They say that anger is the emotional we feel after denial when confronted with a traumatic situation. What happens if you were angry beforehand though?
My dad is 58, in July he was diagnosed with Dementia and his mental capacity is rapidly declining. He has been 'unwell' for over a year and half though. Due to the way he led his life, there are no friends around, he lives alone and extended family are minimal. He is divorced from my mum and so that leaves me and my two younger brothers to 'care' for him. I live in London and my youngster brother is in his final year of uni. So most of the daily pressure falls upon my middle brother. I can't bare that. But i can't bare to be there either.
I don't know that it would be easier if Dad and I had loved, supported and known each other. Perhaps it wouldn't be. I know that it certainly makes it harder to deal with knowing that any hope of a reconcillation and healing of old wounds has evaporated. I am struggling with accepting the inevitable. What a terrible disease.
It has taken me a while to get on a forum or seek support from others also coping with dementia. I think being signed off work for 2 weeks after a nasty anxiety attack has pushed me to face up to the grief i have been avoiding. I've been good a pretending we are coping.
I feel obligated to care for him, one human to another, i want to protect and help my brothers but i am so messed up over the past, present and future. He is becoming increasingly dependant and his actions are becoming increasingly unsafe. We know he needs to go into a home. The Psychiatrist agrees. It feels so sad, so hard to make that choice. To take away his last piece of independence even though it is best for him.
I don't know if i could visit him in a care home, i would out of obligation, concern and necessity. But when he doesn't recognise us, then it will be as if he has left me with the pain and anguish, alone, and he has escaped dealing with it. He has already left me swamped in his unimaginable debt. He will not know, not remember, and i feel i can't talk to him about my fears, my loss. He just repeats what you say to him, a shell of the former man i thought i knew.
It is so tiring.