Well here I am sitting on the settee in the lounge, having catnapped, mostly what I seem to do these days, but still I shouldnt moan, I am in a better state than dad....................... last night he wouldnt go to bed until sometime between 1.30 and 2.30 and I know why, only because he is my dad and I know him well ..................... he is waiting for my mum, looking for her, watching out, hands reach out to her when she walks into the room and he sees her, his eyes dance and he holds her hand all the time.
They have been married for 64 years, but on their wedding anniversary 3rd Jan, we arranged to have a special meal with dad, along comes the day, but of course he has no perception of the significance of the date, something which I still sometimes forget, and he refuses to sit and eat with mum and I, so we sit within his eyesight, I can see on mums face that every mouthful is painful, dad is glaring at us, thinking we want to poison him. But it doesnt end there, despite writing him messages on a white board, he is so deaf having lost one ear to cancer, he isnt going to read them, and he shouts and accuses us of staying out all night, of me having lots of different men in his house (I wish), and I look at my mums face and I have to get her out.
We leave amongst his rantings and the staff say its ok dont worry we will keep an eye on him, which in some ways makes me feel even more guilty, leaving him there with someone else comforting him, when I should be able to do it.
Mum and I are driving home, and I look accross at her and see the tears running down her cheeks, trying desperately to hold them back, but I know she cant, so as I pull into a layby she crumples like a crushed dried leaf underfoot. What can I say to her, how can I comfort this woman, married devotedly to a man for 64 years, never, apart from his National Service, been separated and now he is gone from their home and gone from her arms at night.