Dreading this weekend

[craftyviola]

Some of you may have remembered that I posted on here a couple of weeks ago that my sister was taking our 88 year old Mum out of her CH where she has only been for five weeks so that Mum could go to her great grandson's (my sister's grandson) christening. The christening is within two hour's drive and my sister has insisted it is too much for Mum to be driven there and back in a day (it isn't too much) The stupid woman didn't even bother to tell us it was happening and I only found out these plans through the CH staff. Mum hasn't a clue who the great grand son is, who his parents are and sometimes thinks I am her sister (I don't look THAT old!!) In short she is very confused which is why she needs to be in a CH in the first place. My sister disagrees even though two GPs, hospital specialist, Social workers and the care home have deemed her to lack capacity. But my sister reckons she knows all about dementia because she is a "health professional"

Well, I could have put my foot down and blocked this stupid plan of hers as I have LPA for welfare and finances, but my husband advised me against it. The home could do nothing as they couldn't stop my sister, though I could. So now against my better judgement it is going ahead. I know my sister is going to be feeding Mum with evil stuff about me, about how I put her in the home etc and poor Mum is not properly settled though she likes the home. This is a pathetic attempt to get control over Mum and one over on me. She was emotionally cruel to Mum before Mum had dementia and they didn't speak for over a year. She waited until Mum firgot the contention then reappeared. She was always trying to get money from her and we removed her cheque book and her banking because Mum was so vulnerable that she would have given it to her, not knowing whether she had money to give! I had to report her to Social Services for emotionally abusing Mum (Mum was phoning us in tears at 10 pm
after my sister rang her up) SS opened an Adult Safeguarding and partly substantiated my allegations. They advised my sister to tell us when she was visiting Mum so that we could be prepared but she has just ignored that and I know that this weekend is going to be a disaster and we are going to have to pick
up the pieces.

Now I am feeling sad that I let it happen. I just can't win!!!

Sorry for the rant but I am so so angry!!

[craftyviola]

I meant to say that my sister is taking her out for two nights, not just for the day!

[Onlyme]

After one day with your Mum I think your sister will be bringing her back asap. Being a 'health professional' means she has probably had an afternoon training in dementia, if that.

[jude50]

Perhaps your sister will find it such a strain to look after your Mum completely for the weekend she won't be so willing to do it again. I take it that your Mum needs a high level of care and of course you have every right to be concerned and angry because your knowledge of how your Mum copes on a day to day basis is being completely ignored by a 'professional' sister. I too had a bit of this before Mum was diagnosed when my youngest sister (severe learning difficulties) was in hospital with a fractured femur. The hospital was very difficult to navigate and I just asked once for my other sister to say to Mum not to go on her own as she wasn't able to find her way to the ward. I was told that no she wouldn't say anything to Mum as it was Mum's decision and I was making a fuss about nothing. The upshot was the Mum did get lost in the hospital and was rescued by a porter who took her to the ward but Mum never said she was going on her own again. So perhaps if this weekend is a complete failure for your sister she won't be so insistent in the future and I hope that it doesn't take you too long to settle your Mum down again when she returns.

Jude

[jan.s]

Dear Viola
Whatever you do "will be wrong" in someone's eyes. You have obviously thought long and hard before making the decision, so don't beat yourself up.
If your sister is so adamant on taking mum, as she appears to be, just step back, and let her deal with things. When mum becomes confused and disorientated, let her deal with it - just make sure you are not on the end of the phone to pick up the pieces during or just after the weekend. Your sister may well change her mind after the first night - I'm not sure what stage your mum is at, but let's hope she is very awkward and it has no long term effect on her.

Good luck
Jan x

[tre]

I think you are doing the right thing by biting your tongue and allowing your sister to do what she wants. Reality will bite and she will realise it is not as straightforward as she thought. If you said no you would be the bad guy. Your mum will very likely be stressed but she will soon forget about it once she is back at the CH and your sister will see the truth. I know you will worry about your mum but your sister has taken responsibilty for her and thinks it will be no problem. Let her learn and it may be she is more compassionate with you in the future
Tre

[TinaT]

I too think you have done the right thing by biting your tongue. I hope that your mum gets some pleasure from the visit and that after two days and nights, your sister will know her own limitations!

Whatever sister says against you will be forgotten within minutes by your mum and even if vestigages remain, she will, somewhere in the back of her mind, know you two very well, and love you for helping her when she most needs it.

The visit might upset mum for a day or two but the staff will soon settle her back down again.

xxTinaT

[SWMBO1950]

I second and third everything that has been said by everyone here.

I know you will be worried but letting your sister 'take charge' I think will show her just how hard it is coping/looking after a dementia patient even if it is your own mother. As a 'health professional' she obviously thinks she knows all the answers - NOT!

Don't be too eagre to answer your telephone either this weekend let messgaes be left and then listen to them after. If she wants to take charge let her and enjoy the rest - if you can call it that.

I am sure your mum will settle down next week when she is back in the CH and I know you will be on hand to reassure her.

Best Wishes

[ggma]

You have had this hanging over you for some weeks now, and I think you are being very brave and your sister will have a very difficult time with your mother, someone with dementia in a strange place at night, not at all easy. Often health professionals are used to people responding to their position, they use this power and feeling unsure in hospitals etc to manage people, but it will be very different for your sister and her family being with your Mother over 2 days.

She has no choice but to bring her back as presumably she has work to return to. I am sure your Mum will soon settle back into the home, but your sister will probably never admit to you how the weekend really goes!!

Try not to worry and have some time for yourself this weekend. All the best

[craftyviola]

Thank you all so much for your kind supportive messages/comments. I am still feeling hollow and sad even though Mum isn't due to be picked up til tomorrow afternoon. I know it will all be over on Monday, but I still feel as though it's my child being taken away on their first residential school trip, but with forbidding about what her intentions are.

And yes, she is an Occupational Therapist and therefore the font of all knowledge when it comes to dementia (not) quoting what she learned about Prof this or that whom she learned from in the 70s. She even said something about Dewey Bodies!! Even I know that's not what it's called! The area of her expertise not well honed is that of our Mother's condition and how it affects Mum day to day. She talks about "Mum's wishes" but never "Mum's best interests". She hasn't a bloody clue because she has not dealt with the day to day problems, getting her to wash, change her clothes, eat, take tablets etc. she will never admit that these two days were stressful afterwards but will most likely put a spin on it. She will be spending £60-70 on fuel because she will have to do two journeys there and back when we offered to meet her halfway, if she agreed to take Mum just for the day but she refused. Then she pleads poverty because she is in so much debt.

Hopefully I'll keep myself busy and just get on with my weekend. I just find it hard to bear that all ours and the CH'a hard work in getting her settled is in jeopardy of being damaged by this idiotic, self centred person who is just trying to act as though she is in control over a person who is frail, vulnerable and incapable of holding any new information for more than seconds at a time.

Love you Mum.

[Marina1974]

Hiya

Its almost seems that the blog you posted was meant to be mine! Its just that I have and still going through similar situation with my mum and siblings (two brothers). Initially it was really painful as mum lives with me and when she did go over to spend time with her sons i was left to pick up the pieces, but there was nothing I could do as mum wanted to go over and when she did come back there was a lot of negative things in her mind about me and she would go against me. This was extremely sad to see and hear some of the horrible comments she would make about me. I had to bite my tongue and let her be and if she wanted to go to spend time with her sons i just let her. My brothers have realised that this is not in any way affecting me so they have stopped putting negative thoughts into her head. I do get angry that they are using mum to get one over me, she does not derserve this.

Hang in there and let your sister spend the time with her, I am a health professional and knowing all about dementia is one thing and spending time with someone who actually is a sufferer is another. No training or knowledge can quite prepare one to the reality!!!!!

[Grannie G]

Just let your sister have her 15 minutes of caring. It won`t do her any harm.
Take the opportunity to have a break from caring yourself, instead of wasting your precious free time worrying.

[Pottingshed50]

As you can see you are not alone in this. We have a similar problem with family so we can really feel for you. I know you wont enjoy your rest away from Mum, it is not your caring nature as we can all see. Just give it time and the 'shine' of taking Mum out will soon wear off. I wonder if truth be told if your sister would have done exactly what you have done and place your Mum where she is safe, warm, well fed, clean, 24/7 care, and a big plus , have company. May be not but I think most people on here would agree that you are the caring person in this instance and not as my old aunt use to say - (apologies before hand) all top show and no knickers...

We can all be one day wonders...

[Clementine]

I would be very interested to know, crafty viola, how this "outing" will go.

Mum said out of the blue the other day (she very rarely makes sense these days), that she would love to come to sit for an afternoon in our apartment up on the cliff overlooking the sea, we were totally astonished, how could she remember all of a sudden.
I would love to do it, to bring her here for a whole day, but my husband is totally against it, he thinks it will unsettle her. She would need to be in a wheelchair all day as she can not walk and there might also be some pad changing. I am cross with my husband that he does not even want to try.
I think your sister, crafty viola, wants to do this, she wants to try, let her, enjoy the weekend without the responsibility and hopefully your sister will see that you are right.
I wish my husband would let me try!

[eastiesgir]

I have to say I doubt very much that your sister will keep your mum out the whole weekend! Many who don't have much contact, and therefore the insight into how bad the situation really is, are very quick to judge what others are doing wrong. They more than not get a huge shock when they realise just what is going on!
One of my brothers is still sure that mum shouldnt be in the CH and that she isn't too bad. I however believe this is just an excuse to justify his once a fortnight 1 hour visit.
Take heart that even if your sister swears otherwise, she will not have the time to enjoy the christening because she will be running around after your mum all the time.
x