Father's weight gain in Care Home

[2jays]

I echo all Granny G has said.

It is very difficult to deal with someone who has been and still can be so critical to you. I also understand the feelings of guilt if I don't visit, as mum would only see the carers if I didn't go too, but I do feel it important to look after myself first as yes ok mum wouldn't get visits from the invisibles but atleast she is being visited and cared for. I go once a week to visit and phone between times.

My thoughts only - maybe its time for you to a have break from visiting to recharge your batteries, then when you are ready to start revisiting, worry about battles that really matter to you, and not ones that in the great scheme of things, after taking a step back, are not really important. In my opinion, it is important that I look after my self first and if the situation get so bad with mum, I take a step back and leave it to the carers - it doesn't get rid of the guilt monster, but it does give me a chance to be a better carer for mum.

Oh it's so difficult isn't it. Thinking of you

Ps I meant to mention that when mum was first diagnosed and a bit before, mums critical behaviour got even worse, it was as if her usual nasty behaviour was heightened and I was convinced she was just being a b 1 tch just to do her upmost to upset me...... But this has now passed. She still occasionally "tries" to one up me, but now it doesn't affect me, can't give you any blinding flash of inspiration on why it doesn't, it just doesn't. If I feel a twinge of hurt I just walk away for a bit and when I walk back, start again as if nothing was said.

[Nessa456]

You are being very honest in your feelings for your dad but it is not necessary to justify yourself or your feelings to TP.

I understand you have a feeling of duty to your dad . It is what I had when I took responsibility for my mother`s care. She was not as critical as your dad has been but an inadequate mother nonetheless.
I think monitoring his weight is one way you can show you are caring for him.

You cannot force yourself to love your dad . You are doing your best and in my book your best is good enough.

Perhaps the staff at the care home do have a soft spot for your dad. If so and weight gain is the only issue, I would let him be spoilt. It might give him some experiences he is not used to.
If the home is happy his weight is not detrimental to his health I would let them make the decisions about his diet.

You do not have to buy him bigger trousers from your own money. You can get them from his money. You can get track suit bottoms from M&S which are cheap and stretchy. They are elastic waist and will grow with him.

http://www.marksandspencer.com/Cotto...elated-items-3

I know other companies have them too .

How often do you visit Nessa? Do not feel you need to go too often. I went once weekly to see my mother, just to check she was OK.

Thanks for your reply Grannie G - the link to the M&S track suit bottoms is very useful - I will get my Dad some.

If I'm in a good routine I try and visit my Dad once a week but this can often fall by the wayside as I can go through periods where I don't feel like going out of the house full stop, then other weeks I will just do some shopping perhaps. I don't go out much - mainly on a needs-must basis so visiting my Dad occurs when I'm feeling generally more robust/disciplined. Neither of us are working at the moment so we've got no money to spare on going out anyway.

We went 3-4 weeks in a row taking my Dad with us when we did the shopping at Morrisons and had a meal in the cafe but we've stopped that now as the novelty wore off, we went for a pub meal one lunchtime, which I found stressful then I went though a down period so visits stopped and I've recently started getting the shopping online from Asda as it's more economical and far less stressful. If I experience too muhch stress on an outing with my Dad there's liek a shutdown and no visits for a while - it's a regular pattern. I overreach myself and it all stops as I will think 'I'm not going through that again!'. Then there's recovery period and I start again lol. This probably sounds mad to a lot of people who would see a pub lunch as enjoyable but I had some man looking at me through the toilet window from the pub carpark/beer garden area and being derogatory about me to his friend when I went to the pub toilet. Yes, you're even being looked over and expected look like some supermodel when you go to a pub toilet these days and will be insulted if you don't! It's stuff like this that makes me think sod it - I hate people why should I be forced to be among them?

Myself and my friend (who I live with) were due to take my Dad to town to get him some more trousers today but I had a late night on Wednesday and felt ill this morning so we didn't go - this kind of thing happens a lot with me in life generally ie I will make plans to do something but not stick to it, especially if it's something I don't really want to do!

We've been invited to take my Dad round to visit my Aunt on Saturday afternoon so we will see him this week. I find visits go far easier this way as with my Aunt being there too it makes it more of a family occasion and there's less pressure on me to keep trying to think up things to say. I feel a lot better if she suggests the visit though; if I ask if we can visit with my Dad that feels a lot more awkward. I have done a meal at my house with my Dad and Aunt attending so I can do that again in future. Again though it all depends on how up to it I feel. My brain doesn't have consistency of mood - some days I can feel nothing inspires me at all and I dont want to do anything then others I will feel a lot more inspired. It's like there's a switch that's either on or off!

I rang my Dad's Care Home today and asked to speak to the Manager and asked if/how often they weighed the residents and if they could monitor my Dad's diet. She said they weighed residents monthly and that diet monitoring would have to be done via my Dad's GP. She said he was due to see the GP for a routine ECG test next Thursday and would I like to take him (the GP's is the same practice I attend and right next to the care home) and that they could make an appointment for my Dad to see the GP prior to the ECG so that I could discuss the weight issue with him/her and the home could provide my Dad'd weight chart. I said this would be a good idea.

While the manager was acommodating she didn't seem in any way to be bothered herself about my Dad's weight and I got the impression she considered the diet monitoring idea to be a bit of a pain hence her saying it would have to be done via the GP. I told her my Dad was having too much to eat between the home and the day centre and I asked if cooked meals were given for each evening meal. She said residents were usually given a choice between a cooked meal or sandwich. I said I thought it would be best if my Dad was given a sandwich for his evening meal on the days he was at the day centre (where he has a cooked meal, pudding and often seconds - as told to me by one of the day cenre managers) but the care home manager said it would be determined by what my Dad chose.

I asked whether he was regularly havinga sandwich in the evenings as well, as my brother had said, and she said it would be determined by whether my Dad had asked for one or said he was hungry. I'm all for my Dad being able to make his own decisions but in this case I think it's fairly obvious that some level of advocacy on my Dad's behalf needs to take place. Otherwise it could end up with him becoming obese and not even able to move around easily - to me this is the potential result of just letting him eat what he wants when he wants without people taking any initiative. I mean if my Dad decided he wanted to eat non-food items I assume the staff would prevent this?? (one would hope so but I'd never assume it; such is the evident lack of common sense!)

So it seems to be a bit of a power struggle in my opinion with me probably being seen as 'Evil daughter who wants him to be miserable, even denying him food now!' and them saying let him have it if it makes him happy/if he's hungry. So I intend to just set in place the structure for diet monitoring via the GP and if they don't stick to it and he gets some weight-related health condition I will be reminding them loudly whose fault it is! In reality I can't control what they actually feed him but I can make it clear what should be happening and hope they understand it's ultimately for my Dad's benefit. They're the ones who will be having to use a hoist to lift him if he becomes immobile so I'd say it's a no-brainer!

[Nessa456]

I echo all Granny G has said.

It is very difficult to deal with someone who has been and still can be so critical to you. I also understand the feelings of guilt if I don't visit, as mum would only see the carers if I didn't go too, but I do feel it important to look after myself first as yes ok mum wouldn't get visits from the invisibles but atleast she is being visited and cared for. I go once a week to visit and phone between times.

My thoughts only - maybe its time for you to a have break from visiting to recharge your batteries, then when you are ready to start revisiting, worry about battles that really matter to you, and not ones that in the great scheme of things, after taking a step back, are not really important. In my opinion, it is important that I look after my self first and if the situation get so bad with mum, I take a step back and leave it to the carers - it doesn't get rid of the guilt monster, but it does give me a chance to be a better carer for mum.

Oh it's so difficult isn't it. Thinking of you

Ps I meant to mention that when mum was first diagnosed and a bit before, mums critical behaviour got even worse, it was as if her usual nasty behaviour was heightened and I was convinced she was just being a b 1 tch just to do her upmost to upset me...... But this has now passed. She still occasionally "tries" to one up me, but now it doesn't affect me, can't give you any blinding flash of inspiration on why it doesn't, it just doesn't. If I feel a twinge of hurt I just walk away for a bit and when I walk back, start again as if nothing was said.

Thanks for your reply 2jays. I do have regular breaks from visiting - the break periods are almost certainly longer than the visiting periods!

I am still dealing with all my Dad's admin inbetween though - finances, paying bills, buying anything he needs etc.
And emailing my brother to see when he's next due to visit!

My brother is a Geologist living in Germany with his wife and children. He has said that in July they are hoping to move to Clermont-Ferrand in France for about 2 months for some kind of a sabbatical as he can still have some kind of work-related interaction with the university there. He said they are hoping to be able to have my Dad to stay with them for some of this time. He said this week that they are finding it very hard to find anywhere to stay though as most places are fully booked up, even places out of the city. So that hasn't been very well planned!
It all sounds very vague with him saying he's got a colleague looking out for accommodation for them - typical of my brother to be getting someone else on the job on his behalf!

My brother and his family and my aunt took my Dad away for a week in Wales last year so I am hoping they take him somewhere this year; hopefully to this Clermont place.