More rows regarding mum..

[Isabella41]

Right now I bitterly regret persuading mum to move this side of the border to be close to me. I did not realise how bad she was until she moved here. Literally since Christmas mum has been the focus of my world. I feel like I have been trying to push water uphill.

I think I have saw of auntie dearest for now at least. Step foward my daughters it seems. The eldest girl who moved to England at Christmas having previously promised she'd be there to help look after mum. She has a good heart but does tend to veer wildly as to whose camp she should be in. Its not that I want her to take sides so to speak but one minute she's fully supportive of my decisions the next she's arguing against them. My younger daughter and mum had not spoken word to each other for 5yrs until mum moved up here. She visted her a couple of times in the sheltered housing and fell for mum's stories of being hard done by. She agreed to help me out by taking mum to get her dentures fitted.

The last denture fitting was this afternoon. Mum told my daughter her phone was missing and also that she had bought cigarettes but someone took them. I don't know where she got the money from but my daughter allowed her into a shop and she bought more cigarettes. When they got back to the home staff told my daughter that I had asked for the sim card to be taken out of the phone.

My younger daughter obviously got on the phone to her sister full of concerns. I then got a very agitated phone call. I was told I should give permission for mum to smoke "allow her a few wee pleasures". I pointed out £23.00 p.allowance won't go too far if mum went back to her 40 a day habit, even 20 a day would wipe out the allowance. I have no problem supplementing mum's allowance to buy clothes, toiletries, hairdressing etc but I will not do this if money that should be spent on these things is being spent foolishly on cigarettes. My daughter also berated me for asking for the sim card to be removed. She has accused me if bullying mum. She wasn't the one getting phone calls at 3am!!! I said she knewthe main reason I did this was to try to get mum to settle and so auntie couldn't get to her so easily. To be honest I told my daughter I was next of kin I was doing the best I could. I said if she lived here she could be next of kin and she could make different decisions as she saw fit. We ended up arguing alot. I love her to bits but once she gets an idea into her head she keeps with it. As she worked as a care assistant when going through uni she seems to think she is some sort of expert in dementia matters and the running of care homes.

I'd be the first to admit that I'm far from perfect. Its hard enough caring for someone you love deeply but when its a case of duty and doing the right thing its very hard. As time passes I am disliking mum more and more. For the past 5wks without exception everytime I have spoken to her either in person or on the phone she has been horrible to me and been so abusive. She told me she hopes and prays I never have a moment's luck/peace for all my badness. She's told me I deserve to be sick as i'm such a bad person. She will rant at my elder daughter to a lesser degree. My daughter shouts back and tells her to behave. She will then apologise a few days later. She has never apologised to me and is generally careful to insult me when there is no one else around - my husband being the exception as she insults him too.

I am so fed up and stressed out with this all that I feel like telling daughter number 1 she can take over and just pull out completely and let her see what its really like day to day.

When oh when will this ever end and we can have some peace.

[jan.s]

Oh Isabella
You've had such a tough time of it and handled everything so well. It is clear your mum is not easy to cope with and all the "experts" giving advice must be awful.

If your daughters feel you are doing so badly, maybe they would like to take responsibility for their nan; if not, stop causing you aggro and let you get on with making the decisions.

I admire you very much for putting up with everything you have thrown at you by your mum - I am very patient, but am not sure I could put up with that.

Good luck
Jan

[tre]

Dear Isabella,
I am sorry you are having such a tough time. From my experience with my mum people who swan in for a little while and make a quick assessmemt of the situation are not in the real world, especially if a lot of their assumptions are based on the veracity of the stuff they are being told by the person with dementia. Your mum does not lie on purpose but she has a distorted view of reality which is very frightening for her and because you are the person she sees the most then you get the blame. Were your daughter or any of the other carers mostly absent siblings and relatives to be on the receiving end all the time as you are they would soon get the picture. I don't know what the answer is but one thing I am sure of is that it is extremely difficult and you are doing a great job. I would be tempted to say to any critical family member " OK perhaps I am exhausted and this is clouding my judgement so why don't I bow out for a week and leave you to sort all this out". Then reality would really bite. Don't let the b*****s get you down
Tre

[SWMBO1950]

""I am so fed up and stressed out with this all that I feel like telling daughter number 1 she can take over and just pull out completely and let her see what its really like day to day""

Do it Isabella and get some peace - I recon your daughter will be back begging you to take over again as they have no idea what you endure.


My heart goes out to you xx

[SWMBO1950]

Don't let the b*****s get you down - So right Tre!!

[Katrine]

I really wish I understood why all the women in your family think they have a right to bully you, Isabella. I think you are just too nice. Your mum and aunt think they can criticise you and be dismissive about your health problems and emotional needs. You, because you are a good and tolerant person, haven't replicated this behaviour with your own daughters, and therefore they aren't afraid of offending you, are they? . They are bossing you about instead of respecting your authority and seniority.

I am so sorry. You seem such a lovely person and no-one but your OH shows you respect. You have regained some control over this situation and, Oh boy, are they all ganging up to put your back in your box!
My suggestion is to give far less information to your relatives so they cannot use it against you. In hindsight, it was unwise to tell your daughter about the SIM card. As you say, she wasn't getting the phone calls. She just sees it as control being exercised, and doesn't understand why that control is necessary. It is like with small children, they actually need boundaries, as does your mum.

Could you draft some standard statements, e.g. "Please respect my decisions" and "Please do not undermine my authority" or "Please don't undermine grannie's care plan. Boundaries have been put in place to help her to settle." And you can always leave out the 'Please' if they take this to mean that you are asking their permission for your actions. You are asking them to be respectful and polite, and I just hope they can do this, but it seems as if there are some long-standing habits involved. You need to adopt my mother's pre-dementia mantra "What about me-ee-ee-ee!"

[Isabella41]

Katrine, You've hit the nail right on the head. I admit I am too open and share too much with daughter no. 1. When I met my husband 6yrs ago he was amazed at how for an easy life I let both girls rule the roost. He said I sought their approval in everything and allowed them to boss me about. He commented it was the same with mum in that everytime she rang and wanted something I accomodated her even if it meant changing my own plans at the last minute. Daddy was still alive back then so it wasn't all that bad. Over the past 6yrs my darling husband has encouraged me to become more assertive and stand up for myself a bit more. My eldest daughter has not taken this change well and still tries her best to control. The younger one is civil now but stormed out of the house 4yrs ago when I called time on her bad behaviour.

Since writing the orginal msg tonight daughter no. 1 texted me ranting away. I'm quite proud of myself that I read it but didn't reply.

I admit I hate confrontation and will go out of my way to avoid it. This is why I have felt stressed out arguing with family and professionals this past while. Its just not something I do naturally. I admit I can talk a good talk which others mistake for confidence. My rock of a husband has spent the past 6 yrs trying to build me up but all the insults and accusations this past while are really taking their toil.
Sorry didn't mean this to be such a ranting session.

[ggma]

If ranting helps you get it out, then carry on!! We all understand on here and you seem to have understood yourself very well.

Don't let them pull your strings, you are entitled to your life with your husband, we all try to be there for everyone, and it is just not possible.

I think you are doing really well, all the best.

[SWMBO1950]

Well done Isabella for not responding to your daughters rant

Katrine, You've hit the nail right on the head. I admit I am too open and share too much with daughter no. 1. When I met my husband 6yrs ago he was amazed at how for an easy life I let both girls rule the roost. He said I sought their approval in everything and allowed them to boss me about. He commented it was the same with mum in that everytime she rang and wanted something I accomodated her even if it meant changing my own plans at the last minute. Daddy was still alive back then so it wasn't all that bad. Over the past 6yrs my darling husband has encouraged me to become more assertive and stand up for myself a bit more. My eldest daughter has not taken this change well and still tries her best to control. The younger one is civil now but stormed out of the house 4yrs ago when I called time on her bad behaviour.

Since writing the orginal msg tonight daughter no. 1 texted me ranting away. I'm quite proud of myself that I read it but didn't reply.

I admit I hate confrontation and will go out of my way to avoid it. This is why I have felt stressed out arguing with family and professionals this past while. Its just not something I do naturally. I admit I can talk a good talk which others mistake for confidence. My rock of a husband has spent the past 6 yrs trying to build me up but all the insults and accusations this past while are really taking their toil.
Sorry didn't mean this to be such a ranting session.

[Witzend]

You need to adopt my mother's pre-dementia mantra "What about me-ee-ee-ee!"

God, this is exactly what OH’s old aunt (no dementia) used to say. She was unbelievably self-centred. We had her for Christmas once – my sister and her husband and daughter were supposed to be coming (from the US) too, but couldn’t at the last minute because her husband (not well anyway) had to go into hosp.

Sister phoned on Boxing Day, her husband not well at all, needed an op, could we possibly go and look after daughter (only 7) so she could stay with him in hosp. Her husband had virtually no family to help. OH and I flew out at 12 hours' notice, all the old aunt could say was, what about ME? What about my food? (obsessed with her stomach).

We left our 2 grown up daughters to look after her, take her home, cook, do her shopping, washing, ironing, you name it, and still she moaned to relatives that they had ‘just dumped’ her. And my sister’s husband died on the operating table – did she even phone to ask how he was? She did not, and when we told her said she didn’t want to know, just carried on moaning about how we’d gone off like that. Didn’t give a toss for my poor sister or her little daughter left without a dad at only 7. I had run around an awful lot after her before this – after that I didn’t go and see the selfish old baggage for over 2 years. Told OH I’d had it with her absolutely.
Sorry for rant, but that episode still really upsets me.