When presents cause distress!

[Clementine]

I am just really reflecting on our "Mothers Day" visit and having caused Mum great distress with our "Mothers day" presents.

If somebody would have told us one year ago, that in a year's time Mum (91) would not recognize a perfume bottle and a make up bag and would no longer love Thorntons Chocolates we would have been shocked, now we are getting used to it, her vacant look, her anxieties, her no longer recognising us. Life is so cruel.

But we also had a laugh, when I showed her various photographs of the family and one of me she said horrified: "Do I really look that bad now".

[Butter]

oh yes .... I picked daffodils from my mother's beloved rural idyll and took them to the secure psychiatric assessment unit where she was really very ill. The distress was terrible. I don't think I could have done anything crueller. Nothing could have been further from where she was. That was two years ago now and she has not sat out under the sky since. I wish she had died when she was last out in the country - which is over three years ago.

[Witzend]

I am just really reflecting on our "Mothers Day" visit and having caused Mum great distress with our "Mothers day" presents.

If somebody would have told us one year ago, that in a year's time Mum (91) would not recognize a perfume bottle and a make up bag and would no longer love Thorntons Chocolates we would have been shocked, now we are getting used to it, her vacant look, her anxieties, her no longer recognising us. Life is so cruel.

But we also had a laugh, when I showed her various photographs of the family and one of me she said horrified: "Do I really look that bad now".

For the first time this year I didn't go to see my mother on Mother's Day. If we hadn't had urgent things to do elsewhere I probably would have, but I know for sure that a) she wouldn't be remotely aware, and b) no longer appreciates flowers, cards, etc.
I will go as usual during the week and take her some fudge or something - she can still just about enjoy that.
It'll be the same on her birthday (94 in June) - she won't have a clue and probably won't be bothered to open any presents but we'll make a thing of it anyway. I don't mind saying I was really upset on her last birthday - my sister had gone so much trouble to knit her a cardigan that had pockets (essential), could go in the tumble dryer (also essential) and was a really lovely style, too.
She barely even looked at it. However much you tell yourself they can't help it, it still hurts, particularly when it's someone else you're close to.
Luckily my sister wasn't there at the time.

[chucky]

Clementine thats priceless!!! Who better to insult you than your own mum lol. My mother comes out with good ones too. I told her one day i'd be taking my self to the nearest bridge and jump off it. Quick as a flash she answered "dont do that you will cause a tidal wave!! I think that was her nice way to tell me ive put on weight! You got to love them.

[SWMBO1950]

I did not visit my mother on Mothers Day this year either. I bought a card & some lovely flowers and gave them to her the day before. They look lovely on her sideboard. In her case she was very happy to receive them but the relevance was lost upon her.

I arranged for the carers to give her lunch and prepare her tea (they would visit twice on any given day anyway so they just took over my visit for the day) as my son was staying for a couple of nights (bliss) and I wanted to spend time with him. Usually I am there every day and I knew she was in good hands so I had a day off which I was advised to do a little while ago by some TPs as I was really stressed - it works!!

My son popped in to see her whilst here (he lives in London) and felt she looked very well. She did the usual - asked the same questions repeatedly - but was otherwise perfectly fine. Her favourite question is 'do you cook for yourself'. He manages to answer this in an amazing number of different ways!!

More than anything the loss of the meaning of life I think is worse than anything I personally have experienced with her as there seems very little for her to enjoy or get excited about.

[Clementine]

Thank you for sharing your experience with me.
This is a great forum and meeting people in the same circumstance helps so much.