Mum has finally agreed to us employing a full time carer

[RosEpping]

Mum has deteriorated tremendously lately but refuses to to to day care more than once a week and will only have a part time carer for three hours one day a week. My partner and I live at the house with mum and dad and we have tried to explain to dad that NOBODY with dementia agrees willingly to these things at first. However he has never been able to stand up to her and just can't do so now. We are really struggling with mum's care. However she does love the Philipina full time carers three of her friends have and I wondered if anyone could suggest how I go about finding someone suitable. Her friends all advertised privately but I wondered if this is advisable. Any advice would be gratefully accepted. Thanks Ros

[SWMBO1950]

not take to having carers but I insisted and we eventually got there and she accepts them with no problem now.

I have often seen locally adverts requesting private carers, but do no know anyone who has gone down that route.

The fact that you live in the same house is something I would say safeguards the position but I have freinds who work at senior positions for the local Mental Health Trust also in Essex (I am ex NHS) and will contact them and see if they have any ideas or suggestions.

Others may have experience but I will get back to you.

Best Wishes

Mum has deteriorated tremendously lately but refuses to to to day care more than once a week and will only have a part time carer for three hours one day a week. My partner and I live at the house with mum and dad and we have tried to explain to dad that NOBODY with dementia agrees willingly to these things at first. However he has never been able to stand up to her and just can't do so now. We are really struggling with mum's care. However she does love the Philipina full time carers three of her friends have and I wondered if anyone could suggest how I go about finding someone suitable. Her friends all advertised privately but I wondered if this is advisable. Any advice would be gratefully accepted. Thanks Ros

[RosEpping]

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm sitting here crying because its so wonderful to know how many helpful and kind people there are out there.
Part of our problem is not so much mum refusing to go to daycare or have a carer (my sisters and I know this is the norm). BUT dad cannot be strong with mum so when she insists she won't go to day care/have a part time carer he always just gives in and we really are all struggling.
Thanks again
Ros

not take to having carers but I insisted and we eventually got there and she accepts them with no problem now.

I have often seen locally adverts requesting private carers, but do no know anyone who has gone down that route.

The fact that you live in the same house is something I would say safeguards the position but I have freinds who work at senior positions for the local Mental Health Trust also in Essex (I am ex NHS) and will contact them and see if they have any ideas or suggestions.

Others may have experience but I will get back to you.

Best Wishes

[Jo1958]

Ros, hi
Just a thought but could your dad be lonely when your mum is away at Day Care and so he doesn't want her to go for himself. Would it be an idea for him to go too, as a helper maybe and see what goes on, or could you organise something special for him while she is away.

In the case of having a full time carer that could also be putting his nose out of joint and making him feel useless, a bit of diplomatic juggling of roles and responsibilites needed maybe.
With best wishes from Jo

[RosEpping]

Thanks for the reply Jo, but dad absolutely LOVES to be on his own (he also has a group of friends whom he meets for coffee or lunch whenever he can. He leaves the house at every opportunity (obviously as long as I am here or mum is at daycare), and when he is in the house he is upstairs on his computer - he really seems to want as little to do with mum as possible.

I do agree 100% with your suggestion of diplomacy (and little white lies) which is definitely needed, but I'm not sure how to deal with this situation.

Ros

Ros, hi
Just a thought but could your dad be lonely when your mum is away at Day Care and so he doesn't want her to go for himself. Would it be an idea for him to go too, as a helper maybe and see what goes on, or could you organise something special for him while she is away.

In the case of having a full time carer that could also be putting his nose out of joint and making him feel useless, a bit of diplomatic juggling of roles and responsibilites needed maybe.
With best wishes from Jo