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Thread: Loss

  1. #466
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Blog Entries
    I haven't felt up to posting,but do appreciate your posts.

    Hubby has a week off this week,and i thought i would feel less alone,i also thought seeing Sally and Helen would give me a boost.But i panicked and felt anxious.Sally,hubby and her girls are such a lovely family,i couldn't deal with seeing a happy family,because i don't feel happy.Helen is such a warm and giving person,and i want to give some warmth back,but there is nothing left in me.

    Hubby is out...again,job hunting,i am so scared we are going to lose everything,and the easiest way to deal with everything is to crawl under my duvet and cry.

    My son's girlfriend say's i have to take the blame for our breakdown in communication,but i can't,i have done nothing wrong,and have spent my whole life being blamed for something.

  2. #467
    Volunteer Moderator
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Blog Entries
    Oh Kassy - I don't know what to say as I know my words can't provide the comfort and support you need. x
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    Carer and Volunteer Moderator


    'The best things in life are nearest: Breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes, flowers at your feet, duties at your hand, the path of right just before you. Then do not grasp at the stars, but do life's plain, common work as it comes, certain that daily duties and daily bread are the sweetest things in life.'
    Robert Louis Stevenson

  3. #468
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Dear Kassy,

    Sorry you're so sad and anxious right now. I do understand what it feels like to see others happy when you feel so desperately unhappy yourself and to be blamed constantly.

    You may think you don't give anything back, but that's not true. When we get very down our thinking gets distorted. When you give a present to someone you don't give it so you get one back, it's nice if you do but that's not the reason for giving. Others want to give to you not because they want or expect anything back but because right now they are in a priveleged position where they are able to give. Learning to receive is a far more difficult process and harder for some because of what life has given them. I'm not sure if it's a process we can teach ourselves or one that just happens, some know how to receive because they've been given the right things at the right times in life, for others the process isn't so straightforward.

    Just because you're scared you are 'going to lose everything' doesn't mean that you will.

    Communication breakdown can never be blamed on one party but on difficulties of both parties to be able to understand one another. Right now your son and his girlfriend are unable to understand you or your suffering and no you can't take the blame as you've done nothing wrong - so stand firm in that but try and accept that they can't 'help' their lack of understanding rather than it being another attack on you.

    I wish you strength for today Kassy to find a small thing that will make you smile - allow yourself, if you can, despite your immense sadness.
    Sorry if I've waffled on.
    Thinking of you

  4. #469
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Brisbane Australia
    Blog Entries
    I am so sorry you are feeling so low. I understand and have been in that position. You don't feel you deserve love and comfort because of the blame being put on you.
    If the roles were reversed right at this moment and it was someone else on TP in your shoes you would be there giving, giving, giving to anyone that needs it. You don't have to give ANYTHING right now you just have to let us support you in whatever way you feel you can accept. No one is going to turn away from you, we will all be there for you whenever you feel able to accept help, hugs, smiles, cuppas, or large boxes of chocolates if that would help
    Post when you can, but always remember someone is here any time of the day or night. You will never be alone
    missing what has gone and scared of what is to come

  5. #470
    I'm so sorry you didn't feel up to seeing us today.

    I wish I could help.
    Love Sal xx

    Carer to Grandad until he passed away 1st January 2014

  6. #471
    Kassy, my love, hugs and understanding. I'm here if you want me.
    Jan xx
    “The solution to all the problems of daily life is to cherish others" GK Gyatso

  7. #472
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Near Southampton
    Blog Entries
    I'm sending you love and all the positivity I can muster up, Kassy. So sorry you are feeling so low. Don't take what your son's girlfriend has to say to heart - she is only hearing your son't take on things which, let's face it, it hardly unbiased. Also, he is living with her parents now isn't he, so is trying to create a good impression there too I expect, so is hardly likely to admit to selfish feelings.

    love and hugs XXX

  8. #473
    Dear Karen,

    I'm so sorry you're feeling this low. I do understand. The timing maybe isn't right for visits this week, but on the other hand some TLC from people who really care about you might have been a real tonic. I understand the risk may seem to high for you though.

    I hope some better news comes your way soon. Please don't give much time and attention to your son and his girlfriend right now. Put that on the back burner, because you can address that all when you're in a better position. To ask anything of you right now is inappropriate, but it's maybe a sign of how little they understand. Perhaps that's not their fault, and certainly not yours, just messy human nature. But none of that needs sorting right here and now, and by worrying it is halting any possible progress for you. Back burner...just for now, my sweet.

    The weather is on the up. Perhaps hubby's luck will change with the job. Anything can happen, and sometimes it can be good. When Sally and Helen get to see you, you will soak up the feeling of what it's like to be special. Because that's what you are, xxx
    Annie x x


  9. #474
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Dear Kassy,
    I am so sorry you are feeling so low. As for your son's girlfriend saying you should take the blame how does that solve anything? She should be looking for a way forward to forge a more compassionate and loving relationship between you and I cannot see how this can be pushed forward by any of you taking the blame. Perhaps because of her youth and her parents not having money worries she has not yet experienced the kind of pain you are going through but as a human being she must realise how difficult things are for you. You are one of life's givers Kassy but unfortunately there are many others who do not have your generosity of spirit.
    with love,

  10. #475
    Dear Kassy,

    If you wait until you are well (able to give as you used to) you will become a total hermit

    I don't know whether you realise that you are doing the same thing as your son?! You are saying "I can't see people until I am better". This is what he has been saying to you and you know how you feel about that. It is like you are agreeing with him somehow. You can only be 'who' and 'what' you are at this particular moment in time. If you wait until you are what and who you want to be ideally, you might be waiting a very long time.

    I don't know how this might come across in the typed word but I know that I have my mind, heart and spirit open in warmth towards you and it is not a criticism of any kind. Just observational possibilities. I don't mind being wrong

    Love and a (HUG)
    Last edited by Helen33; 05-04-2012 at 03:33 PM.
    Wife and Carer

  11. #476
    Thinking of you kassy love larivy
    Life has taught me that respect,caring and love must be shared for its only through sharing that friendships are born

  12. #477
    Dear Karen, I understand what it is like not to be up to seeing anyone. I know it's not the same, but when I was on chemo I wasn't up to seeing people sometimes. Just wasn't strong enough somehow, emotionally, so I used to text them and put them off coming to see me. Sometimes I didn't even want to see my specialist nurse!
    I still have moments like that now. I do understand. Don't think it's just you. Seeing people takes strength. Sometimes you don't have the strength. True friends will always understand. I'm sure Sally and Helen don't mind. They just want to help if they can.
    I had a friend who was on chemo and her friend said shall I come over? My friend said, I can't speak to you, I feel too ill. The friend said fine, I'll just sit with you then, and she did. I would like to just sit with you if I could. Just to be there with you. Sorry I am so far away.
    Sending you a big hug xxxx

    Prayer of the Breton fishermen: “Dear God, be good to me. The sea is so wide, and my boat is so small.”

  13. #478
    They just want to help if they can.
    Actually my purpose is not to help. I realise that I cannot help. I was going because it is what Kassie wanted but it was never to go to help. It was just to go and 'be' with. Two people sharing space together for a little while.

    Wife and Carer

  14. #479
    That is the sign of a close friendship if you can let someone be with you even when you feel spent and low. I find that quite hard myself as I suppose I find it hard - I just tend to want to be on my own when I feel low. Other times I feel I really have to talk it out. I knew that is what you would do Helen. I am sure Kassy when you are ready again we will all be there for you. It's your turn to take what you need. X

    Prayer of the Breton fishermen: “Dear God, be good to me. The sea is so wide, and my boat is so small.”

  15. #480
    I find that quite hard myself as I suppose I find it hard - I just tend to want to be on my own when I feel low.
    Me too Pied. I would only let special, safe people witness me in my vulnerable state. Strangers I wouldn't dare take the risk with I wouldn't expect anything else from anyone else. Freedom of choice is what is important to me. Something that my poor Alan couldn't cope with. I had to change all my personal philosophy to give him what he needed - the safety of not having to make the choices!! I am glad to be able to get back to my own personal beliefs now with more adaptability on my part.

    Wife and Carer




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