Not sure where to turn next with Dad

[Steve698]

Hi All,
My father has had 3 strokes over recent years and with each one become more confused. The most recent has seen him in hospital for the last 6 weeks and still there. While there he has had every test known to man. He has had a blood infection (now clear) a urinary infection (now clear) but is dehydrated. He is incontinent and becoming more aggressive each day. My Mum is getting very tired after 6 weeks of daily visits as the hospital is 15 miles from her home and takes 5 hours with the traveling and visit. On yesterdays visit my Dad really upset Mum telling how useless she was and how he hated her and if he gets the chance will strangle her in the night or burn the house the house down if he comes home. This has really worried Mum and she doesn't think she can deal with him at home as she has her own medical problems at 80 years old herself. Social services are dragging their heels as to what to do, although they acknowledge she will need help (maybe up to 3/4 times a day) Mum is still concerned that the aggression and threats are not something she can cope with.
I and my sister have Homes and families of our own to keep on top of (I have a 60 mile round trip to Mums) but both try as hard as we can to help, but are made to feel guilty that we are not doing enough (like drop our lives and move in with Mum).
We all have concerns about having Dad sent to a Home, what with recent reports of abuse etc, yet can't see my Mum managing at home, even with 3/4 visits daily.
Where do we go from here?

[Clementine]

I think this is the most difficult period in your journey, Steve, the decision to put your Dad into a home. Once you make the decision and you have found a nice Care Home/Nursing Home it gets easier. (apart from the usual guilt trip everybody experiences)
There are lots of good Care Homes/Nursing Homes and we were helped in our decision by the Social Services (they for instance did not recommend the home we originally wanted and how right they were).

You say, SS are dragging their feet, they might be waiting for a decision by you and Mum. I think your Mum is right, it will be very difficult to cope, it's the most difficult thing, however much you love the person, to deal with agression 24 hours a day.
I hope you can make the right decision especially for your Mum's sake.

[dovey]

the same happened to my FIL
he was admitted to hostital with dehydration .last nov.
he had urine infection (uti) which causes aggresion.halucinations,ect
many tests later showed he had had a stroke at some point (undetected) which probably brought on Vascular Dementia.
he was in hospital for agout 12 wks on anti depressants.he was delusional ,angry ,swore at everybody .the infections have gone now and he is much calmer (still a bit of a grumpy old man )
he has been in CH for about 6 wks now .
my advice is to not rush into anything until his medication kicks in ,he may calm down

[MikeC]

If you do decide to travel the care home route, most research into the quality of care homes always highlights the crucial importance of the role of the manager. Find a good manager and you're pretty likely to have found a good care home.

[ggma]

Just to say, it is worrying when you read about bad care homes, but it is like everything else in the news, only the bad is news. There are lots of good caring homes and nursing homes out there. My MIL went direct to nursing home after her strokes from hospital, and my Mum is in an EMI unit in a care home. Staff at both have been caring and professional, and we have not had any worries.

However, as a family we do visit very regualarly and keep up to date with what is happening, so if you do decide it is time for your Father to go into a home, suggest you look to make it easy for all the family to visit, so you can be reassured about what is going on.

One final point, we looked a lot of places before making our decisons, and this helps form a picture and feel more certain about what you are looking for. Good homes often have waiting lists, so you can not start too early in the process. However a lot depends as well on who will be funding the stay, so getting all the information from SS as well is important.

All the best to you, it is so diffiuclt, but you are right to be concerned about your Mum coping.