Big decision to make

[SunnySideUp]

I posted last March for the first time and was grateful for the supportive responses I received. Since then my Mum has been placed in a care home after being burgled - she was in her flat at the time and had left her front door unlocked. Thankfully, she wasn't hurt in any way but had all her jewellery stolen.

She's now living at a lovely care home and we all visit when we can. However, she still asks when is it safe for her to go back to her flat. We are sure she's being cared for properly but it's very sad to see her there.

My OH and I have been talking about moving down to live with her so that she can move back into her flat and then she will be looked after by her own family - which is no less than she deserves after dedicating nearly all her life to looking after us (I'm the eldest of six children). It's a huge decision to make and we know that it won't be easy to look after someone with dementia (even though she's my mother) but surely this would be better than being cared for by strangers. We both work full-time so it will be quite a radical life style change for us but we have a very strong marriage so hopefully we can support each other whilst caring for Mum. My OH cares about my mum as if she was his own mother (from whom he was estranged for many years before she died).

Obviously, all my brothers and sisters have to agree to this and they may not for various reasons but I wondered what thoughts people have about taking this decision.

[Grannie G]

I can`t pass any comment other than to hope you have really thought this through and to wish you strength and a little bit of luck.

[cragmaid]

Gosh, what a brave choice. I say that in awe, I could not live with my mother now, I live 10 minutes walk away and that's near enough. While Mum may ask if it's safe for her to go home now, it might be that the expression " home" does not mean bricks an mortar. Often with Dementia, home can mean a different time and space, usually a sensation of security linked with childhood. I read that you like the home she is in and that she is being cared for well, another move, even back to her house, may unsettle her further. And one last negative thought, what happens if either of you become unwell? Will the remaining fit one be able to look after two invalids?Or what if you want or need a holiday...you will have to arrange cover.
I'm sorry to raise the negatives, and I really don't want to rain on your parade, I think that it is wonderful that you could give up your own lifestyles, but talk to your family...perhaps it could be arranged for you all to take turns. Good Luck.

[Jancis]

Hi,
Gosh yes, this is a big decision to make. Here are my thoughts based on my own experience.

When my relative could no longer cope with looking after himself and was first admitted to hospital and then a nursing home, my family started making plans to move nearer to him and our intention was to buy a property with an annex for him to live in. For many complicated reasons our plans couldn't be fulfilled. Since joining this forum and learning about the different forms of dementia and how it affects the sufferer and the carer/s I am glad in some ways that we couldn't arrange our lives around living with our relative. He is in an excellent nursing home and is reasonably content. It is a struggle for them to stimulate him and his appetite is poor and he needs the 24/7 team care that we could not have provided. One of the reasons why our plans didn't materialise was that he didn't want to live anywhere other than his "own home".

Bearing in mind that dementia is a degenerative illness it is a very big decision to make and what if you can't cope and she has to go back into the care home? I admire you, nevertheless and wish you all the very best. Others on this forum have succeeded where I failed.

[Onlyme]

I will play devils advocate:

What if your Mum won't accept help at home?

What if you give up your jobs and then your Mum has to go into full time care? Just because you want to look after her doesn't mean you will be able to.

Is there enough room to move into her flat 24 hours a day? She may be up most of the night and spend it walking around her flat turning lights on and off including your bedroom. You may have to cope with 3 hours sleep a night.

Is there enough room for a hoist and hospital bed in her flat? She may need these towards the end of her journey through the disease.

Can you continue to pay into pensions/funding yourself for the rest of your years?

It takes a lot of planning and even then AD has a nasty habit of being one step ahead of you.

Whatever you decide I hope it works out.

[SunnySideUp]

I'm sorry to raise the negatives, and I really don't want to rain on your parade,

I'm really grateful for your response Cragmaid and this is why I posted as I need to hear all about the negatives (as well as the positives - if there are any ) to ensure we make the right decision.

[cragmaid]

There are positives, others have done it sucessfully. But..... it must not be, as they say in the marriage service,taken lightly or unadvisedly!