I don't want to hate her.

[Ellie315]

I've been living with and caring for my Grandmother for around 18 months now. It was my choice, and I wanted to do it, even though its been a Really difficult journey. I became mentally unwell myself (I have a propensity for depression and mental illness), but I saw it all as worth it because she was my family and she needed help and I wouldn't have been the person I want to be if I'd turned my back on that.

Two months ago, she went into hospital. She should have been home after a couple of weeks, but Social Services were dragging their feet. Anyway, I spent that whole time doing Nothing. Nothing. Just waiting for her to come home so that I had a purpose again.

By the end of those two months, I knew I'd been driving myself daft this way; I needed to do something, so I started looking at jobs, and pursuing volunteering opportunities, and trying to see my friends more. I started enjoying my 'freedom', and I wasn't sure I wanted to continue caring after all.

Yesterday she came home. In less than 24 hours, I'd already been called stupid, silly, in the way, ridiculous, a know-it-all, useless, nasty and downright ignorant. Mostly for such shocking behaviour as suggesting we leave the door open, or saying it was half-past two, or *horror of horrors* trying to help her do a jigsaw. I know you're going to tell me to remember that she doesn't know what she's saying. But it feels so personal - and I'm the only one getting it. (so far, I know, of course...)

I don't want to hate her. I remember loving her, and caring about her, and smiling with her, and laughing with her, and cuddling with her, and ... I'm even making it worse in my head, I know I am. I don't have to take it personally. I don't have to bristle when she's sharp or bite when she's rude to me. But what I do have to do is care for her. I have to get over this. Otherwise I can see I'm going to end up hating her...

[Nanak]

Hi Ellie
I don't have any experience of your problem, I live in Australia and Mum is in UK but I know others have been through this.
Can I ask you, does your Grandmother have a CPN? Do you get support from anyone, Social Services or her GP? You certainly sound as if you need it now.
Everyone can only do as much as they physically and mentally can. There is no shame in saying you have reached the end and can't cope any more.
Others will be along soon with much more experience. I just wanted to answer your post so you know you have been heard
Nanak
missing what has gone and scared of what is to come

[ggma]

You have done much more than most people do already, no one can forsee what changes will happen as the illness progresses. If you can try to give it a little time to see if when your Gran has been home a little longer she relaxes and settles into more of a routine that you had before she went into hospital.

It is good advice though try to get some additional help, you do not want to make yourself ill, you will not be able to do anything then. Can you call social services and ask for a carers assessment, as well as a CPN for your Gran and try and get some support.

I am sure others will have more advice, but do remember you have already done so much, if it is time to let go and consider a residential setting, then that is alright as well.