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  1. #16
    Although this is a very emotional topic, I do think these situations have to be evaluated individually.

    I know that three or so years after my mother was diagnosed and when I had moved her near me in Ontario, my stepfather and I had such a conversation. In a roundabout way, he let me know he was lonely and wanting a relationship. I let him know very definitely that he had my approval, which essentially is what he was asking for. My mother was no longer aware of him as her husband and I felt, and still feel, that having him lonely and unhappy to conform to public opinion was not right.

    The man in this case is visiting his wife in the NH two or three times a week. He hasn't abandoned her, he is still caring for her. He was lonely to the point of suicide, he says. Had he committed suicide, he wouldn't still be caring for his wife. If he were not still caring, I would feel very differently about his situation.

    Love catches us completely unawares sometimes. To find love again is a great gift and it should not be blocked out.

    Although I am not a religious person, I have always loved these two sayings attributed to Jesus "Judge not, lest ye be judged" and "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone".
    Joanne
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    When you've seen one person with Alzheimer's, you've seen one person with Alzheimer's

  2. #17
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    'But what finally clinched it for me was when I was reading my Bible and suddenly, in the book of Genesis, I was reminded of how “It is not good for a man to be alone”.[/

    Really?

    And the purpose of this article is?
    Last edited by CaPattinson; 09-11-2011 at 03:11 PM.
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    Chris x

    It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone. Rose Kennedy

  3. #18
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    I think most people would comment one way or another,rightly or wrongly.

    But at the end of the day,he is a vicar,who i presume conducts wedding ceremonies,but i don't think he possibly could again after this.

  4. #19
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    All I can say ....

    is that if/when I am struck down with this awful disease I would hope my husband would do the same. The thought of him coming home to a lonely, empty house is such a terrible a thought. I would not want him to spend years of loneliness and isolation if it could be different for him. I love him too much to want that for him.

    However I realise that we are all different.

    Linda

  5. #20
    Quote Originally Posted by uselessdaughter View Post
    is that if/when I am struck down with this awful disease I would hope my husband would do the same. The thought of him coming home to a lonely, empty house is such a terrible a thought. I would not want him to spend years of loneliness and isolation if it could be different for him. I love him too much to want that for him.

    However I realise that we are all different.

    Linda
    Agree 100%. He sounds like a man who loves and cares for his wife and is lucky to have found someone to share his life with him during these last difficult months of mentally still caring for his wife.

    As I am a non-believer, the vicar part is irrelevant to me.

  6. #21
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    Sorry,but i hope my husband only finds another woman when i'm dead.

  7. #22
    I don't judge what this man does, if he squares it with his own conscience, that's what matters.

    What did make me jump was his statement that he is still fulfilling his marriage vows. What about the 'cleave thee only unto her' bit?

    Sorry, but hypocricy I can't abide.


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  8. #23
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    I think the retired vicar has been very lucky to meet a widow, who like him was looking for friendship. Telling his story to the world is a bit unbecoming however - I reckon he must be wracked with feelings of guilt. I think the article was trying to raise awareness about dementia?

    While reading the story, my mind wandered off and I suddenly thought of Mr Rochester and Jane Eyre - this must have been a sensational story (albeit fiction) when published in 1847!!!!!! Mr Rochester asks Jane to marry him while still married to his wife. During the marriage ceremony it is proclaimed that he is already married to Bertha - this is a woman he has locked away in his attic after discovering she was descending into madness. Jane refused to be his mistress but he won her in the end although he had to lose his hand and his eyesight in atonement for his sins.

    And the relevance of this is.........?

    Sorry, just me musing as usual.
    "The best of life is further on, hidden from our eye beyond the hills of time" - Sir William Mulock.

  9. #24
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    O dear, and here was me thinking what a tolerant lot we are on TP!

    I don't think anyone can honestly judge unless they have been in the same or similar position. A parent with Dementia is not the same as a partner - I have had both and it is very different. Both really hard, sad and despair inducing- but different.
    Perhaps some should take a glance at the thread "Do you ever get used to living alone?"

    This article was being discussed by Jeremy Vine on Radio2 when I was travelling to visit my husband in his nursing home. A lady phoned and she has met another man since her husband has been in a home. He developed Alzheimer's when in his 50s. She sounded kind, caring, rational and nice. She said her new partner is a temendous help and support to both to her and her husband. She also said that she would never contemplate divorcing her husband. As jimbo said when starting this thread - thought provoking!

    It does seem to be the fact that this fellow is a vicar that has influenced some people, maybe rightly, but he is still a human being - and he is not solely responsible for his Church's ruling on second marriages beiong held in Church

    I don't presume to know the right answer to all this. I cannot imagine wanting to share my life with any other man, but that is me and I am older. However, I don't think I can condemn someone who feels otherwise, even though I don't actually approve. We are all different and will respond to this in different ways just as we do to everything else.

    I wonder what would happen if f a TP member felt differently about this and even acted differently. Would they still be welcome - or would they be drummed out! Just a thought - nothing personal!

  10. #25
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    I didn't say he was solely responsible for churches rulings on 2nd marriages.

    I just think he should have kept it to himself,it makes a mockery of the church.

    I'll keep quiet in future.

  11. #26
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    I totally agree with you Saffie.

    By the way, I don't think the vicar should feel guilty - and I don't think he's condoning hypocrisy - I can only surmise he wants to raise awareness about the realities of having to cope with a partner with end stage dementia - perhaps to appease his unease. Yes, very, very thought provoking.

    Thanks Jimbo, I love discussions like this, we don't have enough on TP.

    Edited to add:
    Sorry Kassy my post crossed with yours. Don't keep quiet, your opinions are very interesting and valued by everyone.
    Last edited by Jancis; 09-11-2011 at 07:05 PM.
    "The best of life is further on, hidden from our eye beyond the hills of time" - Sir William Mulock.

  12. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saffie View Post
    I wonder what would happen if f a TP member felt differently about this and even acted differently. Would they still be welcome - or would they be drummed out! Just a thought - nothing personal!
    Interesting comment, Saffie, our venerable ‘leader’ of yore on the forum (and often someone I disagreed with, I hasten to add - but always in a relatively civil way) – Brucie – a previous moderator, administrator, member with massive input to AS alongside his TP responsibilities and contributions was exactly in this position (except not a vicar unless there is something he never disclosed! :-)) Truth – I suspect he has been one of the advisors for the Coronation Street storyline encompassing this emotive topic (but maybe he’s too humble to admit it – or I may have it totally wrong – in which case Brucie – if you ever read this thread, forgive me) ...... He was one persuaded me to see things from another angle ..... and dearest Connie (RIP) one of the most respected members and moderators ever on this forum was wholeheartedly in support of his publicising his ‘Love for Two Women’ and broaching this very difficult topic. It was hugely debated years ago – and no doubt will continue to be here and elsewhere to kingdom come ..... forgive me, I don’t often ‘resurrect’ very old threads ........

    http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showt...ght=love+women

    I don’t think people are being judgemental. It is very emotive and every one has a right to their own personal views and indeed beliefs about the situation, religious or otherwise and whether they are in the situation now or dare or daren’t consider how they might feel should they be in it themselves at any point - whether as a partner or someone concerned for their parent or anyone else?

    I think we also have to respect that airing these issues may cause ‘triggers’ for some people who are hugely opposed on religious or any other grounds to certain scenarios and be there to support them too?

    Karen, x

  13. #28
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    I didn't say he was solely responsible for churches rulings on 2nd marriages.
    I just meant that it wasn't his fault that second marriages taking place in church were not permitted - though I believe that ruling has been relaxed now too


    I think if he had kept it to himself then that would have been hypocritical but he didn't. Whether he is right about or not, he is at least open about it It's strange but the chaps in the US who said that they condoned this action were also men of the cloth.

    Makes you think. What a ripple that pebble you threw in the pond is causing Jimbo!

  14. #29
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    I can see the point of view that, as a retired vicar, he is being hypocritical.
    However, I am not religious at all, to me although he is a vicar (or any religious offical) they are underneath it all human. As humans we need love (just my opinion). He has said he had many years of happiness with his wife, cared for her while her condition deteriated and still visits her. I honestly don't think he has left her to rot in a nursing home.
    I can't find it in me to judge him and say he is wrong by going out and finding someone else to share his life with.

  15. #30
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    think we also have to respect that airing these issues may cause ‘triggers’ for some people who are hugely opposed on religious or any other grounds to certain scenarios and be there to support them too?
    definitely - and rightly so.

 

 

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