Home alone

[Helen33]

Morning Jan,

I've only just caught up with your thread. I will be wishing your dear hubby to settle very well and quickly. I also hope that you begin to adapt to this new part of your journey and that somehow it makes it easier for you as the caring is now shared. Personally I think that learning to adapt the truth in the other's best interest is a very selfless thing to do. I would normally be totally against it but I learnt with my late husband that it really was in his interest to understand things in ways which helped him travel his journey with the illness he had. The illness changed everything, including how I thought about things.

Sylvia (GrannieG) seems to have this to a fine art with Dhiren. I am sure Dhiren would not be as content as he is without Sylvia having learnt how to communicate with him in ways which create contentment. I also think the staff at the home learn from her. It took quite a lot of learning and once the caring was shared, then it came into its own!!

I hope you slept well and that you feel TP's support today.

Love and a (HUG)

[Grannie G]

If there was a choice, I would grab it, but there isn't.
I will be fine as long as he's happy.
Jan x

I will be fine as long as he's happy.

This is it Jan. x

[piedwarbler]

Good morning Jan. You have supported me so much. I wish I knew what to say. I am sending a big hug and hope your headache is better today.
Don't worry what the staff think. Sounds like they need a bit of compassion training!!
Xx

[jan.s]

Thank you all for your support. I did sleep last night, as I had worn myself out last night. I feel more positive this morning and will continue with my routine of visiting him each afternoon for the near future, to try to keep continuity.

I suppose it all just hit me last night, after the worry of everything leading up to his move and I realised the enormity of it all.

When I spoke with the home last night, he was happy and miles, which pleased me. I only hope his personal care went as well! Not my problem, must remember that!

Helen, you are so right, lying in any form doesn't sit comfortably, but I can see that maybe an economy with the truth is ok for the right reasons.

Thank you pied, my headache has gone!

Thank you to everyone for your love and support. I know I have friends on TP and am so thankful that I found you all.

Much love
Jan xx

[Haylett]

Dear jan.s - I'm so sorry that you are having to bear the trauma of putting your husband in a home - this must be such a hard and heart-breaking thing to cope with, but such a brave choice and one that I'm sure, is the best possible one for your husband. I hope very much that the home becomes an extension of the home you built together. Your husband will feel your love just as much there as in your own home. I hope the transition is as smooth as it can be and that the care staff can shadow the loving care that you clearly have given your husband, so that you can have peace of mind. Hx

[jan.s]

Thank you Haylett. Yes, it has been a struggle, but I also know that it was the only way we would both be able to cope with his illness.

You are spot on when you say that I can only hope that the atmosphere at the home is an extension of our home life.

I am feeling far more positive this morning and looking forward to going to see him today, hoping that he is fairly settled.

Thank you for your support.
Jan x

[piedwarbler]

That's good to hear Jan. Go gently on yourself,

Love ,

Pied xx

[Padraig]

Jan, I think I know how you feel as I've been there. For almost a year my wife was in a NH while I was in the process of selling our house to downsize.

I can say that was the very worst period of our journey. It was a time full of stress, frustration, anger and many sleepless nights. Though I visited every day and spent 8 to 9 hours with her I felt lost. In my case, I was very fortunate in removing her to care for her on my own till the end.

It will be five years in Dec since she passed and though I live alone she is always with me. So I understand what you say. When she entered my life we became one. She enriched my whole life and the saying; better to have such a love, than never to have loved at all, says sums it up. I see her in the faces of our son and daughter, our 9 grandchildren and yesterday a new great-grand son bringing a total of 9 great-grandchildren. Now I count my blessings. Hope this is of help.
Note: I never refer to my children as many do, they will always be OURS.

[Butter]

Jan -

I am so very sorry. I so hope your visit today went gently and peacefully.

I know that my father now finds my mother's carehome is an extension of their home that he still lives in. Whenever I visit my mother I can tell my father has just been or is about to come again.

I wish you courage as you begin to adjust to this over-whelming change

Butter

[tre]

Dear Jan,
I hope your husband was OK in the CH. My husband is 72 and I tend to think of him as young to have this illness and then I see what you are having to face with your husband only 62.
I had been my husband's sole carer until October 2011 when he went to his first day care session. I cried my eyes out on the way out when I first left him. It seemed like the beginning of another phase. Now here you are in the next phase. I understand completely how it feels different from the hospital, because you can sort of fool yourself that he might come home from hospital. It is the finality of facing up to the CH that makes it difficult.
My husband is like yours, a loving gentle man as far as is possible at this stage and I am sure we are both very grateful for that. I know the white lies or sidestepping the truth is neccessary on occasion to avoid distress so like you I do it but you hit the nail totally on the head by describing how uncomfortable this feels in a relationship where there has been nothing but honesty.
I am not a religious person but my aunt used to say she prayed for the strength to change what could be changed and to accept what could not be changed and the wisdom to know the difference.
The thing that shines through for me from your posts is the love you have for your husband. I really hope everything goes as well for both of you as is possible,
Love Tre

[jimbo 111]

Dear Jan, ---------------
".I am not a religious person but my aunt used to say she prayed for the strength to change what could be changed and to accept what could not be changed and the wisdom to know the difference. "

Love Tre

Tre
I to am not particularly religious , but the prayer quoted above has sustained me
without fail since my wife died nearly two years ago
The prayer in full is

Please God
Grant me the Courage to change the things that can be changed
The Serenity to accept those things that cannot be changed
And the Wisdom to know the difference

My wifes death followed a heart attack so her death was relatively sudden
I can only add my sympathy to Jan and all of those members who are in a similar position to her
I really do feel for the pain ,anguish and fortitude that must be required in the circumstances of leaving a husband or wife it must take a lot of courage
I am often misunderstood when I tell people that the pain felt by people who have to leave their loved ones is worse than a sudden death
I love my wife dearly and two years on I still feel her death , but I am aware that our parting is irrevocable
My sympathy to Jan and tre and all those who continue to share that anguish
Even without being particularly religious the prayer quoted above ( with others ) does continue to bring me some comfort
Please take heart
Best Wishes
jimbo 111

[Contrary Mary]

Jan, I feel for you having reached this stage of the dementia journey, and the difficult adjustments to life that have to be made. I do hope that the home turns out to be as good as you hope and that you can now share the care.

Thanks to Tre and Jimbo for mentioning the prayer. We have a plaque on the wall with praying hands and the prayer. Not being in the mood yet to be very houseproud I had forgotten all about it.

Mary
x

[jan.s]

Padraig. Thank you for your kind words. Yes, we have a similar relationship whereby we became one; since he became ill and struggled with things, I always say to him "we are a team". That then allows me to help him.

Butter. I do hope that the care home will be an extension of our home, and that we can spend quality time together. Thank you.

Tre. I too cared for my husband until January of this year, when it all became too much for both of us. It is good to know that I am not alone in crying my way home! It felt like leaving my little one at boarding school for the first day - I'm still labelling his clothes! I do try to remain as honest as I can, but sometimes it is just kinder. I think he believes that I live there too. Thank you for your kind thoughts.

Jimbo. Thank you for the prayer. I shall copy and paste it and use it as a reminder to help me through the bad bits, as I am sure there will be many more! You are so right too when you describe the anguish, it's like losing him a bit at a time. I am still thankful that he is a kind person.

Mary. Thank you too for your kind words.

Everyone has made such a difference, even if you have made me cry even more!!
thank you.

J x

[jan.s]

Thank you all for your comments - it means so much to me to know that there are so many people who care. I've never met you, but you are there, sharing your love and encouragement, understanding how I feel and that makes such a difference.

I must admit, I wasn't sure what I was going to see when I got to the CH today. I rang late morning, just to see how he was, so I could prepare myself. I felt sick in case he was unhappy!! But no, they told me that he had been fine. He had accepted help with washing and dressing; that can be a contentious issue!!

I arrived a bit early today, and found him just finishing his lunch and how pleased he was to see me. A big smile. GREAT! He was chatty with staff and was fairly relaxed, a good start. We went through to the day centre for a singing session, which he enjoyed (especially waving his flag to Land of Hope and Glory!).

So far, so good. I can only hope this continues. I asked him if he was happy and he said yes and smiled. I really hope that we can enjoy a good relationship, without me having to be involved in the contentious bits.

I'm sorry, I've rambled, but I am pleased that he has started to settle. Thank you all for your support.

Jan xx

PS Just had a call from the CH - he pushed someone tonight!! Both are OK, He objected to her keep shouting. I bet he didn't get a Brownie point for that one.

[Butter]

I hope your day today is gentle too. I'm sorry you were called last night about a 'push'. I'm not sure what you were expected to do about it!!! If my mother's CH called every time there was a 'push' they would never get anything else done!!!!!! Your husband must be in tender and attentive hands - with people who have enough time.