Anyone else caring out of duty not love

[babypie]

I have duplicated my reply, sorry. not brill on these things!

[marsaday]

Hello,

I understand fully what you are saying. So often we are made to feel we ought to care because they are our parents. I really do believe it's possible not to love your parents. When they pass there may be sadness but mine will be about the wasted life of my parents and the relief at the burden finally being lifted after years of caring.

You can read about my situation in my first post but to cut a long story short-alcoholic father, martyr mother now has dementia and has depended on me all her life, father still alive and kicking but trying to be 'nice' at times because he knows he needs me.

Where was he when we needed him? Down the pub. Abusing my mother. Lying drunk at the front door. He was there in body but no use to any of us. Now we are expected to 'care'!!

I do what I have to because he lives in the same house as my Mum and she is clinging on to her independence so I have to call most days and take her away from him as they hate each other. But if she dies first and he is left I will wash my hands of him. I have two brothers and as I do most of the caring for Mum I am telling them that he's all theirs.

If your Dad doesn't see how lucky he is to have you he's not worth it. Unfortunately once dementia sets in they cannot really comprehend reason and he may never be able to understand what he's done to you.

I actually put all my feelings down in a letter and gave my mum and dad a copy each. I think it was the only way of being heard without them interrupting with their own sorry tales. I think it has made a difference, even though my dad has never mentioned it since. I know he read it and I hope he brings it out regularly to remind himself. I don't think he will ever apologise but I feel at least I have said my bit and stood up to him which is something my mum never did-hence his terrible spoilt behaviour. As for my Mum I don't think she remembers much about it let alone where the letter is!

It's worth telling him how you really feel. He may take some of it in. Don't feel guilty either we are not saints after all.

All the best.

[Helen33]

Dear Babypie,

It is good to read that you know yourself and are choosing to put yourself first by protecting yourself from living a life of 'guilt'. Perhaps though you might think about making little re-adjustments to the current arrangements?? Do you think you might try to free up just a little more quality time for your partner - your future husband? You really do need to invest in this relationship so that it doesn't become similar to that of your parents. Your fiance needs to know that he is first in your life and you need to be first in his. You don't need to make massive changes - just some little ones perhaps.

What is evident from your posts is that you have not lost the ability to love. Duty is a part of love. It's just that sometimes duty doesn't come with the 'loving feelings'. Don't despise duty - it is a wonderful quality. Just don't forget that you have a duty to yourself first and your fiance next

Love

[Nanak]

Dear Babypie,

It is good to read that you know yourself and are choosing to put yourself first by protecting yourself from living a life of 'guilt'. Perhaps though you might think about making little re-adjustments to the current arrangements?? Do you think you might try to free up just a little more quality time for your partner - your future husband? You really do need to invest in this relationship so that it doesn't become similar to that of your parents. Your fiance needs to know that he is first in your life and you need to be first in his. You don't need to make massive changes - just some little ones perhaps.

What is evident from your posts is that you have not lost the ability to love. Duty is a part of love. It's just that sometimes duty doesn't come with the 'loving feelings'. Don't despise duty - it is a wonderful quality. Just don't forget that you have a duty to yourself first and your fiance next

Love

I agree with everything Helen has said.
You are a better woman than me Babypie, frankly (and I hope I don't get struck down for this) your father is now reaping what he has sown over the years. Please do not ruin your life through guilt. He deserves nothing. Anything you choose to do for him is a bonus.
Bullies are my prime hate in life.
Take care
Nanak
missing what has gone and scared of what is to come

[jenniferpa]

There is one suggestion I have for you although you may not always be able to put it into practice: when he starts insulting you, you just leave. Ideally you could say: if you talk to me like this, I won't stay to hear it, but I know it can be tough to say anything in the heat of the moment. No one should have to listen to this stuff from anyone though, parent or not.

Does your fiance have any contact with him? I'm just wondering how your father would respond to someone else telling him how unacceptable such behaviour is.

Anyway: however you handle it you will have out support. Just post as and when you want to. And have fun at the cinema.

Best wishes

[KAnne]

I'm caring out of love but duty and love is rather mixed up in reality in life isn't it.

I agree with the people on here, who's approach is to step back, get help but still be involved on the periphery of his life....then there can be no regrets babypie

[babypie]

Thank you to all that continued replying to my thread

To answer one poster yes my partner was very helpful with my Dad, much more so than my Brothers. It all got too much for him when Dad turned on him one too many times and now very recently he has withdrawn. Dad was so horrible swearing at him and I think blaming him for taking some attention away from himself and me trying to have a bit of a life.

To answer another poster about four times I have walked out, sometimes sitting in car outside in tears. I have found though that when I do the nastiness is tenfold off Dad next time telling me "You have changed, you are no longer my Daughter, it all HIS family now, all of course untrue but Dad wants all the attention all the time!

To marsaday-love the name,yes I can see our situations are similar, and I have come to realize Dad was very spolit as a child,by my Mom (bless her heart) and now wants it all off me!!

I suppose at the end of the day I do agree with "you reap what you sow" but somewhere in our hearts, especially us ladies I feel, is some sort of guilt mechanism, my brothers dont have it and have peaceful happy lives without a thought about Dad.

Also the idea that duty is a sort of love, yes I agree with that too.

Thank you all once again, I do appreciate everyone that took time to write. I wish you all the best.

regards