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  1. #1

    advice and help for mum and rights where my father involved

    Hi ive just signed up to this forum as really need some advice re issues with my father and access to my mum .
    Mum has just gone from 6 weeks in an dementia assessment unit to a council run care home while we wait for a bed vacancy in our chosen private care home.

    I am 1 of 4 children who are all had a very strong relationship with my mum but not with my father.

    After lots of agruments and disdagrrements with him he is now saying I in particular cant take mum out when I visit and is also now saying he wont let mum go to the care home all her 4 children want her to go to as he will have to pay a slight top up fee.
    Hes getting all the council run home fees paid for so only wants mum to stay there so he dosent have to pay any fees,not because its the best place for mum and her needs.He does have plenty of money to be paying fees.
    We also feel its not ideal place for mum there as up to 8 years ago she was the manager there and some of the staff she used to oversee as a manager still work there and we feel this is slightly unethitical regarding her care for her and the staff.

    what rights do we as her children have compared to my father?
    He is her next of kin but mum was 1 0f 6 within our family and my father is calling all the shots wheras we dont seem to be able to make any desicions for mum as her children.If we thought my father had her best interests at heart we would be very supportive to him but after a very stormy relationship as husband and wife we know this isnt the case. we feel he has all the rights and we have none an are powerless to get whats best for mum sorted out.please help and advice !! thanks.

  2. #2
    Volunteer Moderator jenniferpa's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Blog Entries
    Hi Jacob and welcome to Talking Point.

    I'm afraid I don't think you're going to be able to make what you want to happen, with regard to the home selection, happen to be honest. As an (adult) child you really don't have any rights about this. Not only that, I'm not sure that the fact that your mother managed the home is likely to factor into the equation: if anything the position of the social workers is likely to be that as she worked there, she might actually feel more at home there.

    One possible option that occurs to me - if all of her children feel this way, perhaps you could all chip in to pay the top-up fee? Normally we do take the position that a top-up fee shouldn't be necessary but with your father apparently happy to have her placed in the council run home, I think you're unlikely to be able to persuade the LA to place her, fully fee paid, at the alternative home.

    You say your mother's fees are being paid. Is this through the normal LA system (where her contribution is essentially her state pension, plus 50% of any occupational pension less the personal expenses allowance) or is she getting NHS Continuing Care?

    With regard to taking her out when you visit. This can be difficult to negotiate, particularly if such outings actually leave her upset/tired/disturbed, and with the best will in the world, this can happen. When it comes to dementia, the familiar can be far better and outings may not in fact be a great idea.

    Volunteer moderator and former long distance carer.

    “A test of a people is how it behaves toward the old. It is easy to love children. Even tyrants and dictators make a point of being fond of children. But the affection and care for the old, the incurable, the helpless are the true gold mines of a culture.”

    Abraham J. Heschel

  3. #3
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    North Staffordshire
    I can not add much more to what Jennifer has said, except to say that for the first 12 weeks your father would not pay anyway. If your Mother was a Manager, then it would be usual for her to have a local authority pension which will be taken into account in a financial assessment? It may not be as straight forward as your Father thinks and has he the offer of a permanent place in the LA home, not all of them do offer this is people have means to pay a private home.

  4. #4
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2012

    "Rights" of children

    I'm assuming that your parents are still legally married? If that is the case he is legally next of kin / nearest relative as far as MHSOP service providers are concerned.

    Do you know why he is opposing the transfer? Is it only a financial issue? Is he getting help to adjust to the situation, and logically explore the options. You also say he is financially independant - have you checked whose account the money is in - is any of it your mothers?

    If you can demonstrate that he is not acting in her best interests you need to relay this formally to the social worker. it may also be worth contacting a solicitor - s/he could advise on issues such as Deprivation of liberty / Power of Attorney / Role and office of the public guardian.

    Nightmare situation which is sure to leave one party upset.

  5. #5


    many thanks to all of you for your help and advice. we are not getting a soliciter involved.

  6. #6


    sorry !! i mean we now are getting solicters involved.

  7. #7
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Brisbane Australia
    Blog Entries
    Hi Jacob
    From my experience you will have a job persuading authorities to listen to you. We have been through a similar experience with my Mum. My Stepfather is her next of kin and as children (myself sister and brother) we have no rights whatsoever with regard to Mums care. She is still at home and there have been two SOVA's (Safety of Vulnerable Adult) against my Stepfather both of which have been disregarded.
    If your Mum is being looked after it is your Fathers decision where she stays.
    I wish you luck
    missing what has gone and scared of what is to come


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