I don't want to lose my mind

[Magsie]

I knew this moment would come ... my mother (81, diagnosed with AD last summer and currently on 10mg of Aricept) lives next door to me and has spent the day here, having coffee, lunch and watching Morse (which somehow she manages to follow much better than me!). She went home at about 4pm to ring a friend and at 8pm I got a phone call - "I was just ringing to see if Grandma's OK" - Grandma (her mother) died in 1987. When I said "sorry, I didn't catch that" she said "I was ringing to see if Grandma's OK - she was sitting on your sofa when I left".

Now I know you're really supposed to go along with these sort of comments but this is the first time she has mentioned Grandma still being alive and I rather panicked. Rather than continue the phone call I told her I'd be along and went to her house. She greeted me with "so is she OK?". I was concerned that if I said "yes" she would want to see her and that might complicate things even more so I tried to explain gently that Grandma was dead and that she hadn't been sitting on my sofa. Well, Mum just looked so confused, then there were tears, then some kind of recollection as I went through what we'd done today and then she said "I don't want to lose my mind".

It was heartbreaking. I know many of you have been through this and go through this on a regular basis but the first time it happens has been a horrible shock and I'm concerned I said the wrong thing. I think I'll have to come up with a plausible answer just in case it happens again - as Grandma lived with Mum for the last few years of her life (before getting Dementia herself) I don't think I could say that she'd gone home as I don't know where Mum would think "home" was and that might cause more problems than enough if she started looking for Grandma in her own home. I really don't want to be caught in a lie.

Any suggestions would be very gratefully received - it's hard to think when the blood is rushing to your brain and alarm bells are going off in your head!

Magsie

[jude50]

Magsie.

The first couple of times that Mum asked where he Mum was (she died in 1961) I did exactly the same and Mum looked confused and then upset as noone had told her but it just kept happening so now I usually tell her that it's just me and her in the house with the cats and then I just generally talk about things that Mum used to do with her Mum when she was younger and then i slip in 'shall we have a cup of tea' by this time it's forgotten about. so the only thing I can suggest really is a gentle distraction. Hope it helps

Jude

[Magsie]

Thanks Jude - I think you're right - trying to distract her onto something else really does seem to be the best way of dealing with this. I suspect it's going to happen more and more now so will try to come up with something to take her mind off it.

[Onlyme]

Mum does a strange mix of things. She will ask how her Mum is, say that she knows she is dead but would still like to know how she is. It does slightly confuse me but I think she thinks I am also her Mum so one Mum (her real one) has gone but her other Mum (me) is here.

I tiptoe around the conversation until I am sure which Mum she means.

[Grommit]

Just to back up what the other posters have said Magsie, distraction and diversion have seemed to work best for me.

Both my Mother and my wife have dementia. Unfortunately my wife can no longer communicate but in the earlier years, distraction worked very well.

My Mother thinks that I am her brother (the one that died 5 years ago) and keeps asking about my (her other) brother (the one that died 30 years ago). It all gets very complicated sometimes but diversion works again.

It used to get me down trying to remember what I said and when, after all, parents always teach their kids to be truthful don't they. The thing I have in the back of my mind now is that it is not my Mother asking the questions but the little girl she once was (90+ years ago).

[Witzend]

I knew this moment would come ... my mother (81, diagnosed with AD last summer and currently on 10mg of Aricept) lives next door to me and has spent the day here, having coffee, lunch and watching Morse (which somehow she manages to follow much better than me!). She went home at about 4pm to ring a friend and at 8pm I got a phone call - "I was just ringing to see if Grandma's OK" - Grandma (her mother) died in 1987. When I said "sorry, I didn't catch that" she said "I was ringing to see if Grandma's OK - she was sitting on your sofa when I left".

Now I know you're really supposed to go along with these sort of comments but this is the first time she has mentioned Grandma still being alive and I rather panicked. Rather than continue the phone call I told her I'd be along and went to her house. She greeted me with "so is she OK?". I was concerned that if I said "yes" she would want to see her and that might complicate things even more so I tried to explain gently that Grandma was dead and that she hadn't been sitting on my sofa. Well, Mum just looked so confused, then there were tears, then some kind of recollection as I went through what we'd done today and then she said "I don't want to lose my mind".

It was heartbreaking. I know many of you have been through this and go through this on a regular basis but the first time it happens has been a horrible shock and I'm concerned I said the wrong thing. I think I'll have to come up with a plausible answer just in case it happens again - as Grandma lived with Mum for the last few years of her life (before getting Dementia herself) I don't think I could say that she'd gone home as I don't know where Mum would think "home" was and that might cause more problems than enough if she started looking for Grandma in her own home. I really don't want to be caught in a lie.

Any suggestions would be very gratefully received - it's hard to think when the blood is rushing to your brain and alarm bells are going off in your head!

Magsie

Honestly, Magsie, I'd just go along with it - saves upsetting them. I doubt very much that you'll get 'found out'. You resort to the good old little white lies: 'Oh, Grandma's gone home now, but I'll give her a ring later,' etc. I do this a lot with my mother, who's always asking about her parents lately. I'm always going to ring them later on and ask when they'd like her to go and see them, etc. Anything to keep her happy for the moment.

Ten to one your mum won't remember anything you've said after a very short while, so she's not going to come back and accuse you of lying to her. That's the one advantage of Alz. - because they forget everything so quickly you can use the same upset-avoiding fib over and over. Well, I do, anyway, and after years of it I've never been 'found out' yet.

[hollycat]

Love the comments above from Witzend about same small fibs over and over again and mum forgets......same here.

As logical/caring humans there is ALWAYS going to be a question that catches us all out and wish I had a pound for everytime I have been in a similar position.

Like anything, it takes practice and fibbing, bending the truth, diversion.....call it what you will DOES take practice. Then the patient comes along with a BOLT from the blue and hey presto, we press out logic button and answer in a logical manner.

I am not joking when I say my hubby gets me to watch question time, prime ministers questions and any other political show; he thinks I need to learn:

1. How to NOT answer questions

2. How to talk a load of bo******ks

Believe me when I say that actually watching them NOT answer question actually works.

[chucky]

My dad talks always asks if his mum is coming to visit, i just say im not sure maybe tomorrow as she is busy at work. His dad "visits" all the time, in actuallity its his own reflection in a mirror he thinks is his dad and talks away to him quite the thing. I only ever told him once that they were dead and he was shocked and upset so i decided then when he asks for anyone who's dead, i just say not sure, it seems to placate him. I lost a brother over 20 years ago due to heartfailure and on the odd occasion he'll look around the room and ask who's missing im sure it must be the son he lost but thankfully doesnt remember dying. Again (a little white lie) no we're all here. I found bending the truth slightly avoids the heartache of hearing someone has passed away.

[Butter]

Yesterday my mum asked me how I thought her Daddy was getting on - her Daddy has been dead since 1967. I said I was sure he was getting on fine.

[Onlyme]

Its so cruel to have to watch them go through this and very upsetting for those of us that have to make up half- truth to help them cope.

[Canadian Joanne]

My mother used to ask about her parents all the time and want to know how they were. I would answer "Fine - same as always", which would satisfy her and wasn't quite a lie as they both died in 1970 and had been the same for years. She would also ask where they were and I would truthfully give her the name of the town the cemetery is in. When she would say "I want to go visit" I would agree and say "Let's go the day after tomorrow as I have things to do first". That was enough to reassure her for a little while. Heartbreaking though.

[Witzend]

My mother used to ask about her parents all the time and want to know how they were. I would answer "Fine - same as always", which would satisfy her and wasn't quite a lie as they both died in 1970 and had been the same for years. She would also ask where they were and I would truthfully give her the name of the town the cemetery is in. When she would say "I want to go visit" I would agree and say "Let's go the day after tomorrow as I have things to do first". That was enough to reassure her for a little while. Heartbreaking though.

Just in case it might make anyone feel better, here are some of the fibs I use all the time:

I can't take you just now, I have to go and pick dh up from the airport. Maybe tomorrow?

Ditto the station.

I can't take you just now, there's been a bad accident and the road's closed.

Ditto but the traffic's dreadful today, I think it's half term, let's leave it for tomorrow.

I've just got to nip to the shops/dry cleaners before they close, but I'll be back later.

I've got to go home and get the dinner on for dh, but I'll be back later.

I can't take you today, the car's making a funny noise and I need to take it to the garage in half an hour - oops, is that the time?

And I don't feel guilty about any of them - not any more.