My dad was placed into Resdential Care Yesterday

[Miss Brodie]

Hi my names Stef and I have been helping look after my father who is 5 years into Vascular Dementia. I say that quite loosely as I feel a failure. I looked after my dad when it became quite apparent that things weren't quite right with him. He became very Deaf very quickly and as a result became quite confused. His bad eyesight also completely failed and it all happened within months . I tried to do the very best I could for him taking him to GP and hospital appointments. The audio dept let him down too as when he had an hearing test and then they did a mold in his ear for hearing aids part of the molding broke away and dad ended up needing surgery ! I remember arguing with a consultant on the day as I was so very worried about my dad needing a general anesthetic at the age then of 83 to remove the foreign body.

My husband died very suddenly at a relatively young age whilst working and that's when my fellow siblings actually stepped in to take over his care as my life had gone completely to pieces. My dad is a Slovakian by birth and had a very traumatic past , which has surfaced in his dementia, but even that has progressed that he isn't behaving like a cat caught in the headlights anymore, which I suppose is a good thing. My dad didn't want to go into a home but as a family and him just having a three week stay in hospital after constant falls , severe weight loss and vomiting blood. We all had to make the difficult decision to place him in residential care. My dad underwent a mental assessment just over two weeks ago, that's when it hit me my dad was incapable of making any sort of decisions for himself anymore.

My lovely dad left the room and never came back and I miss him so very much. My mum died when I was 26 and when my own life went to pieces when I was 45... I felt like I was being punished by this man who looks like dad who asked constantly where my husband was....I can't tell you the mental damage that that did to me.

I know he is going to be well cared for and the homes policy speaks for itself..... you are here to live your life , not to end your days here.

so that's sort of my life at the moment

[lupo]

Hi My mum went in last week and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I felt a failure. I walked her down the path with my sister to the car knowing she would never come back to her home. I had sat with her since 6am that morning after relieving my brother who had stayed with her all night. I nipped home an hour before we took her and cried all the way home. Since going in the home she fell twice in the first five days and had to go to hospital in the ambulance, all this reinforced to me that she needed more care than we could give her at home. So dont feel guilty, it is the best decision. The staff are lovely where mum is. To have kept her at home I , or one of my siblings would have had to give up work. We also have my 45 year old brother with downs syndrome to care for. There is only so much you can do then you have to hand it over to the professionals. Its not the end, You can visit whenever, have outings etc

[SWMBO1950]

Hi Stef and welcome to this forum.

Let us get this straight first off you are not a failure. You have looked after your father until his care needed to be more than was available at home - this is what happened to my Father in Law.

The main thing is that your father is in the right place with contant care and is safe. You have made a decision on his welfare which sounds to be the absolutly right one.

You will be able to visit and ensure he is well as my mother in law does. She tries to time her visits with lunch time so she can feed him and therefore is still giving him love/attention and care that way.

You have had by what I have read a traumatic time and you need time to 'heal' which you must afford yourself.

This is not the end just another episode in the life you and you father are leading.

Dont beat yourself up you come across as a very kind and caring daughter so just carry on with that albeit in a slightly different way.

Very Best Wishes

Hi my names Stef and I have been helping look after my father who is 5 years into Vascular Dementia. I say that quite loosely as I feel a failure. I looked after my dad when it became quite apparent that things weren't quite right with him. He became very Deaf very quickly and as a result became quite confused. His bad eyesight also completely failed and it all happened within months . I tried to do the very best I could for him taking him to GP and hospital appointments. The audio dept let him down too as when he had an hearing test and then they did a mold in his ear for hearing aids part of the molding broke away and dad ended up needing surgery ! I remember arguing with a consultant on the day as I was so very worried about my dad needing a general anesthetic at the age then of 83 to remove the foreign body.

My husband died very suddenly at a relatively young age whilst working and that's when my fellow siblings actually stepped in to take over his care as my life had gone completely to pieces. My dad is a Slovakian by birth and had a very traumatic past , which has surfaced in his dementia, but even that has progressed that he isn't behaving like a cat caught in the headlights anymore, which I suppose is a good thing. My dad didn't want to go into a home but as a family and him just having a three week stay in hospital after constant falls , severe weight loss and vomiting blood. We all had to make the difficult decision to place him in residential care. My dad underwent a mental assessment just over two weeks ago, that's when it hit me my dad was incapable of making any sort of decisions for himself anymore.

My lovely dad left the room and never came back and I miss him so very much. My mum died when I was 26 and when my own life went to pieces when I was 45... I felt like I was being punished by this man who looks like dad who asked constantly where my husband was....I can't tell you the mental damage that that did to me.

I know he is going to be well cared for and the homes policy speaks for itself..... you are here to live your life , not to end your days here.

so that's sort of my life at the moment

[SWMBO1950]

You are not a failure either Lupo so dont beat yourself up!

Hi My mum went in last week and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I felt a failure. I walked her down the path with my sister to the car knowing she would never come back to her home. I had sat with her since 6am that morning after relieving my brother who had stayed with her all night. I nipped home an hour before we took her and cried all the way home. Since going in the home she fell twice in the first five days and had to go to hospital in the ambulance, all this reinforced to me that she needed more care than we could give her at home. So dont feel guilty, it is the best decision. The staff are lovely where mum is. To have kept her at home I , or one of my siblings would have had to give up work. We also have my 45 year old brother with downs syndrome to care for. There is only so much you can do then you have to hand it over to the professionals. Its not the end, You can visit whenever, have outings etc

[BethT]

Stef I really feel for you and send you a hug. Your Dads dementia on top of all your other devastating losses must be so terribly hard. You are a kind daughter and you have done the best you possibly can for your father and although its very sad you can take some comfort in that. I hope you can get through this with the support of your siblings, and this site is very good too so make use of it when you need help. Wishing you well.

[Jackcat]

It is hard I know (as my Mum is just two weeks into a lovely CH and is having a terrible time settling) but you must not let the guilt monster move in with you. You have been a great carer and can continue to do that for him in his new home, just in different ways. It is normal to be sad though, so don't beat yourself up about that, please x

[Miss Brodie]

thank you everyone for you encouraging words of support to me xx