Results 1 to 9 of 9

Thread: Feeling Guilty

  1. #1
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Lincolnshire
    Posts
    3

    Feeling Guilty

    Hi everyone
    This is the first time i have written on here but need to put in words how im feeling.
    My mum was diagnosed with Alzheimers May 2011 but we knew something was wrong from the christmas time. We got a bigger house and moved mum in with us in the September as she wasnt coping on her own. Up until now it has been ok but im getting so tired and i get very stressed with my mum i hate myself for being like this. I work monday to friday as well as making sure my mum is up and ready for day care or dancing that she goes to. I make sure her clothes are out for her i bascially have to do everything for her now. I have a carer in a few hours a week as mum wont make a drink or eat or take her tablets anymore. I am making sure she has different day activities to keep her motivation up and to stop her just sitting down staring at the tele. My daughter takes her for tea one day a week. My partner is good with my mum. It is now getting to the point where we dont sleep much as mum is up and down several times in the night either toilet, or getting dressed or just wandering about. We get money for mum monthly so she can have a bit of care and do the activities but now that money is not enough for the care she is starting to need. I just dont no what to do. I couldnt think about a home yet as im sure it would make her worse and i would never forgive myself. I am scared of even going to a home because you hear of so many horror stories about the way people are treated, But we really need a break. Just to walk out the house without having to make sure my mum is cared for or to get a proper nights sleep would be great. I just need to let this out. Want to stop feeling like this want my mum back.
     

  2. #2
    Hi. I think everyone on here has or does feel just like you, so never feel you're alone. Guilt seems to be an integral part of caring!
    Have you approached Social Services for another assessment of needs? They will address your needs and can increase your personal budget.
    Hope this helps.
    Jan
    “Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.” - Buddha
     

  3. #3
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    146
    Hi DSCC, and welcome. Well, where do I start? Guilt is one word you'll hear and read very frequently on any forum connected with alzheimers/dementia. I wish I'd had a pound for every time I've heard relatives saying they feel guilty about even considering putting a loved one into care. I'd be a very rich man.
    I'm sure you've read horror stories about care homes too. But please realise, the bad ones are few and far between.
    As dementia progresses, your obviously going to need more professional help. You realise that even now, the day may come when your mum may well require placing in a care environment, full time.
    A good place to start would be to contact Social Services and have her needs re-assessed (as Jan says in her post). Assessments should of course be a continuing process, done whenever they are needed, not once a year etc.
    Perhaps you may consider "Respite Care" where your mum could spend a few days/nights in a care home (where I'm sure she'd be well cared for) and you at least would feel refreshed when she returned to you. This could be a stepping stone, towards full time care as well. (get everyone used to the idea) Perhaps even consider a week or a fortnight's respite care, whilst you go on holiday (might sound cruel, but you have to get on with your life and I'm sure you have many other things to consider)
    Sorry, but your mum, is never going to return to how she once was. Dementia is a cruel and heartless beast, which torments the relatives, not the sufferer.
    I still find there's quite a bit of stigma (totally unwarranted btw) attached to the condition. You've probably seen the advertising campaign on at the moment to raise awareness of the condition. I'm sure you must have friends who have relatives in a similar position (even though they may not talk about it) You may not even be aware that friends are in a similar position.
    I wish you all the best.
     

  4. #4
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Lincolnshire
    Posts
    3
    Thank you for your reply and support. Social Services came to see me the other week i think it was really to see if they could cut the budget but realised they couldnt once they re-assessed my mum. They said if i needed more help to get back in contact with them. But they arent going to help with any more money. If i was able to have a break and find a nice care home then its the money. It costs so much and what money my mum receives pays for the activities and care i need for her every week as i have to work. so for just a few days would take a months money then what can i do for the other 3 weeks, I know i sound negative im sorry but it just seems a no win situation. So much ends up being about money and its so wrong
     

  5. #5
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    146
    I'll provide a link to another discussion on this forum.
    http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showt...lateral-Damage.
    Please read all of the replies though. There's one from BeckyJan which gives figures of how much (of the sufferers) money is taken into consideration. Seems to me that your income is being taken into consideration as well (which is totally wrong).
    What would have happened if your mum didn't have any sons or daughters? (or even relatives?)

    I know you want the best for your mum, but don't let yourself be sweet talked into parting with your own hard earned money.

    Some care may require a "Top Up" contribution from the family, but this shouldn't amount to very much at all.
     

  6. #6
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    Yorkshire
    Posts
    3,027
    Don't take everything in that link as gospel

    Society requires that the spouse pays care home, fees between £40,000 and £80,000 a year, which is out of all proportion to the income of the couple and for the 'survivor/carer', to live on a fraction of that sum.

    There are lots of us paying for excellent CHs which come in at considerably less than that. My mum's costs around £26K pa.

    And please don't think a CH is the end of the world. You need to read some of the other threads on here and you'll see many of us are satisfied with the care provided.
     

  7. #7
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    146
    Chemmy, I did advise DSCC to read ALL of the replies, to the topic I linked to. The original post is just Michael's take on the system as he sees it. (although quite a lot of what he's posted is valid)
     

  8. #8
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    Yorkshire
    Posts
    3,027
    ... ALL of the replies.
    ..and they all seem to agree with him

    I have my own opinions on the article but this isn't the thread to discuss them.

    DSCC - Handyjack is right in that you need to accept that your mum is going to continue to deteriorate and eventually a move to a CH will probably be inevitable. As I said, it isn't the end of the world although it seems like it at the time. Unfortunately moving a parent into your home is much easier than moving one out - perhaps it should come with a government health warning!

    Have you had a look through the society's factsheets? That's a good place to start to gather information re. coping at home and about the ways of paying for care.
     

  9. #9
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Lincolnshire
    Posts
    3

    Thank you

    Thank you for your help. I will look more into things and read what people have written.
     

 

 

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts