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Thread: At Last!

  1. #1
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    At Last!

    At last I have got an answer.
    I rang my Mums Dr last night and had quite a long conversation with him. (What with the calls to the District Nurses and my sister etc this week my phone bill be the size of the National Debt!!!!)
    He was very honest with me and basically said if I want to see Mum while she is still alive I should get home asap. He apologised but I was grateful he had been honest and told him so. I know it isn't set in stone but I feel better now (oddly).
    My sister rang this morning and said that Mum had been very quiet again yesterday and not eaten or drunk. This is happening more often now so I will try and organise to get back home as soon as possible. (Now... where did I put that ski mask and address of the bank? ).
    Nanak
    missing what has gone and scared of what is to come
     

  2. #2
    And I would take him at his word Nanak.

    I didn't get back in time to see my mother. I'm not blaming anyone but I just wasn't told "come back now or she might be dead". That might nor have worked either (I'm reasonably convinced that my mother decided when to die - a carer said to her "Jenny will be here tomorrow", she said "I don't want her to see me like this" and with a couple of hours she was dead). Still I could have moved my flight forward maybe a few days.

    If you don't get here, though - please don't feel guilt (see above). Sometimes you don't get a choice, sadly. Your time frame and another's might not mesh.
    Jennifer

    Volunteer moderator and former long distance carer.

    A test of a people is how it behaves toward the old. It is easy to love children. Even tyrants and dictators make a point of being fond of children. But the affection and care for the old, the incurable, the helpless are the true gold mines of a culture.

    Abraham J. Heschel
     

  3. #3
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    I have Jennifer
    I realise that when it happens it happens and frankly I could be there for six weeks and she may decide to go the day after I leave but I have the opportunity to make an informed decision now and what will be will be. I am ok with that.
    I will be forever grateful to that Dr for realising I am far away and telling it like it is.
    Nanak
    missing what has gone and scared of what is to come
     

  4. #4
    I`m so sorry nanak, but so glad the doctor has been straight with you.

    Sylvia

    Former Carer and Volunteer Moderator .

    I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet

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  5. #5
    Dear Nanak,

    I can understand how empowering, however sad, this information is for you. Being so far away, and with the disastrous lack of respect and information being fed to you recently, I imagine that knowing what you are facing is really all you've been asking for.

    The speculation, worry, anxiety, time difference has been torturing you for such a long time, and you've been realistic, but mainly based on gut feeling and information from your sister. Finally, a professional has had the courtesy to understand your situation.

    I'm glad you're not putting yourself under the added pressure at this sad and difficult time of being there at the time it may happen. The intention is important, but I only lived just over an hour away and didn't make it. I was privileged enough to have spent 10 consecutive days by mum's bedside, and was able to say goodbye. Ultimately, mum slipped away when she was ready and I accepted that.

    I hope the local bank has a dodgy padlock...

    Thinking of you, and pleased in one way you have the information you have been waiting for, but so sad it is what it is.

    Much love, xx
    Annie x x

     

  6. #6
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    I am with you very much in spirit as I have been told this morning that my mother is dying. I don't know if it will help you - but my mother is only 6 miles away and the 'being there' remains impossible as I cannnot go and live in the CH.
     

  7. #7
    Dear Butter and Nanak,

    Sending much love and understanding. I've been where you are.

    It's still a shock, no matter how long we think we've been preparing.

    I'll be thinking of you both... xxx
    Annie x x

     

  8. #8
    Dear Nanak,

    You must feel enormous relief at being treated properly and having the power of choice. I know the mixed feelings that are entailed in losing someone to dementia. Sad at the loss and glad at the release!!! I can only begin to imagine the upheaval of making arrangements to travel half way across the world under such circumstances.

    Dear Butter,

    I am so sorry to hear your news. Wishing you peace and strength as you travel this part of your personal journey.

    Love
    Helen
    Wife and Carer
     

  9. #9
    I am so sorry you cannot be with your mother Butter, if it is what you would wish, but hope she is pain free and as comfortable as possible.

    Sylvia

    Former Carer and Volunteer Moderator .

    I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet

    About me
     

  10. #10
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    This so much reminded me of the dash I made through the wildest of France (we had a holiday cottage in a very remote area), via bicycle, bus and train to Switzerland when I got the call from my sister that Mum was dying.

    It took me 24 hours to get to her bedside. My sister who always looked after Mum went home to have a shower (she told her before she left: "Mummy don't die, wait for me to come back"). Mum died peacefully ten minutes after my sister had left and I had the privilege to be there.
    I hope Nanak that you can be there, but I think your Mum is waiting for you to come back. I think my Mum was waiting for me.
     

  11. #11
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    Thank you everyone, I hope that my Mum is waiting for me too, with the best will in the world it is going to take a couple of weeks to organise going back. I spoke to the Principal at school today and she said to take as much time off as I need. I knew it wouldn't be a problem but it is a relief to know I can go. (Being a disabled school it is harder to find replacement staff as many children are gastro fed etc and you have to be specifically trained with each child for feeds and meds).
    I feel I need to be there for my sister. Most of the running around falls on her shoulders and the stress is getting to her. If I am there she can be spared sitting with Mum after work when SF goes to choir practice. Not much I know but when she has been at work it makes it a long day for her. I feel bad not doing "my bit" and hate being so far away.
    Fingers crossed
    Nanak
    missing what has gone and scared of what is to come
     

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Clementine View Post
    This so much reminded me of the dash I made through the wildest of France (we had a holiday cottage in a very remote area), via bicycle, bus and train to Switzerland when I got the call from my sister that Mum was dying.

    It took me 24 hours to get to her bedside. My sister who always looked after Mum went home to have a shower (she told her before she left: "Mummy don't die, wait for me to come back"). Mum died peacefully ten minutes after my sister had left and I had the privilege to be there.
    I hope Nanak that you can be there, but I think your Mum is waiting for you to come back. I think my Mum was waiting for me.
    Same happened to a friend of mine - she is Swedish and lives in N Devon - had just come to London for a few days when a call came to say her very old dad was in a very bad way in Stockholm. Luckily she'd had the foresight to bring her passport since it could have happened at any time. Of course it was a mad dash to Heathrow for first available flight, and meanwhile they were telling him to hang on, she was coming. And he did hang on, until about half an hour after she arrived.

    Looking back it was a blessing she was here and not at home in N Devon, since she'd never have made it in time.
     

  13. #13
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    Oh, Nanak, you are great that you will undertake this journey which is far longer than mine (you come all the way from Australia?) to be with your Mum but also with your sister. Your sister will love you for it and Mum, I am sure will be waiting for you. Sometimes Mums and Dads need the permission to let go.
     

  14. #14
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    Frankly (as some TP'ers know already) I am frightened of flying so will be dosing up on the Valium before I leave .
    I have pencilled in 8th May to leave Australia so just hope the money is available by then.
    I want to be there by 12th May as my SF has decided to take Mum (on a minibus) with an accompanying 52 seater coach to Stratford for a choir "thing". It will be a 14 to 15 hour day and I am hoping that he will allow Mum to stay with me and some carers for the day. My sister has already voiced her 'uneasiness' at this venture but he insists Mum will be 'perfectly fine" so I don't hold out much hope he will leave Mum with me. He will want her with him.
    Frankly I think the trip could finish her off but he will do as he wants.
    Watch this space .......
    Nanak
    missing what has gone and scared of what is to come
     

 

 

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