I dont know why i feel so low this evening

[muriel.elliott]

Hi all
Just had to write down what i feel like this evening before i go to bed and try to sleep.I have had a busy last few days with friends and going out, doing gardening etc. and yet this evening i just feel so low and miserable again. I have just filled in forms and written out cheque for Bryans Headstone to be started. Whether that is anything to do with it i dont know but i feel so alone.
When i think of all the timeswhen Bryan was driving me up the wall with his constant moods, rubbish talk, agitation, anger, violence, demands etc. I wish so much that he was back here with me now, even as he was!But before this horrible desease kicked in would be lovely. But i know this will not happen. I have just got to get my head round it.
Sorry to go on, but i know you all understand.
Love and hugs Muriel xx

[Helen33]

Hello Muriel,

Isn't it good to have TP to come to when it seems the whole world is asleep. I'm just going to try to sleep myself but saw your post and thought I'd just send you a (HUG). I remember the times of desperate aloneness and just being able to reach out on TP did help a little. Sleep tight Muriel. I think you are doing so well because you are getting out and doing some gardening. That is very positive.

Love

[Pheath]

Muriel
Sorry because i don't know any details of your loss but bereavement is a long and difficult journey and it's only natural you will still get very low days, hopefully in time these bad days will lessen but there's no knowing how long that will take. My dad has advanced dementia and however awful the situation gets I know I'll miss him terribly when he's no longer here and will be grief stricken. I think when you lose somebody we have a tendency to remember the happier times more and this can make you sad too and also the heartbreaking tragedy of the illness i'm guessing re-surfaces again. Allow yourself to cry and feel sad as the feelings arise, one day it will be less painful.
Go well, Pam

[Christin]

Hello Muriel, I hope you are feeling a bit brighter today. Very best wishes to you xx

[florence43]

Hi Muriel,

If it helps, and I wish I could, I know this feeling very well, but as a daughter. The years leading up to losing my dad were horrific. He'd had an acute stroke and was bed bound and paralysed. He had his mind, but not his body and he was living on a hospital bed innthe living room with mum for company. Mum was deteriorating weekly, it seemed and the pressure of dad's situation and the anxiety it caused made her far worse, in my opinion. It was he'll for them both, and tragic for us to witness.

Towards the end of his life it was awful. We were losing the parent who had all our links to the past, the memories and the answers. I was spoon feeding him, comforting him and watching him die. Life was chaotic. Three children under the age of 9, and living over an hour away, we visited dad in the hospice every other day for his last 3 weeks. I was exhausted and sad. Nobody could keep that up...

But when he died, I missed it. The chaos, the meetings, the paperwork, the adrenylin...my dad still being here. I missed that life, and I thought that was crazy. It WAS crazy. You wouldn't wish that on anyone...

Time has passed and dad's chaos has been replaced with mum's. The worry transferred almost immediately from one parent to another. But now I simply miss my dad...which I suppose is the more logical feeling.

But I can understand what you're feeling. Better to still have them in our lives, and take on the worry and stress, than not have them here. But it's not a rational feeling, just one of love, loss and grief. Our men shouldn't have gone from our lives...

I'm so glad you can still come here when it's a bad day. We're certainly not going anywhere, so come when you need us. You have many friends here...

Hope today is a better day... Xxx

[muriel.elliott]

Thank you all for your replies and thoughts. It does help so much. I had a really bad night that night and last night was not good either. Had friends over and they did not go until after midnight so by the time i got to bed it was late but i still could not sleep. When i did i was dreaming about Bryan all the time. I often do.Thank goodness it does not upset me.
I am spending a lot of time in the garden today, just come in for a cuppa and a rest before i go out there again. I somehow feel closer to Bryan out there, he loved the garden and wildlife.
Love and hugs Muriel xx

[florence43]

Dear Muriel,

To have Bryan in your dreams...I hope that brings you comfort. He's in your sleep, your garden and in your heart and mind. Keep him safe and treasured

Hopefully a little rest and today's sunshine will make today a better one again,

Xxxx

[susiesue]

Oh dear Muriel, I know just how you feel. Even though it is ten months since David died I still often feel the same as you and like you even worse when the stone went up.

You look back at the dreadful times and even though they were so awful you still had your husband with you. I still find it hard to remember the times before the illness.

I'm afraid bereavement is a long journey and unfortunately people seem to think that after a few months you are 'OK' - well I'm afraid it seems it takes a lot longer than that!

Love

[muriel.elliott]

Thanks Sue for those kind words. You know exactly how i feel i can sence that.
Your quote is so true. I never thought i would miss Bryan so much. Our marriage was certainly not all a Bed or Roses but it stood the test of time - just over 50 years!
Love and hugs Muriel xx

[Pheath]

Today dad said in one of his very rare lucid moments that he'll soon be ready to call it a day in this life and 'pass on the baton'. It upset me the whole day and really made me appreciate that however difficult it gets here, & believe me some days are pretty ghastly, at least he is still here & how incredibly I'll miss him when he's no longer in this world. A friend of my mum's who recently lost her husband (not to dementia) is having bereavement counselling through Cruse and finds it so supportive to talk through all her feelings associated with loss. I'd always recommend counselling to anyone as it's helped me too through some difficult times and great to have a person completely outside your life to listen without any judgement.