am i right to feel so frustrated?

[nidgey103]

hi i am new to this and this is my first post. my mum got officially diagnosed with early alzheimers a few months ago: she has had memory problems for quite a while, but this has got rapidly worse as of late. she is on medication, but this appears to have no effect. my wife and i have looked after her finances for a while, as when she did have her own bank card, she was withdrawing about £400 a day and stashing it in her flat, thankfully most of this was recovered. our main concern is with personal hygene, she has carers in every morning, yet refuses to have a shower, and tells lies to them, saying she had been given a shower by us the previous day. her friends in the sheltered housing a reluctant to invite her out, as she clock watches and costantly checks her money.
my main frustration is the effect this is having on my wife, who does a great deal for her, but gets increasingly annoyed because mum just wont do the simple things any more. everything is written down that she needs to do, but doesn't sink in. as a result, we've had so many rows over her that i've lost count, but i always back down, because, after all its my mother not hers. my sister has lived in austrailia for 30 years, and while we have e-mailed her telling of mums problems, its like she's turning a deaf ear and i havent heard from her in over 7 months, including christmas, birthdays etc. this really annoys me, and i feel nothing but resentment towards her. i'm ashamed to say that at times i feel like that towards mum. i'm not used to writing things down like this, but i dont know anyone else going through this, any thoughts will be appreciated.

[Nebiroth]

This can be frustrating, but try not to get too hung up about the showering - the consequences of which are likely to be nothing more than unpleasant. It is, in my view, simply not an issue that is worth distress - yours or your mum's.

Many people with dementia can become neglectful of personal hygiene, possibly as a result of personality changes or depression, in either case, they no longer care. Alternatively, just as many become develop a fear of water and thus resist showers and baths.

It might be worth trying things like washes of the most important parts with flannels, alternatively, sanitary baby wipes can be effective and cause less distress.

Unfortunately, obsessions about money are extremely common. There can be delusions about how much money your mum actually has - if she believes she has more than she actually does she may become distressed at not being able to find it, or even level accusations of theft (again, extremely common). Her constant checking is a symptom of anxiety and uncertainty which may well have it's roots in this. It is also possible mum checks, forgets she has done so, and then does it again...and again...and so on.

[Jenijill]

I think being frustrated comes with the territory So don't beat yourself up about it. It's good that you have your mum's finances under control, but as regards personal hygiene - well I think that comes with the territory too!! My husband refuses all requests to wash in the mornings, and although I've now pursuaded him, after a long time, to accept a carer in to shower him once a week, he is adamant that that is enough! I manage to change his clothes frequently, but that's it, and now I just go with his wishes, otherwise I'd be constantly fighting.

Could you try and get a carer in? Perhaps say the doctor ordered it, or something. A few 'white lies' sometimes do the trick! I'm sure others will be on here for advice, but welcome anyway, we are all here to support and help when we can

[nidgey103]

This can be frustrating, but try not to get too hung up about the showering - the consequences of which are likely to be nothing more than unpleasant. It is, in my view, simply not an issue that is worth distress - yours or your mum's.

Many people with dementia can become neglectful of personal hygiene, possibly as a result of personality changes or depression, in either case, they no longer care. Alternatively, just as many become develop a fear of water and thus resist showers and baths.

It might be worth trying things like washes of the most important parts with flannels, alternatively, sanitary baby wipes can be effective and cause less distress.

Unfortunately, obsessions about money are extremely common. There can be delusions about how much money your mum actually has - if she believes she has more than she actually does she may become distressed at not being able to find it, or even level accusations of theft (again, extremely common). Her constant checking is a symptom of anxiety and uncertainty which may well have it's roots in this. It is also possible mum checks, forgets she has done so, and then does it again...and again...and so on.

that is very very true certainly about the checking, makes me feel better knowing that its quite comman for this to happen so thank you for that, suppose we should laugh really we recently discovered her new hiding place for her purse was under her pillow, only took us an hour to find it!!! many thanks

[SWMBO1950]

Welcome nidgey

Oh my word I have one in Australia just like yours !! I now save myself a lot of stress and I ignore her completely - have done for over 3 years since she found God again and refered to our mother a my burden which I found highly offensive As someone on here very eloquently said she is my responsability not burden. I mean no offence to anyone who is religious but the things she has done in the past are unforgivable and 'going through her spiritual transition' as she puts it does not absolve her of everything hard as she may try. I am a lapsed Catholic.

I dont know how much help you get from carers but if it is not enough think of having some additional hours even if on 1 or 2 days a week.

I know how frustrating it is when the person with AD appears to ignore what you are trying to get them to do (albeit for their own good) but I have long since realised that it is not because they wont but because they cannot due to AD.

I have laminated notes at my mums which I get out and put next to her when needed but tven then they do not always work. The mind of a AD sufferer is strange as what we take for granted they forget or have forgotten. They dont sink in as you put it because they cannot.

Also they do not lie as in 'their world' it is a reality as the days/months years even get muddled so what they are saying is in their mind true.

You and your wife need to try and not get so uptight about it all particularly with each other, and not to row over something neither of you have any real control over - makes for a happier life.

Try thinking if something is not done today then maybe tomorrow. I shower my mum every 2 weeks now as she cannot do it herself and when we do do it it shatters her so I keep things calm in that way. She washes each day (carers help) and that has to do. She also gets sent to the hairdresser ever 2 weeks so she is kept tidy (it is downstairs in the building where she lives).

Dont feel ashamed of things you sometimes feel or think as I and many people on here have felt, done, said the same.

No one ever said - certainly in my case - that we are angels.

Best wishes and keep posting

hi i am new to this and this is my first post. my mum got officially diagnosed with early alzheimers a few months ago: she has had memory problems for quite a while, but this has got rapidly worse as of late. she is on medication, but this appears to have no effect. my wife and i have looked after her finances for a while, as when she did have her own bank card, she was withdrawing about £400 a day and stashing it in her flat, thankfully most of this was recovered. our main concern is with personal hygene, she has carers in every morning, yet refuses to have a shower, and tells lies to them, saying she had been given a shower by us the previous day. her friends in the sheltered housing a reluctant to invite her out, as she clock watches and costantly checks her money.
my main frustration is the effect this is having on my wife, who does a great deal for her, but gets increasingly annoyed because mum just wont do the simple things any more. everything is written down that she needs to do, but doesn't sink in. as a result, we've had so many rows over her that i've lost count, but i always back down, because, after all its my mother not hers. my sister has lived in austrailia for 30 years, and while we have e-mailed her telling of mums problems, its like she's turning a deaf ear and i havent heard from her in over 7 months, including christmas, birthdays etc. this really annoys me, and i feel nothing but resentment towards her. i'm ashamed to say that at times i feel like that towards mum. i'm not used to writing things down like this, but i dont know anyone else going through this, any thoughts will be appreciated.

[SWMBO1950]

Wow you did well finding the purse - only an hour - been there done that etc

You have to laugh sometimes else you will pull your hair out!!

that is very very true certainly about the checking, makes me feel better knowing that its quite comman for this to happen so thank you for that, suppose we should laugh really we recently discovered her new hiding place for her purse was under her pillow, only took us an hour to find it!!! many thanks

[Witzend]

hi i am new to this and this is my first post. my mum got officially diagnosed with early alzheimers a few months ago: she has had memory problems for quite a while, but this has got rapidly worse as of late. she is on medication, but this appears to have no effect. my wife and i have looked after her finances for a while, as when she did have her own bank card, she was withdrawing about £400 a day and stashing it in her flat, thankfully most of this was recovered. our main concern is with personal hygene, she has carers in every morning, yet refuses to have a shower, and tells lies to them, saying she had been given a shower by us the previous day. her friends in the sheltered housing a reluctant to invite her out, as she clock watches and costantly checks her money.
my main frustration is the effect this is having on my wife, who does a great deal for her, but gets increasingly annoyed because mum just wont do the simple things any more. everything is written down that she needs to do, but doesn't sink in. as a result, we've had so many rows over her that i've lost count, but i always back down, because, after all its my mother not hers. my sister has lived in austrailia for 30 years, and while we have e-mailed her telling of mums problems, its like she's turning a deaf ear and i havent heard from her in over 7 months, including christmas, birthdays etc. this really annoys me, and i feel nothing but resentment towards her. i'm ashamed to say that at times i feel like that towards mum. i'm not used to writing things down like this, but i dont know anyone else going through this, any thoughts will be appreciated.

I'm afraid to say that past a certain stage, leaving written instructions, no matter how clear, simply won't work. It's not that your mum is being awkward - once she's turned away from reading whatever it is she simply can't remember what it said.

When we were new to AD we too tried leaving all sorts of written instructions and explanations for my f-i-l. It took us quite a while to realize that none of it was any earthly use.

On a related theme, the first time I really knew my mother had AD and wasn't just 'getting a bit forgetful' was when she phoned her bank to ask something, and the instant she put the phone down I said, 'What did they say?'

'I can't remember.'
It's the same with anything written down - the instant they're not looking at it any more, they've forgotten.

Not wanting to bath or shower is also very common. Getting a bit tough, in the way you would with a grubby, reluctant child, can sometimes work. This is what my sister did with my mother - I was far too wimpy to say, 'Come on, you need a shower now, you smell.' It goes right against the grain to behave like this with a parent but if coaxing and gentle persuasion don't work , it may be the only way.

[Chemmy]

Did you get a chance to watch the Louis Theroux programme last week "Extreme Love: dementia"? If not it's on i-player

There's a bit of it when Suelinda tries to use her cell phone and also where she tries to draw a clock. I thought they were hugely enlightening moments - she is trying so hard to do it right, and you can see Louis struggling to understand why she can't just press the number 2, which she can clearly see, on her phone.

As SWMBO says, it's not because your mum won't, it's that she can't.

[SWMBO1950]

Chemmy

You are right about the Louis Theroux programme definately worth watching on iplayer (I never thought of that!!)

Did you get a chance to watch the Louis Theroux programme last week "Extreme Love: dementia"? If not it's on i-player

There's a bit of it when Suelinda tries to use her cell phone and also where she tries to draw a clock. I thought they were hugely enlightening moments - she is trying so hard to do it right, and you can see Louis struggling to understand why she can't just press the number 2, which she can clearly see, on her phone.

As SWMBO says, it's not because your mum won't, it's that she can't.