Why do I feel so bad?

[jill edwards]

Dad passed away on the 24th and I've been rushing around making arrangements ever since but for the last two weeks I've felt really poorly I don't know if it's just a come down I've been signed off at the doctor's but I have really bad back ache and stomach cramps. I felt tired but OK when dad was in the hospital but feel really bad now and there is still so much to do. The funeral is on Monday I just hope I can make it has anyone else suffered this type of reaction and how did you deal with it.Should I get back to work and get on with things? Any advice would be grateful.

[TriciaD]

Yes Jill, I have been the same since Mum died in January, think it's the shock. Also feel very cold all the time.

[CaPattinson]

Hello Jill, I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. Its barely a week since you lost your dad. I understand what you are going through, just about 4 months since I lost mine. I believe that so much emotional upset affects us physically too, it must do!

Can you delegate some of the arrangements to a family member, perhaps, cos it sounds like you need a break.

Go to work and get on with it? Who says that because I have been advised by other TPers in the same situation that we all grieve differently. My bro dealt with it by keeping very busy, arranging everything - dads affairs, clearing the bungalow and other stuff. I crumpled, couldn't get involved with that but had imput about th funeral arrangements. Very important IMO.

I think you will make it till Monday, I am sure you will. Step back if you can, ask other close relatives to share the load.

Go back to work if you and only you feel like it. Don't go back if you need more time, its is your decision, only your decision.

I wish you well, Jill, take care of yourself. xxx

[LauraKx]

Aw Jill, I send my sincere condolences on the passing of your father. It must be so difficult. I'm not to sure what to say, But remember that we are all here. Maybe a good thing to take the few days of work to unwind a little bit and to have some 'you' time. I hope you find the answer you are looking for.

All the best & my thoughts are with you

LauraK xxx

[Glamour Puss]

I lost my father in 1995 after he had many illnesses.

I cried for six months and was treted for depression.

Whenever I hear a funeral service, the bit that gives hope is the resurrection, because we will all meet again one day , free of these terrible illnesses and pain.

Peace and blesssings

XXX

[jill edwards]

Thanks for your help and support I'm feeling very down tonight and your words are helping me as I am an only child I feel a terrible responsibility for getting things right and don't think I can do it

[Helen33]

Hi Jill,

I do think that things can be particularly difficult for only children because nothing is diluted as it can be with siblings. If it helps, try to use Talking Point to work through what you want to achieve for the funeral. TP buddies were more helpful to me than any of my siblings. I am sure you can do it.

Love

[jill edwards]

Dad had a funeral bond after mom passed away five years ago so had chosen hymns etc I just want it to go well I must have forgotten so many things my husband is feeling the strain as he had a nervous breakdown three years ago and just shuts down or goes to bed if he can't cope he can't understand that if there are things that need doing I need to do it. His intentions are good but I'm getting very frustrated at the moment and want to scream at him but that will be counter productive so being at home isn't easy at the moment and I can't face going back to school feel angry and upset and confused so many emotions just need to get things off my chest sorry

[Helen33]

Dear Jill,

It sounds as if you must be under such a lot of stress. You do sound like a very capable, organised kind of woman so I suspect the funeral will be just as you need it to be. After the funeral, do you think that you and hubby might benefit from a break away together?

Love

[jill edwards]

We are going to try and have a break after the funeral and then start our lives again but I even feel guilty about that because for the last little while I wouldn't go too far because of dad. My husband has been quite patient apart from one instance where he got quite angry about me putting dad first the trouble is I've put him top of the list when he was having his breakdown. Maybe it's just tiredness but I don't know. Only know I feel really bad and not looking forward to going back to school and the stress that will bring. Thanks for your support and advice I really appreciate it.

[jill edwards]

I've felt really bad today. I've returned dads equipment like walking frames etc I've checked the order of service I've phoned the insurance and I've argued with. You husband I know it will get better but at the moment I really just want to tell someone that I feel really low. My aunt went to see dad at th en funeral directors and she was really upset that made me feel bad cause I couldn't go and see him now I feel guilty I know I'm feeling sorry for myself and I shouldn't because many of you are much worse off than me I'm sorry and I think you are much stronger than me. But I have no one to tell or share how I feel and it helps me to say this sonthanks for the opportunity keep going you will get through it

[Margaret W]

Oh Jill, I wish I could help.

You can always talk to us. Share anything you like. My husband and I are both only children, so we have sadly had 4 funerals to arrange without help from anyone. In many ways it is easier without a sibling insisting one something you don't want.

Things like returning equipment can be done later. Same with sorting out finances, insurance, bank accounts and the DWP. Next week or next month. Or even longer.

Sounds like the funeral is organised. You don't have to feel responsible for how your aunt felt at visiting your dad in the funeral parlour. You are really only responsible for yourself. Lots of people don't visit the deceased in the parlour, so if it wasn't possible for you, do not worry. It isn't always a nice experience anyway.

When is the funeral? We will all be thinking of you. Do not worry if there are any hiccups, the funeral directors will sort it all, that is what they are paid for doing. My mum's funeral had a hiccup cos it suddenly snowed overnight and the hearse couldn't get to her house to set off from there, and we all had to don wellies and walk down the road to our abandoned cars. But it didn't matter. Mum didn't care.

At the wake afterwards people said all sorts of lovely things about mum. There were a few people that I didn't know knew her, so that was nice to talk to them.

Take your time. Nothing will go wrong that can't be fixed.

You will give your dad a respectable funeral, and that is all that matters.

Take a few deep breaths, and a glass of something potent, and pat yourself on the back for doing such a good job.

Much love

Margaret

[FifiMo]

Jill,

I am not surprised that you are feeling bad with all the stress you are under right now. I can understand that, as you do everything that needs doing, that you'd like someone to at least acknowledge that you too are feeling bad about your dad. Unfortunately people very often become lost in their own grief or their own stress such that they go into take mode and not give mode. It does look like everyone is looking to you as being the one who is coping and the one to whom they can look to for support. Maybe that is where TP can come in and we can be the ones who support you through this and give you the ability to come here and express how you are feeling. You will get a lot of understanding here from many people who have been in similar situations as you find yourself in now. Although nothing is exactly the same i am sure there will be similarities that we can all share.

What you are achieving is remarkable. You are thinking of all the things that need attending to and are certainly more organised than I would ever be that's for sure. However, please take time for yourself and don't rush to do things that don't need to be done immediately. Make a list of what you need to do during that day and keep to that. In our house the bathroom was always the place of sanctuary - long hot bath (only thing that got me out of there was when the hot water ran out!), some music, and a refusal to budge until i was ready.

Take Care

Fiona

[jill edwards]

Isn't it strange how I feel so alone a couple of people from work have text me I've had afew cards but only one person has called round I feel so alone and I know I have my husband but some days he can't cope and closes down going to bed ishis way of dealing with stress which sometimes makes me angry. He can't see things need doing ah well maybe it's taught me a lesson that's why you are so valuable to me as at least I can express my feelings on here and I know you understand. I only hope my words of support to others have been as helpful to them as yours are to me. Thank you for helping me to get through. just heard beth Nielson Chapman I find your love in everything. If you have never heard it check it out it is one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard but I cry every time I hear it!!!!