you are not alone x 2

[jussiejus]

Well here I am sitting on the settee in the lounge, having catnapped, mostly what I seem to do these days, but still I shouldnt moan, I am in a better state than dad....................... last night he wouldnt go to bed until sometime between 1.30 and 2.30 and I know why, only because he is my dad and I know him well ..................... he is waiting for my mum, looking for her, watching out, hands reach out to her when she walks into the room and he sees her, his eyes dance and he holds her hand all the time.

They have been married for 64 years, but on their wedding anniversary 3rd Jan, we arranged to have a special meal with dad, along comes the day, but of course he has no perception of the significance of the date, something which I still sometimes forget, and he refuses to sit and eat with mum and I, so we sit within his eyesight, I can see on mums face that every mouthful is painful, dad is glaring at us, thinking we want to poison him. But it doesnt end there, despite writing him messages on a white board, he is so deaf having lost one ear to cancer, he isnt going to read them, and he shouts and accuses us of staying out all night, of me having lots of different men in his house (I wish), and I look at my mums face and I have to get her out.

We leave amongst his rantings and the staff say its ok dont worry we will keep an eye on him, which in some ways makes me feel even more guilty, leaving him there with someone else comforting him, when I should be able to do it.

Mum and I are driving home, and I look accross at her and see the tears running down her cheeks, trying desperately to hold them back, but I know she cant, so as I pull into a layby she crumples like a crushed dried leaf underfoot. What can I say to her, how can I comfort this woman, married devotedly to a man for 64 years, never, apart from his National Service, been separated and now he is gone from their home and gone from her arms at night.

[Chemmy]

You can be there for her and allow her to grieve - for that's what's she doing as surely as if he had passed away.

You can't do much to help your dad but you can help your mum. You won't be able to take her pain away so don't beat yourself up over that. But comfort her, listen to her and do things with/for her that bring her happiness, even if just for a moment. Don't let her think her life is over - give her some reasons to get up in the morning.

Take care.

[Butter]

Your mum is so lucky to have you with her, you know. Just to share her pain and be with her. I wish I could cry like that on my son - it must help her so much.

[lin1]

Sending you my love
As I read your post it brought tears

It was my mum that had this vile disease ,that was hard enough but at least I could look after her , seeing what it was doing to my dad was even harder.

You feel so helpless , but in truth your not , though different you are sharing your mums journey (the long goodbye ) you are there for your mum and she just like my dad knows this
Xxx