotten food out of her fridge.

I often think that I've had enough, especially when I'm tried, and I'm mostly tired these days because of all the things I do for her, none of which she appreciates. Yeah, I'm really sick of it.

[Billie61]

Hmmm. I gave up work to look after MIL in my home and find it really upsetting when she says to someone that my OH can stay but "she" can go, referring to me

My life revolves around her needs, but there is no recognition of that from her. Not that I expect thanking for what I am doing, but just not to be dismissed as a nuisance who is in "her house".
Then when she brushes crumbles off the table and onto the floor, before complaining that the floor is dirty!

[Sharon Waugh]

I'm in the boat with you guys! Mum hates me, blames me for being in hospital, for separating her from her son (my older brother who until 10 days ago was her carer) , trying to poison and kill her etc. She really surpassed herself last night when I visited. Told me I should have died when my dad did 12 years ago (my parents didn't get on despite being together for 50 years until he died) and topped it off by saying I was nothing to do with her or my brother (I am very close to my brother but he has always been the golden child). Making me not want to go and see her. Didn't tonight. Couldn't risk that sort of abuse two nights running. But feel guilty for not going! Can't win!

[Jancis]

Hi Donbon,
I totally sympathise. I hope your big bro does too? From experiences we read on TP the paranoia does wane and the frustration and misconceived hate will too.
My best wishes to you and your family and feel free to vent at any time.
Jancis x

[Delphie]

I'm in the boat with you guys! Mum hates me, blames me for being in hospital, for separating her from her son (my older brother who until 10 days ago was her carer) , trying to poison and kill her etc. She really surpassed herself last night when I visited. Told me I should have died when my dad did 12 years ago (my parents didn't get on despite being together for 50 years until he died) and topped it off by saying I was nothing to do with her or my brother (I am very close to my brother but he has always been the golden child). Making me not want to go and see her. Didn't tonight. Couldn't risk that sort of abuse two nights running. But feel guilty for not going! Can't win!

I bet that hurt. It's amazing how people who are so completely unaware on one level still know exactly which buttons to push.

[Sharon Waugh]

It did hurt........alot. X

[elina]

I know what you mean. Before I found this forum I thought I was on my own. When I say to myself or to someone else the crazy things my mum comes up with I couldn't imagine others were going through such similar things.
I am now scared to phone my mum in case she is in a mood with me, saying I want to take her house I want her out of there etc. My mum has for a very long time been very angry with my dad and blamed him for everything. But up until about a month ago she has always been lovely to me.She still says lovely things about my children but is angry with me and my sister and my dad. Thinks that we are all plotting something. The only one she is not angry with is my brother (who himself has various problems) and to make matters worse is agreeing with some of the things she says about me. It is so hurtful. Even though it's the alzheimers making her say these things I find it hard to get my head around how she can say these things. Really know how you feel

[scared daughter]

Oh crickey tears are flowing very fast here.................

My mother has gone from punching me accusing me of forcing her into a home trying to steal her money/house/what ever she could think of...............

She has disowned me, disinherited me, vowed she will kill me.............

I add she has also done this to my sister

She is now passed this phase, she was a difficult parent agressive BUT the disease made her extremely volatile, and its heartbreaking.

I think just seeing others stae thay have been through it as well, even though she is now passed that phase and has no idea its even happened it has still left me shattered...........

I know she didn't actually mean it, but by goodness it hurts. My heart goes out to everyone who has endured this xxxx

[Tooshie]

Dear Donbon,

You are yet another mauled daughter, with another similar tale to tell. Take heart that you have now found some 'soul sisters' who will never judge you no matter how ugly the story.

It's so distressing to have gone through an unhappy Mother/Daughter relationship only to get to the end of their road and you are still having to keep your guard up without being able to fully defend yourself.

Love and hugs to you from one who's living with this too
Tooshie x

[zeeeb]

Wow, that's intense. I really feel for you all of you. It must be heartbreaking to care, and be treated like a dog when you are the one doing the most important and unrecognised care.

I haven't reached that point with mum yet, she's only in the early stages. But I dread it, because she's a nurse, she worked in aged care for the last 10-15 years of her career. So I'm sure the paranoia about trying to stick her in a home, and the knowledge of every little aspect of aged care will make her very very paranoid. As much as you know about a topic, until you live it, you can never be prepared. I think my dad is going to get the shock of his life as she moves through the phases of this disease as he's done no research, and as a typical tradie male, never "done" that whole "caring" thing in his life, that was always mums job.

[Beckylj]

Hi,
I am a new member today and I thought we was all alone until reading the forum.
I am really worried about my mum who has been one of the closest to my grandma, such as seeing her everyday, takes her everywhere, cleans etc... This is because she lives so close when the rest of the family live further away.
My grandma has dementia and over the past few months had started accusing my mum of taking things out of the house for me and my sister, she believes that my sister has her stainless steel nail file that cannot be replaced, and I have her knickers, I'm 29 yrs and my grandma is in her late 70s! This was funny at first but she is starting to dislike us especially my mum and is being aggressive in her manner. My mum is now being accused of breaking her ornaments when she cleaned as well as taking other items, my grandma is now refusing to go to my mums house as she used to go everyday to not going at all.
I can see my mum is getting upset and is trying her best to be normal with my grandma and carrying on as though nothing as changed, trying to change the subject and talk about other things. The hardest part is that my grandma thinks she's fine as far as we know and would think you was lying if you told her she had dementia and that we was plotting against her. It's really hard to see someone close so independent not so long back to being like this and seeing her getting worse.
I am going to show my mum the forum when I see her to show she is not alone and that there is people she can talk to even if it is to let off a bit of steam, or to get some support from people that are on her side and know what it is like.
Thank You, I will take a breath now ☺

[leedsfan]

I know exactly what you mean because I get like that too, completely hacked off at all the abuse and paranoia. I've literally lost count now of all the irrational things my mum has accused me of and blamed me for. If I'm not stealing her house I'm stealing her pension, or I'm dead, or she thinks I'm involved in something she's seen on TV. A few days ago she said I'd stolen her tree, and when I said what tree she pointed at an empty space in the garden and that was her proof that I'd stolen a tree. I ask her but no, she doesn't know how I managed it or what I wanted it for, how would she know that. Bottom line is that she's furious with me but then I've always been bad so what can she do. Poor her, horrible me. Fast forward a few seconds and the whole thing gathers pace as she starts shouting and wishing I'd never been born. I leave and it takes me over 2 hours to get home because the traffic's terrible. And I still manage to feel guilty that I didn't get all the rotten food out of her fridge.

I often think that I've had enough, especially when I'm tried, and I'm mostly tired these days because of all the things I do for her, none of which she appreciates. Yeah, I'm really sick of it.

Hi everyone, Delphie just read your reply to Donbons post and you really struck a chord with me when you said "I still manage to feel guilty that I didn't get the rotten food out of her fridge". I am here as usual in the middle of the night checking out TP and worrying that I keep forgetting to clean Dads kitchen floor, and we keep saying we'll go through his clothes and have a chuck out as he's recently been enjoying buying some new stuff. It's crazy isn't it? We carers spend our time just getting on with the truly difficult stuff and worry ourselves sick about the stain on the back of Dads chair where he steadied himself a few days ago, complete with a huge lemoncurd sandwich. Yes, a few days ago and I'm here making a mental note to not get distracted by all the other stuff and clean the yellow patch off his red chair!! You have to laugh - don't you?