I lost Mum last September and afterwards was the whirlwind of the funeral followed by the whirlwind of selling a caravan as part of splitting assets with my ex and then was the whirlwind of losing perhaps my closest friend who saw us as more than friends. That also created more problems over a holiday with another freind who wouldn't fill his place on an add-on part to that trip. Then was my birthday, then Christmas. Then I lost my mother-in-law (albeit not on paper) end of January and we buried her in Feb. Since then, I have found I hadn't touched MY life for well over a year properly and have this last month or so started to scratch the surface of a big pile of stuff. I've really neglected my affairs and also my filing of stuff important to me at the sentimental level.
That's the background to where I got to tonight when I was clearing through cards from years back and within them were tender messages from Mum. Then 'Patience' (Take That) started and that was it ... heap of tears!! I know that is good for me to grieve when it comes along but it has been a sad evening for me so I just wanted to share it.
I have still to sort through the pile that has all the funeral memoirs. On the top of that pile is a lovely white feather butterfly with silver glitter and diamanté beads. It was sat in our flowers that lay over Mum for those first few days that she lay in the ground. It is a link for me with her world now. It is precious. I looked at that pile and am hoping I can go through it this next weekend but it feels still a deep task. And I still feel the need to write to the care home about the appalling treatment over her last year there and the horrendous bad management that was responsible for it. Haven't felt strong enough to do that but I think I am ready to make a start on it now. I have to do it even though it is almost 7months after Mum died. It's my voice for her and for her friends that are still there.
I am wondering if, for me, I am now getting to a place where my life is lighter than it has been for a long, long time and I am somehow finding freedom and space which is then being invaded with grief and emotions from losses of the past year with loss of Mum obviously the most prominent.
A special lady;
I still can smile through the pain of loss and that's a wonderful thing. She always said that 'you have to embrace the situation and carry on' and I live by that as well as 'if it feels right for me, I do it and if it doesn't, I don't'. These two simple rules have really impacted on my life this past few years and I have found myself more grounded and stronger in managing me and my life. Its good and the grief is also OK because its a brief moment in today's life where I am reminded of my love for her and her immensely unconditional love for me. The depth of grief is the strength of our bond and the only way at the moment that it can be sincerely expressed. I know in time, I will find more smiles than I do now and more comfort and happiness from all my memories of our times together. For now, my grief is my love
Anyway, I am now resting and getting warm before heading for bed. No need to reply to me. I just wanted to share my experience and ... to be honest ... I don't even know why. Guess my experience might help someone else understand that they are doing OK too.
Thanks for reading