I am not a new member but had great help three years ago when my poor mom had dementia (now passed) that I thought I could ask for help again. Have forgotten original log in so I am an "old newbie"
My Dad 86 was just diagnosed with A.D, and, like many people on here I knew he had it, mainly from very severe sun downing, but on many visits to GP I was met with a smile and an assurance he did not have Dementia as he asked him two memory questions and Dad got them right!
Anyway things had also gone horribly wrong in the 6 months leading up to the diagnosis, mainly from the way Dad has been living.I would be here all day if I went into it all but house is terribly filthy, covered in excrement, maggots in fridge,carpets filthy with all manner of things and personal hygiene terrible and on-off double incontinence. Has a "friend" to clean one hour a week who is not the best to say the least!
I am unofficial carer and up till 6 months ago was keeping on top of a lot of it but I have a disability on my back and I had to have an operation so have had to withdrawn somewhat. Still do all docs, hospital appointments, shopping and washing and ironing.
Anyway I tried my best to get Dad carers in and eventually the Social services came round and offered a care package. He listened to it all then said " no way, goodbye" Things were then taken out of my hands and Dad admitted to hospital after fall, kept in 6 weeks, mobility bad, the on off incontinence, much confusion and wandering that I asked for full MMSE. They did better than that, did a brain scan and identified Alzhimers changes on old Infract (whatever that means) So, a care package was arranged for dads discharge, 6 weeks social services enablement package. I was so,so,impressed as to what they were going to do-all cooking, tidying up, mopping, shower him, all medications taken care of,I felt so much stress was going off my head and Dad was going to be clean, fed, house tidy etc.
So, Here we are 10 days in and whats happened? from hour one he has refused their help, wont let them dress him, he does not shower,puts filthy smelling of urine clothes on. He will let them make him food and tidy up, like they are some maid service. They changed to a man( in case of embarrassment issues) but still the same. He also now keeps leaving the gas on with frying pans on it and they have called two emergency meetings to talk to him and explain he has to accept help and they cant be there just to do domestic duties and do him a bacon sandwich. He is being most, most rude and nasty and has basically told them to get stuffed. Friday 23rd march was last meeting with boss of carers and two high ranking social workers telling him he has to comply or they are withdrawing. He does understand and told them to get lost too! he wont wear his incontinent pads and they are going in having to deal with all that mess. I took him shopping last week, was filthy and smelt of urine, we never row,I am very soft and unassertive (a doormat maybe?) but I had to tell him I wont take him out like that again, he said mind your own business and added he didn't give a monkeys about how he looked.
I have edited my post, forgot to add has already spent 12 hours overnight on floor,since been discharged following fall, paramedics called in morning but deemed OK I keep trying to tell anyone that will listen this will end in disaster, a fall downstairs or set place on fire-all I keep hearing is "capacity,capacity,capacity "and he is allowed to make "unwise decisions"
Up to date, the carers boss and the social worker have rang today and said they are making plans to withdraw, saying he has much capacity and they cant force him. I am so upset and angry at dad, he says they cant force him to have a wash! Its all going to fall back into my lap,the way he lives and the mess in indescribable and all credit to them for doing above and beyond the last 10 days to keep it nice. Today the "help the aged" did a deep clean and even he said the machines are finding it hard to cope with all dried in pooh and rubbish on floor. It will be back to square one in a couple of days!
What can I do? I feel I have to withdraw myself now, still see Dad and still do what I do now but not go in the house when the carers are out of the picture( how can I let him wallow in pooh and live like it though?), my health (including mental health) is suffering, as is my relationship with my fiance and my children. I feel I eat, live and breathe Dad and I am at wits end now. He always said he wont pay any of his attendance allowance after the 6 weeks to private carers as "why should he" So I suppose this was all going to end then anyway to be honest.Also he is not a poor struggling pensioner, has 20k in bank.
Sorry if I have gone on, just feel I worked SO hard to get dads standard of living good and its all going belly up! By the way he scored 22/30 on test so does have very decent capacity.
Thanks for any help/advice in advance