Care Home - how long to wait before 1st visit?

[Pheath]

Dad moved to a care home last Monday (26/3) and after a very bad start (he hit another resident and carer on his first day who were thankfully not hurt) seems to have calmed down and is slowly getting used to his new environment. We’ve been told to give it a bit longer before we can visit, possibly until the middle of next week or maybe even slightly longer. Just out of interest wondered how long was it before others could visit relatives after moving to a home? Am sure every home has different policies and guess it all depends on how well someone is settling. I always thought the period of not visiting was about 3-4 days and am finding the waiting quite difficult but understand there’s a good reason for it, just don’t want him to forget us if it’s too long! Thank you.

[Chemmy]

I was told three weeks. Look at it as respite for you and do something nice for yourself.

[Grannie G]

If you are really anxious about your dad, ask if you can have a peep at him without him seeing you. It might set your mind at rest.

I used to say this to mothers of nursery children when they left them in tears. I told them to walk round the block and then peep through the windows without being seen.
It never failed.

[massolina]

I've a similar problem , my dad is going into respite for 8 days , he's never been before nor has he been to day care. I dont want him to feel dumped and would go almost every day if I can get the lifts. I'm so torn about what to do ...help?

[Jess26]

my mum has spent the last 2 wks in respite, a friend asked me the day she went in if I could visit every day. This made me challenge my way of thinking. Would I be a bad daughter if I didn't visit.

I mentioned this to my daughter who happens to work for adult SS. Her words put my mind at rest. "Respite is as much for the carer as the cared for".

I agree, enjoy your time off. I have. Although I confess to ringing 2-3 times to check all was ok

[massolina]

It isnt me putting Dad into respite but his wife. She booked a holiday and his respite but could maybe have taken advantage of offers from me and his grandson who between us could have prevented him having to go. thats why i want to visit him as I feel he wont have time to get used to the idea.

[PurpleJay]

I only missed a day or two with mum and still felt bad because I had visited almost everyday for the 3 months she was in hospital. I went after about 3 days and we went to check out her room and look at her things and she became very agitated and told me to pack her things and kept trying to get out of the wheelchair and hit me. She was shouting and screaming and I couldn't get her back in the lift or leave her to get help. It was just awful. When we got to the lounge she was so furious with me for leaving her there that I ended up in tears and the manager took me away and made me tea!

At that point the manager said it may be best if I didn't go everyday. I needed to give her time. She had apparently been fine for 'most' of the day until I arrived and then she expected me to 'do something'. They said for me to have a peep through the window before going in and maybe to miss a day or two. They also said I could ring as much as I liked, as many times a day as I wanted. Going every other day or so has worked well and was enough to help her settle although there were some tough visits in the first few weeks.

Be guided by the home. It sounds as though your dad is a little calmer. It will get better. Keep phoning to put your mind at rest in the meantime.

Hugs
Jane x

[massolina]

I only missed a day or two with mum and still felt bad because I had visited almost everyday for the 3 months she was in hospital. I went after about 3 days and we went to check out her room and look at her things and she became very agitated and told me to pack her things and kept trying to get out of the wheelchair and hit me. She was shouting and screaming and I couldn't get her back in the lift or leave her to get help. It was just awful. When we got to the lounge she was so furious with me for leaving her there that I ended up in tears and the manager took me away and made me tea!

At that point the manager said it may be best if I didn't go everyday. I needed to give her time. She had apparently been fine for 'most' of the day until I arrived and then she expected me to 'do something'. They said for me to have a peep through the window before going in and maybe to miss a day or two. They also said I could ring as much as I liked, as many times a day as I wanted. Going every other day or so has worked well and was enough to help her settle although there were some tough visits in the first few weeks.

Be guided by the home. It sounds as though your dad is a little calmer. It will get better. Keep phoning to put your mind at rest in the meantime.

Hugs
Jane x

Sorry I didnt get back asap but told myself that I'd avoid the computer for a day and do some gardening!
Dad is calm, had another memory test on Friday scorde 23/30 and 67/100 is on good form and having normal conversationd. At times you'd think nothing is wrong and at others he asks you if you want tea 10 times in as many minutes. As you know from previous posts I'm dead against him going into a home for 8 days as the thing that really does affect him is when he is taken away from that which is familiar and I dread it making matters worse. I may be wrong but personnaly would not take the chance either for his sake or that of his wife. I mentioned the visiting thing to Step mum who sadi that shes never heard about delaying visits....I asked when I visited the home that she had chosen, along with other questions that she hadn't broached either.
I dont want him to arrive there confused as to why he is there as he is good at the moment and then either I visit first day to reassure him all is well, but do I risk making it worse? I'm totally gutted about the whole thing. I'm terrified that it will have a bad effect on him.

[Chemmy]

Hi Jane

I don't think anyone can give a definitive answer on this; it all depends on how your dad reacts on the day so it may be a case of playing it by ear.

If it was me, I'd phone the CH first and be guided by them on if/when to visit once they've met your dad. They will have done this loads of times before and will have strategies in place to settle residents as quickly as possible - after all, it's in their interests as much as your dad's to have him settled.

[Leermn]

There is no definitive time to wait until you see your father, and here we have a typical nursing home approach to letting a person settle in, you are correct in assuming around 4 -5 days is long enough, without being involved it would be difficult to say with accuracy, however what I will say with absolute confidence is that it is up to you, not the nursing home.

[Butter]

Yes - everyone is different. I can only tell you my mother has not 'settled' (whatever that means) after over two years. She still weeps and screams and fights to go home with my father. He has gone every day bar one (when he had his cataract done) throughout that time.

[Lucy Lastic]

My Mother went into a care home 4 weeks ago. I was advised by the hospital (she had been there for 7 months under the Mental Health Act) to be there waiting for her with all her personal belongings in her room, pictures on the wall etc when she first arrived. It made it less scarey for her.

I have visited twice or three times a week since then and have taken her out 3 times now.

Some visits are better than others and I too have been in tears when she insists she wants to go home, but fortunately this is not the case every time.

I think you have to play it by ear with each individual and take advice from the professionals.

[Pheath]

Thanks everyone for your helpful responses, I can see the time to wait varies depending on circumstances. I've just been told I can visit dad for the first time tomorrow (so that will be just over a week from when he arrived) and even take him out in the car which I'm very pleased about. However although the manager assures me there won't be a problem returning him to the home am still feeling v apprehensive about what his reaction will be. I'm aware many of you have had bad experiences when it's time to say goodbye.

[Lucy Lastic]

On returning to the care home after a day - out I have found this problematic.

The first time it was dark and Mum was tired, so I got her to her room then left her with a carer,so all was well.

The second time it was daylight and luckily they answered the door quickly, I said we were "just popping in here for a cup of tea". That went OK and I left quickly as a carer walked Mum to the lounge.

Yesterday I thought Mum would be OK with "this is where you live now" but I was wrong. After hanging around on the doorstep for what seemed like ages waiting for someone to open the door, which was marked "Reception" Mum knew this was not her new house. "Why was there someone already in it?" "I want my own front door" "I want my house". Explanations were futile. I handed Mum over to a carer who was offering her a cup of tea and left rather quickly.

I think I am going to stick with "we are popping in here for a cup of tea" then leave.
It's sad, but sometimes to avoid distress (theirs and yours) it's necessary to lie.

I'm finding it all a learning curve and sometimes a steep one.

[PurpleJay]

I would be wary of going out tbh. See how your Dad reacts when you get there. I wouldn't take mum out and refused to take her on hospital appointments thinking that if I took her, she would expect to go home after and would pitch a fit if I took her back to the c/h! As it was, the home took her on the mini bus to a dental appointment with an escort within a month of her going there and she refused to get back on the bus and was shouting and screaming. The dental practice rang me but didn't say it was urgent just leaving a message to phone about her treatment - when I rang the following day they said it had upset all the staff and I just thought 'welcome to my world'. I have attended with her since when she was very sleepy and more poorly and at that point I don't think she knew we had been. She is more 'active' again now and although calmer, I would still be wary of taking her out. We went at christmas and attended a function with her in the other building and she just kept saying 'I don't like it, I don't like it, I don't like it' and wanted to go back to the familiar surroundings. She doesn't cope with being away from the familiar but luckily, the c/h is now familiar and she seems to feel safe and cared for. She tends to get agitated when left on her own but is mostly fine with the staff.

I hope this doesn't sound to negative. This is just my experience and I know some people regularly take their relatives out without to much trouble. Do let us know how your visit goes.

Jane x