Loss

[Authona]

'its only me that can change it,but i don't know how.'

OK so you acknowledge that only you can change it and that is an absolutely great place to start ... with your self

So, tell me, what do you think made you feel anxious when you were out today and what made you feel so glad to get that key back in the door?

I feel for you today Kassy because you have done something so much of an acheivement that has been overwhelmed by an absolute fear but I am wondering what that fear actually is ... ?

Ax

[Saffie]

Hi Kassy. Glad to hear you made it to the outside today. So, you were glad to get home BUT you did actually get out. That is a great achievement. What about taking your camera with you next time - you take beautiful pictures. ust 5 minutes each way would do it, as Sylvia says.
Thinking of you and sending love as ever. XXX

[Helen33]

Dear Kassy,

You said you "are trying so hard to be normal but you can't". You are normal but you are ill and it isn't your fault that you are ill. You wouldn't blame anyone else if they were ill would you?

http://www.nopanic.org.uk/page16.html

Have a look at this. I have known someone receive enormous help from No Panic. This person had severe difficulty getting out and found that with telephone or online support she was able to make some headway. Whoooops, this is the wrong link. However if you google No Panic support groups you will find what it is about and whether it might be suitable help for you. Sometimes we need help. Sometimes people can't just will themselves to be better.

Love

[Authona]

Great post Helen. Absolutely right, if we are ill, we do sometimes need a little help to find our way to starting to get better but Kassy, you are normal ... what you write is normal for the circumstances you always describe. And your reactions are normal for all that you are surviving.

However, try to see what you did today as a step forward because that is exactly what it is. I've never heard of 'No panic' but no harm in looking.

And, as I asked ... what is it that you fear when you go out ... ? What are you fearing Kassy ... ? Can you say? Do you know?

Ax

[kassy]

I fear rejection,people and life.

[Authona]

I fear rejection,people and life.

OK, is the fear that people in life who you come across, even someone walking by in the street, will find you rejectionable just by seeing you there ... ?

I am not being funny asking this. I am just trying to understand what reason(s) you feel you give them by being outside in their presence that would cause them to actually reject you?

I'm off home now but i will check in later. By the way, I think you can do this you know with a bit of work looking at what's going on for you. I really, really do believe you can do this. I think you're a real survivor ... I really do and that's genuine ... not trying to butter you up or make you feel better or anything like that. This is what i actually think and feel and sense. Within the cards life has dealt you, I really see a true survivor and sense still of surviving. And this is making me smile as I end this post

Ax

[florence43]

Dearest Karen,

I think Authona has worded this very well. You are a survivor.

Being ill now doesn't take that away from you, so don't give up trying to survive because there's something stronger inside that made you go out today.

The idea of taking a phone with you may work well. Can you ring someone you trust who will talk you through as you walk? Your husband? One of us? I know my friend's daughter couldn't go out alone right now. She has been told by her GP and psychiatrist to only go with her mum, or a trusted friend, in order to build up to going alone someday. I takes much time to find that courage.

And the camera? I do wonder if that would work? It's a reason, a distraction and a hobby. It's free, it's private and it's something people do....so why not take it the next time you have the courage to go out, maybe start taking pictures of wildlife in your garden. Post the pictures on here, like a journal, then build it up every time you go further. It gives your walk a purpose...us. We would love to see your photography, coupled with your progress in getting better.

Does this, in any way, sound possible?

Fear is a very powerful thing, and often irrational. I am scared of bridges and it stops me traveling. I have to research any journey first to see if there are bridges on the way, and if so, how to avoid them. My friends and family think I'm crazy, but no amount of logic can make me change. But if a bridge kept me from being happy, or from living a fruitful life, e.g my children lived on the other side of one, I'd hope to think I'd try anything to "manage" my fear, as I don't think I would ever overcome it...

Sending love and pride for what you managed today, xxxxx

[Helen33]

I have to research any journey first to see if there are bridges on the way, and if so, how to avoid them.

SNAP - me too!! I thought I was the only one!!

Love

[florence43]

Oh Helen, what a relief! I'm always too embarrassed to share this with people, because it sounds so stupid! I blame my dad, who used to tease me when I was a toddler! He'd be holding my hand, walking over Kingston bridge, then suddenly pretend to throw me in the water!!!

I still remember it now! Doh, Dad! You got that sooooo wrong!!

But I have Vertigo, so that's probably more likely the reason...

[Helen33]

Hi Annie,

I can just about manage to walk and cycle over bridges. I can manage as a car passenger because I can shut my eyes. It's when I'm driving I get really bad vertigo and end up driving 5 miles at hour tops to all the peeping and papping of horns from the cars following me. I can only do safe routes because I consider myself to be a danger in these circumstances

When I tell people they find it really hard to believe because I am always seen as strong and confident. I am strong and confident in some things but not in everything.

I think my vertigo came from when I use to live in Vienna. There is the fair ground (Prata) which is open all year. I used to wear a hair piece or a wig when I was young just because it was fashionable (60's) and I went on the wild mouse It was either let my wig blow off to display my tied up hair underneath or lose my life I would rather have lost my life and it felt like I was about to!!!! I was terrified and the screams must have convinced the guy running the thing because he stopped the ride and I got off. Don't laugh It's true It's just so many years ago that it seems like another lifetime.

Love

[kassy]

I don't think having fears is anything to be embarrassed about,if we're all honest,most people have them.

Helen,the little wooden bridge at Dovedale has always scared me,and its tiny.The first time i tried to cross it i had a panic attack a few years ago.When we went back to Dovedale i crossed it....with my eyes shut!!Its because theres running water under it,my fear is water.

[Saffie]

Good morning Kassy. What's the weather like with you today? It's cold and dull here. Dreadfully cold and miserable yesterday too after a lovely day on Monday.
You already have a wildlife picture thread going don't you - if I remember rightly - so how about adding to that? No pressure but, as I said before, you do take lovely shots.
Those you took when out with your husband were beautifully positioned.

You seem to have a good variety of birds in your garden too, are any building their nests yet? There was a flurry of activity here a few weeks ago, far too early but I think the birds were fooled by the warm days we had then - as we all were! - into thinking that spring had arrived!

Thinking of you - love XXX

[jan.s]

Good morning Karen, how are you today? We have a very grey day here today, how about you?

Reading Saffie's post, I don't know that I've seen your photos. I must have a dig round and find them. I seem to remember you talking once about your pet squirrel, is he still around? We seem to have lost a lot of the wildlife in our garden, because of the dog. Having said that I did see a fox a few weeks ago, and we have a pheasant sitting on the fence last week! Maybe I'm just not looking.

I'm thinking of you. Do I give R a hug from you? His face always lights up!

love Jan x

[kassy]

Saffie and Jan,thank you,i will be back to reply to your posts.

I have had a message from my son,he may return from Canada for a visit this year sometime,his girlfriend has relatives in this country that she visits.

He said he couldn't visit me if 'i'm the way i am'.

I have replied...

I have a mental illness.
I don't want it,i haven't chosen it.
Trauma has made it,but it is there.
I am not weak,i've just been strong for too long.
I ask nothing from no-one,but please don't turn your back on me.
A little kindness will help me through each day.

I apprehensively await his reply.

[turbo]

Hello kassy, good reply, I think you have summed up how you are very well but I still don't think he should be be saying he can only visit you if you are well.

turbo