about my mum and family.......

[tigger82]

We found out about my mum a little over a year ago. It has not been easy me my sister and brother have all fallen out with each other at 1 time or another. Me and my sister have just started talking again after a year of no contact with each. But now i do not speak to my brother all he thinks about is money. He has even accused my sister of stealing money off my mum. At first i did believe him but now i have spoke to my sister i know the truth. My sister is my mums full time carer and i know that she would not do that to my mum.

Just recently my mum had her drivers license took away from her as she was becoming a danger to herself and other road users. I thought that my mum would take it hard but she seems o.k. about it all and knows it is for the best.

I do feel guilty though because i have not been to see my mum i just find it hard and it would cost 90 pound to get there and that is money we have not got. My sister did say that when they get bk off there holiday they will bring mum for a day trip so i can look forward to that. I am not going to lie i have buried my head in the sand in the last year thinking if i do not see my mum every thing is o.k. so now i have to pull myself together and start helping my sister out more when i can.

I do not tell my sister this but i am grateful for every thing she has done and is still doing for my mum.

We all need to pull together now for mums sake not our own.

Sorry if i have gone on a bit. I feel better for getting that out i try not to talk to anyone about my mum because when i have they either laugh or make snide jokes about alzheimer's and it just upsets me

xx

[Onlyme]

Its so difficult to come to terms with what this disease does to people and even worse when you are having problems with a sibling like your brother.

I do not tell my sister this but i am grateful for every thing she has done and is still doing for my mum.

We all need to pull together now for mums sake not our own.

Tell her, send her a card, call her. She will appreciate it and love that you realised what she is doing for the family. No one can be told too many times that you are grateful.

[Busybee67]

It amazes me how this disease pulls families apart. When you hear of someone dealing with cancer etc it seems to do the opposite and pull their families together. Keep talking to your sister and tell her how you feel. It is ok for you not to want to see your mum, she will have changed so much from the mum you once knew, there are plenty of times i would of rather been anyway than with her and i am sure your sister has felt the same sometime or another. I have just one sibling and he has broken all contact with me over the last 2 years over my mums dementia and it was not even over an argument. I know i would really appreciate it if he said what a good job i was doing caring for my mum and offer to help now and then but i doubt that will ever happen as my mum is getting a lot worse now.
Just stay in regular contact with your sister, even if you cant help with the caring just being someone on the end of the phone to talk to is a massive bonus.

Take care
Busybee xx

[tigger82]

Its so difficult to come to terms with what this disease does to people and even worse when you are having problems with a sibling like your brother.




Tell her, send her a card, call her. She will appreciate it and love that you realised what she is doing for the family. No one can be told too many times that you are grateful.

thank you yes i will send her a card and start telling her more that i do appreciate what she is going for our mum

thank you again

[tigger82]

It amazes me how this disease pulls families apart. When you hear of someone dealing with cancer etc it seems to do the opposite and pull their families together. Keep talking to your sister and tell her how you feel. It is ok for you not to want to see your mum, she will have changed so much from the mum you once knew, there are plenty of times i would of rather been anyway than with her and i am sure your sister has felt the same sometime or another. I have just one sibling and he has broken all contact with me over the last 2 years over my mums dementia and it was not even over an argument. I know i would really appreciate it if he said what a good job i was doing caring for my mum and offer to help now and then but i doubt that will ever happen as my mum is getting a lot worse now.
Just stay in regular contact with your sister, even if you cant help with the caring just being someone on the end of the phone to talk to is a massive bonus.

Take care
Busybee xx

thank you for you message my sister feels like walking away from my mum every day. Well it might sound daft but i have got so much respect for everyone that is caring for family and friends that have got dementia i hold my hands up i dont think i could do it day in day out.

take care and thank you again xx

[Onlyme]

Can you support your sister by doing things for Mum that you can do from a distance? Sort out phone calls for her to Social workers - that type of thing. At least if you offer to do stuff that you can from a distance she will know that you are trying to support her. Ask her to give you a list of things you can do - even if she can't you have offered.

[danny]

Tigger, many people bury themeselves in the sand at times and who can blame you.

When the time is right for you, you will know what to do.
If you can`t face mum just yet it would be good to support your sister.

I hope your family works through this.

[BeckyJan]

Its good to hear your story and I am sure you will get much support and advice here.

I do not tell my sister this but i am grateful for every thing she has done and is still doing for my mum.

You have a gem of a sister and I agree you must let her know how you grateful you feel. I understand how costly travel is but I do urge you to save hard to manage a visit to your Mum. Would you be able to do that and combine it with giving your sister respite from caring? When you read threads here you will see how valuable it is for a full time carer to get some relief occasionally. It would give her strength to carry on.

In the meantime keep up the contact and hopefully your brother will at some time become part of the family again too.

Best wishes

[2TT charlie]

Tigger, I think your sister will appreciate your supporting her, even from a distance. I'm the local one so I'm looking after my father and my brother, who is further away, is handling everything that can be handled remotely. One of the biggest things he does for me is just being there so I can send him e-mails about what's been going on. Knowing I can sit down and tell him what's been going on is a huge thing for me. A lot of the time it's stuff that worries me, or when I can see a downturn, but sometimes I'll just e-mail him about the funny stuff that happens.

I feel I'm sharing decisions with him even if I'm actually the one on the spot having to react and he tells me it helps him to be aware of what I'm coping with and also when something happens it's not such a shock. I did the same with my mother's medical problems and then when she died quite suddenly of something different it wasn't a shock because we knew how much she had worng with her anyway. I expect your sister will appreciate someone she can vent to, even if you can't do anything except listen.

[tigger82]

Can you support your sister by doing things for Mum that you can do from a distance? Sort out phone calls for her to Social workers - that type of thing. At least if you offer to do stuff that you can from a distance she will know that you are trying to support her. Ask her to give you a list of things you can do - even if she can't you have offered.

it is just my sister we have not got anybody else involved but i will ask her to see if she wants me to do any thing for her i could have her here for a week i know it will be hard for my mum but i will do it to help out

thank you

[tigger82]

Tigger, many people bury themeselves in the sand at times and who can blame you.

When the time is right for you, you will know what to do.
If you can`t face mum just yet it would be good to support your sister.

I hope your family works through this.

thank you now i know how bad my mum is i can start supporting my sister a lot more

thank you again

[tigger82]

Its good to hear your story and I am sure you will get much support and advice here.



You have a gem of a sister and I agree you must let her know how you grateful you feel. I understand how costly travel is but I do urge you to save hard to manage a visit to your Mum. Would you be able to do that and combine it with giving your sister respite from caring? When you read threads here you will see how valuable it is for a full time carer to get some relief occasionally. It would give her strength to carry on.

In the meantime keep up the contact and hopefully your brother will at some time become part of the family again too.

Best wishes

i will save up and go and help my mum out a lot more.

i have only been on the forum a few days and it has already been a great help

thank you

[tigger82]

Tigger, I think your sister will appreciate your supporting her, even from a distance. I'm the local one so I'm looking after my father and my brother, who is further away, is handling everything that can be handled remotely. One of the biggest things he does for me is just being there so I can send him e-mails about what's been going on. Knowing I can sit down and tell him what's been going on is a huge thing for me. A lot of the time it's stuff that worries me, or when I can see a downturn, but sometimes I'll just e-mail him about the funny stuff that happens.

I feel I'm sharing decisions with him even if I'm actually the one on the spot having to react and he tells me it helps him to be aware of what I'm coping with and also when something happens it's not such a shock. I did the same with my mother's medical problems and then when she died quite suddenly of something different it wasn't a shock because we knew how much she had worng with her anyway. I expect your sister will appreciate someone she can vent to, even if you can't do anything except listen.

i will ask her if she wants to do that i think that will help her as well thank

[blightygirl]

I agree, let your sister know she's fab!! Even tho you're a fair distance away, its so good to know someone is rooting for you, and that you are able to chat, share ideas or offload any time things get too much.

x

[PeggySmith]

Hi Tigger, I'm new to the forum as well and am finding it very useful and helpful. I just want to say how much I admire you for being able to admit that you couldn't face what was happening to your Mum. My brother-in-law did much the same (and worse) to the point where he was bullying me and blaming me for his Mum's worsening condition. We eventually sat down and talked about it all, but he never apologised to me for the things he said and 3 months on, I still feel resentful!

I'm positive that your sister will feel much better if she can share what's happening - it can be very isolating being a carer. You said it costs £90 to get to see your Mum, but you can get very cheap train tickets if you plan ahead - try this site - http://www.mytrainticket.co.uk/ (or the trainline if you book about 3 months ahead).

Good luck.