Advice on Care for a 91 year old who refuses it......

[andrea5867]

My gran is 91 and has trouble walking and taking care of herself. She has severe pain from arthritis, poor eyesight and poor vision.
Four years ago we were told she was suffering from some form of dementia as she was starting to see people in the house, hear things and was convincing herself the house was bugged and people were listening through the TV. This was medicated and things settled for a while but the family still believed that she was seeing or hearing things but was keeping this very much quiet
Last year we had another episode where she fell and then began seeing people. This was linked to a change in medication but the hospital at the time told her she was in need of care. This was arranged free of charge for six weeks then she flatly refused to continue once she was having to pay
Since then myself and my aunt have been sole carers. She can dress slowly if clothes are put out, has poor standards of personal hygiene (bath upstairs but no access to it and cannot stand to wash) and can make microwave meals
My aunt is 65 and having problems with control of diabetes. I am 44 and work full time as well as being carer for a disabled daughter. She will not allow any other family members to care for her
Recently she has become extremely demanding asking us to come down several times a day to rub cream into her legs, move sheds, do washing etc.... this culminated with a call from telecare telling me to ring her as she couldnt get in touch. I found the phone disconnected and gran convinced there were animals, 6 adults 2 children wearing flowers and numerous other strange sights in the house. She had tried to get out to remove them and become upset so had unplugged the phone from the proprty.
She told the on-call doctor about this but since admission to hospital will not discuss this any further although she has seen cars and decorators in her room
Hospital say she is medically OK to be released but want a care assessment. Gran has totally refsed to have care and says she will not pay and will not accept help. We have tried to convince her of the benefits but she stubbornly refuses and will wash and dress before they arrive to prove a point. Social services tell us that if we refuse to care and so does she they are powerless to step in so we are left not knowing what way to go next
She is still having episodes but will not tell hospital staff so they think we are basically exaggerating the situation
Neither myself or my aunt mind providing soe care but this is becomming increasingly challenging and for the main part gran does seem competent of decision making
Has anyone experienced something similar and have any ideas as to how to address the situation
Many thanks in advance
Andrea

[bunnies]

You clearly need to get some carers in place from an agency to support your gran - the demands on you both sound as if they have become too much. That won't mean you are then out of the picture, but at least you can feel reassured that someone is there every day to see how she is, and provide a little help if she wants it. I understand the problem is that your gran won't pay for carers. If you tell her that, although you will visit, you think she now needs some paid care, and she refuses, then you have to be tough and accept that. It's hard, I know, because you want to protect her, but this situation could continue for a long time with the both of you under this pressure and no other help in place, but if you step back then eventually something will have to happen. It is true that at the moment they cannot force her to have help - in the future one of two things will happen if you step back: either she will have a health crisis of some kind, in which case the NHS will step in and help may be forced on her , or as her dementia progresses it may be easier for her to accept help.

You don't say if you have power of attorney? That could be crucial - as she is self funding it will be easier to pay for the care if one of you can make the payment on her behalf. i don't know if it is too late for her to authorise an LPA if she hasn't done so already - it may be.

[Glamour Puss]

My sister and I care for Mum who is 89 and has Alzheimers, but won't admit to it.

I am 50 and my sister is 70. I put mum's clothes out each day and give me her evening meal, because I live at home and my sister lives two doors away. Mum hates showering, I make her do it. I make sure she is clean and well fed, but I am not going to be a slave, I ended up having counselling because of all this.

Mum refused care... TOUGH, she got Tina the carer !

She now has a carer in for one hour in the morning and chats to her while she gets her out of bed, dressed, and makes sure she has her medication and breakfast. The money comes from her Attendance Allowance.

TOUGH LUCK MUM ... GET ON WITH IT !

[andrea5867]

Thanks for the reply
Firstly we dont have power of attourney. My gran refuses to admit there is anything wrong and will not sign anything so I really have no idea how to progress this
Secondly, Glamour Puss, how did you manage to get your mum to accept the carers. We had a social services assessment last year and she took the free care but said the carers didnt do enough to warrant the money and cancelled them. Our social worker says if she doesnt agree they cant be put in place and if she cancels them we cant over-ride that decision. Its all very frustrating as she seems to care only about losing the attendance allowance and not her own wellbeing and that of myself and my aunt. Unlike you we live a 15 mile round trip away too which makes it all the more difficult
Thanks
Andrea x

[ITBookworm]

It is possible to over-rule someone with dementia BUT is needs a mental health specialist to speak to that person and make a formal decision that they no longer have the legal capacity to manage their own care due to their mental deterioration. At that point, and unfortunately not before, social services will put care arrangements in place.

Sadly it sounds as though your Gran still has enough if an understanding to keep going as she is for now. It might be worth a talk with the memory clinic or her consultant to see what they say though.

If no one has power of attorney (and there is no prospect of it being granted) then at some point you or your aunt (or both) will need to become deputies for Gran so that you are able to manage her money etc for her when she becomes incapable of doing it herself. The factsheets at this link should provide you with some more information about this: http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/factsheets

[Tooshie]

I am in the same situation. My Mother can put on such a show and convince medics and authorities that all is well. She is maintaining her dignity and independence at the expense of mine most days. It's horrible, unfair and unfortunately a hopeless situation until a crisis occurs (as my Mother's GP has explained).

Frustrating and infuriating, and also a lot of responsibility trying to take care of a belligerent Senior Citizen. We are becoming a nation of elderly infirm people, who's care is largely left to (dutiful) family, friends and good neighbours until medical assistance is vital. You have my sympathy and ear, any time

xx

[Tooshie]

[QUOTE=andrea5867;580376]My gran is 91 and has trouble walking and taking care of herself. She has severe pain from arthritis, poor eyesight and poor vision.

My Mother suffers from Arthritic Pain and poor eyesight too, which much both contribute to her frustration and ultimate aggressive demeanour. Has had spondilosis for years, and hid fungative breast cancer for 3 years until it completely eroded her right breast.

On diagnosis with breast cancer, the oncologist described her as 'stoic' to her face. She proudly repeats this to anyone who listens, obviously taking it as a compliment...

You won''t/can't change your Gran now, all you can do is try to put buffers between you, your aunt and her so that you two don't get burned out from exhaustion.

For years I have wondered what is in in old people that makes them become so selfish and obsessed with independent living that it completely eradicates their sense of reasoning and rationale.

And I don't think I will ever be able to know whether my Mother has Dementia, or is just naughty.

xx

[Glamour Puss]

Firstly Mum had a brain scan after she had two falls and my sister and I thought she was losing the plot, so Mum is certified as having AD . I think once you can prove that they have the mental health issues , not you, it is a step forward.

Then we noticed mum wasn't changing her clothes and not getting up until 12noon for her breakfast. I work full time and my sister is retired, so , as much as Mum screamed and shouted, we got the carer via social services. Also a district nurse, because she scalded herself with hot tea, who changes her dressings.

There are good and bad days... but put your foot down and don't get treated like a muppet !