Anyone else caring out of duty not love

[babypie]

Does anyone else feel like I do? I was a carer for my lovely Mom,passed 3 yrs with dementia, I would have, and tried to do anything and everything for her and now my Dad has it.

Thing is we have never had a relationship and it was because he is a very selfish, nasty man. All his life all he never spoke to us unless it was to call us very nasty names-queer,bent -his names for abnormal and continuously called us stupid.

I grew up and lived with it and still tried my best to please him and be a good daughter. I realized some years ago what a terrible life Mom had-Dad always in pub, or at social club committee meetings and mom never went out after she had us three He never let her spend any money on herself and would never allow her a washing machine!



Moving on to 2007 and Mom got dementia, I was on these boards-a different login I have now forgot- in tears how he treated her, very physical and extremely rough in man-handling her, refused to allow carers in because of the money (has thousands stuffed in loft-mainly all Moms attendance allowance!) When she went into respite because he was in hospital the day he came out he got her home, because respite fee was going to turn into more expensive permanent fee, social workers yelling at me on phone as I left the home with her to take her back but I could not because he wanted her home. He was in a wheelchair temporarily and used to bash it into her legs in temper, she was full of bruises. When he was well enough to go out again to his social club he would leave Mom alone,severe dementia by now, with no fire on in winter because it was "too expensive"

I did report it to social services and if I remember rightly they "told him off". When he was in public with her people thought he was wonderful, I used to think if only you knew.

The day she died we were all at the hospital and he was talking about his funeral plan payout whilst she lay there. He left at 6pm to go home, via the pub with my brothers and she died at 8pm. We were told she was dying but he went to pub! I was alone with her, sad but special,just us two, I was actually willing her to go because I was worried she could hear dad, the catholic priest who gave her last rites asked how often she had been "home" she came from Ireland at age 18, when I told him never because Dad would never take her to visit her family over there he had a tear in his eye.


Up to date, he now refusing to interact with the carers they have MADE him have, not letting them assist with personal care at all to prove a point, wants them as his maids-house is disgusting. I am trying my best to keep him safe, doing all I can, doing all the liasioning with healthcare professionals and seeing him everyday.


He is nothing but nasty, horrible, insulting-god you look fat today! putting my fiance down-who has the patience of a saint and just being awful, BUT...with everyone else is mr jolly the clown!!! has the doctors, shop assistants, recently the CPN and occy health lady rolling in the aisles with laughter so why is it only me???? my brothers hardlly see him and he is nice as pie to them.


My thoughts have started to go black, I want my life back, I have health problems that are ignored, school-age children I hardly see, my partner is finally getting fed up of how much I am having to take off dad- getting married in October and have not given it ONE second of thought. I live, breathe,sleep and eat Dad!

Even a thank you would be nice off him,I still keep going there and taking the daily abuse ( like poor Mom did) and please can anyone tell me why? Its not love, hate is a strong word but its popping into my head more frequent now....I hate my life at the moment.

Sorry to rant, dont think anyone can help but just maybe someone is feeling the same, I feel like the anger at him and the guillt are in conflict, I see an Ill, frail, old man and feel so sad but then I see red mist about how he treats me.



Thanks for "listening"

[jenniferpa]

You know what? I don't think you have any obligation to provide any support whatever. That's true in a legal sense anyway, but I really do not see why, if the relationship is and was as you describe it, you should lift a finger now. I understand that's very easy for me to say and a damn site harder to do though.

Can you bring yourself to withdraw from the situation? I think how you respond to that question will really guide you to possible solutions.

[Canadian Joanne]

I think you badly need a break from visiting your father. It is not doing you the slightest good at all - your children and your partner need you also.

Please consider taking a break of at least two weeks. I think it would a) give you a much needed rest and b) allow you the time to consider what you want to do about the situation. You could meet with your brothers (or is it your father's brothers) to discuss what should be done about his care but please don't allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed into full time caring.

It is vital that you take care of yourself and allow yourself to have a life.

Let us know how it goes.

[Chemmy]

I can only agree with Jennifer and Joanne. You owe him nothing.

It's time to walk away from his abuse. Do it in memory of your mother if you can't do it for yourself. We'll offer all the support you need.

[chucky]

I agree too, you owe this man nothing, walk away and leave him to the mercy of the SS. Dementia caring is tough when you love the person you're caring for, it must be horrendous to have to do it for someone who's nasty and spiteful. If his behaviour started when he got dementia then thats a different story, some people are aggressive and can be difficult but from what you say he's been like that all his days. He doesnt deserve your help, i would walk away now and let the authorities deal with him.

[Heather777]

Babypie! I know exactly what you are going through-it mirrors my situation. My dad died in March and I had been really busy fighting for his care and now I know that, even though he didn't deserve it, I did and I can now know I was the bigger adult in this. It is sometimes easy to say withdraw but there are often so many facets to relationships like this that it is too entangled to withdraw.

You are a survivour and you will do the right thing to lay these ghosts to rest.

I'm rooting for you!!

Heather

[Chemmy]

Sorry, Heather, can't agree with you on this one. Turning the other cheek is a charter for the bullying to continue.

Nobody - wives, husbands, children, siblings - should have to tolerate being abused.

Babypie, you can change things. Concentrate on your partner, your children and your wedding (oooh, we love a wedding ) . Put yourself and your family first and dont feel guilty. Isn't that what your mother would be advising now?

[jimbo 111]

Hello babypie
The general advice given to you so far ,obviously has logic considering the
traumatic circumstances of your past , and present situation.
I would agree to a point that you have no obligation considering the way you and your mother have been treated I would have no time for your father , because his attitude is completely alien to my own background .
Except that I would not advice you to just walk away as if you had no obligation
We cannot choose our parents , for good or bad they are what they are
In my opinion , with a little bit of experience in a similar situation
I would agree that you should remove yourself from the daily care situation
I understand from other peoples posts that you , particularly with a family to support would be justified to tell the social services that you cannot continue as you are at present
But please do not dissociate yourself entirely from your dad’ someone has mentioned your mother , she stood by your dad for all of his ill treatment to her
Some will say it was for the children (this could be true )
Come the day when they put your father to rest , if you just walk away now , you will regret for the rest of your life , you will grieve on your mothers behalf
By all means cut yourself off from the present situation but not entirely cut yourself away from your dad
You will on that day of reckoning be proud of yourself and your mom for standing by your father for all his horrible ways
Again from my experience , people like your dad ,often when it is too late
realise the damage they have caused to their nearest
I hope you will find a solution that brings you peace
Jimbo 111

[jenniferpa]

I think you're correct Jimbo and that's why I asked if babypie felt she "could" withdraw. Some people can and some people can't. I think the "best" (if there is a best) solution if you really do not like the person is to act as a professional manager - employ carers, pay the bills etc, take on the role of providing oversight, but not provide the one on one care that can stress even a great relationship.

[Haylett]

Babypie, what an amazing person you are! To have put up with so much and still be hanging in there, trying to do your best. What a pity your father cannot see what a beautiful daughter he has and could have, if only he could contain his behaviour.

I think I agree with Jimbo. I think it's time to withdraw (if you can) your personal care - and direct your caring to ensuring that whatever your father needs, is met by professional carers insofar as is possible. But I also think it is time for you to plan for your wedding, to enjoy the company of your fiance, and to be happy - without guilt. To the eye of any outsider, you have gone above and beyond. Good luck and happiness to you.

[SWMBO1950]

I am a great believer in self preservation. You do not need to be abused and made to feel inferior. I so hate bullies

Let SS set up a full care package and then step back - you owe it to yourself and your loved ones.

Best Wishes

[Kathphlox]

Before I say what I'm about to say, I have to explain that this is a joke or a dream, not sure which.. (but I have to say my dad is lovely and I look after his savings like a demon.. getting the best interest and such, I pat his saving like they were my own). I'm poor as a church mouse, but I feel my taking care of his money is one thing I can do for him, I actually enjoy it in a 'bean counter type of way'.

In your case, I would empty the loft of the stuff that is important and sod off to interesting places.

Don't they say 'be kind to your kids, they will choose your care home'. Well, didn't your dad do well.. he did none of the things you or your mother needed.. It may be unkind to say, but we reap what we sow.

Thankfully, I sow lots of good things for my family & friends and am happy to do so.

[Chemmy]

someone has mentioned your mother , she stood by your dad for all of his ill treatment to her
Some will say it was for the children (this could be true )

Some will say that women of her generation had nowhere else to go. No job, no money, no self esteem....no choice.

You've had lots of different views, Babypie; only you can decide where you go from here, but rest assured, no-one on TP will judge you. You will have our support whatever you do.

[choccy]

Get all his savings and find him a nice care home where he can be looked after, then go your merry way. Life is too short, as long as your Dad is looked after and safe you can get on with your life, guilt free, you've done all you possibly can.
I'd like to think that's what I'd do.
For the sake of your own sanity. X

[babypie]

I am sitting here in tears, your replys have made me cry, you all seem to care. I hope I did not come over as self-pitying, I did not mean to.

There was so,so much more that went on with my Mom that it would have taken up too much room but as someone mentioned yes, she lived for her kids and was such a slave to Dad , always putting him first and never expecting a life herself.

Something did pop into my head and it was when Mom was severe with her dementia she used to be running around with the said thousands of pounds in her bag, distressed and upset that Dad had stolen it from her (in a way I guess he had) I would spend ages settling her down, giving it back to Dad, saying put it away safe out of Moms way. well, unbelievably I would go back next day and Dad would have all the money out again, saying "I want to count it again" all laid out on living room floor and cue Mom getting hysterical again, I used to think is he doing this on purpose??!!

As for can I withdraw? No I dont think I can, Dad has no-one else going to see him at all. I would feel too guilty but this is the part my fiance cannot understand, why do I keep going back?

I know Mom would say, live your life, as one poster said, she would say get some of that money and treat yourself, Of course I could not-blooming guilt again!!


Dad often says I cant afford the carers, I am a poor pensioner etc, in my braver moments I remind him he has 20k in his back pocket , He wont spend a penny of HIS attendance allowance now either!

As one poster said I wont feel guilt as I walk away from the funeral home when he eventually goes, Have already decided what to write on his funeral flowers, it will be "Dad, give Mom all my love and tell her I miss her" Cant be a hypocrite and say anything about losing a loving Dad can I? In my more insane moments I worry he is going to make Moms life a misery in the afterlife as well!!

Anyway I will sign off, I am going to take Dad shopping,(don't shout at me!) I will put a smile on my face and start again as I always do. When the first hateful face starts to appear because something has irritated him I will think of these replys and gain strength from them. His classic is " how can you be so selfish as to think of putting your put your family first, go out with your partner or go to your volunteering job at hospital? I AM YOUR FAMILY AND I COME FIRST!!!!

I go out about once every two months and he says you are too old for cinema and no wonder your fat with ALL the meals you go for.


I have actually booked a four day honeymoon, first holiday since 2005, I am trying to think it will go ahead and not feel bad about Dad,

Finally, have booked cinema for Thursday on my partners day off, a rare treat and booked so I cant back out! I will chill out with my ice cream and escape......3d as well, may have a little sleep behind the glasses

Love to you all and bless you all, you have all made my life a little easier to cope with.

Regards