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  1. #1
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    I'm so hurt and angry with my family

    I cant stop shaking and crying I'm so hurt. I cared for my mom for 10yrs+ the last few years with the dreaded dementia. ending up moving in with her and giving her 24hr care. no one else in the family bothered. one brother would visit once a week. my sister 4 times a year .but my younger brother who lives just up the road and his daughters all qualified carers also living a few yards away never bothered with mom at all. mothers day birthdays xmas was allways just the 3 cards younger brother would put some slop on facebook. no use to mom of course. sadly mom passed away in May. Ive tried so hard to keep all of them informed of arrangements costing me a fortune in texts ect. it has been a hard time as all my life revolved around mom even my finances I was on 55.55 cares and topped up with 30 income support. once mom died I have been put on sickness benefit, (depression) now I have to survive and run the flat I shared with mom on 67 also I lost the car. so its been hard. then on Sunday night I had a email from this brother almost calling me a liar about moms money. she had an account with 1500 in. but also was paying a credit card debt she ran up at the start of her dementia with the same bank. so her account was frozen when she died and as the amount in her account is now her estate they will obviously take this as payment on the card. he thinks I have had it. he also says that I am lying when I say that mom had to pay for respite in care home as he says that unless you have 16000 saving then all care is free in a private nursing home. and that his daughters have confirmed this.
    how do I prove this is untrue. mom was means tested on everything. she was a council house tennant and was on pension credit but still had to contribute if outside help was involved which is why I did most of it myself. I am disgusted that he turned his back on mom when she was alive but now wants to know everything just incase there is anything for him. I have given him and his daughters all of moms gold jewelery. as they wanted something to remember her by. but they didnt want just anything it had to be the gold. I cant beleive the times my mom has cried as he used to pass her as she stood at the gate and he never stopped to say hello. has any one else had this with family it hurts so much
    Chris
     

  2. #2
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    Hello ceabea, I am sorry that you find yourself in such a sad and hurtful situation. I don't think you need to provide any proof to your brother. Why should you.? What do your other brother and sister say about your younger brother's behaviour.

    Turbo
     

  3. #3
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    Thats families for you. I would tell your brother by e mail, that he can go take a running jump and if he doesnt stop harrasing you, you will call the police. End of. I would then ignore all further communication with him. You should not have to put up with this, and will only upset yourself further by entering into debate with him. If you have invoices or receipts for when your mum was in respite and statement from the bank about the account being frozen, you have nothing to worry about. You dont need to explain yourself to him, let the authorities deal with it, if he continues to harrass you, report him. He sounds like a total a......e and i wouldnt give him the time of day. If he can walk past his mum without even as much as a hello, well that just goes to show what a lowlife he is. Dont bring yourself down to his level, ignore him. He'll soon get the message. You have enough on your mind right now coming to terms with your mums death and being financially strained, you dont need his hassle. Im not surprised youre so angry, i would be too.
     

  4. #4
    I agree with Chucky - he doesn't deserve a response, and you shouldn't feel you have to provide one. It is a common situation, it seems, where the person who has done all the works is suddenly made to feel bad by the others who haven't. It has certainly happened to me. It's hard to get out of the habit of justifying yourself, but Chucky is right - you don't have to. You're the one that has the moral high ground, not your brother.
     

  5. #5
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    Just to echo chucky, and send you a virtual hug x
     

  6. #6
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    Oh my god, Ceabea, that's so horrible, it actually makes me feel like crying....that's absolutely vile of your brother, of your whole family!!!!
    Their behaviour deserves nothing less than a restraining order, they're thieving from you, horrible leeches! I so pray you have some decent family left :-( it's not right to have to deal with that, especially after having lost your mother.
    ((((((hugs))))))
     

  7. #7
    Hello ceabea I had the same with my so called family they did not want to know and they use to stab me and my mum in the back trying to save face and when my mum passed away they threatened to sue me for my mums few possessions nothing of value that they did not want unless I signed for the release of my mums money from a bank straight away so they could have their share only a short time after my mums death I was still in shock and trying to come to terms with it being there to the very end with my mother that was all they were interested in. I have nothing more to do with them now and never will.
    They still stab me in the back a year and a half later and blame me so I know exactly how you feel.
    They have left me a very bitter person towards them now.
    Last edited by simonmonty; 17-06-2011 at 05:20 AM.
    Simon
    just a son who cared for his mum
    My mum on people treating her like she was stupid! "Just because I have memory problems it dose not make me stupid"
     

  8. #8
    when I say that mom had to pay for respite in care home as he says that unless you have 16000 saving then all care is free in a private nursing home. and that his daughters have confirmed this.
    how do I prove this is untrue. mom was means tested on everything. she was a council house tennant and was on pension credit but still had to contribute if outside help was involved which is why I did most of it myself
    Well tell him to contact social service himself and ask for a rebate himself , because yes he is right your mother did not have to pay towards her respite care in a Private nursing home or not .

    If that does not shut him up . Do what everyone is saying . tell him your call the police on him for harassment.

    Terrible situation your in while you still in grief. I do feel for him .


    Bank may of frozen your mother account , but they are not legally allowed to take any money out of your money mother account to pay other debts .. someone has to prove there next of Kin . It will be up to that person to pay it or not .

    And funeral expresses could of been taken out of the account even when account was frozen .
    Last edited by Margarita; 16-06-2011 at 09:57 PM.
    "You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only option."
    Author: Unknown

    Each person experiences dementia in their own individual way.
     

  9. #9
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    Ceabea,i'm so sorry you feel so hurt by your family.

    My sister hated my mum,didn't speak to her for 15 years,but couldn't wait for mum to die so she could get her hands on mums money.We will never have contact again.

    Not one family member visited mum when she was in a care home,apart from me,my son and my husband.

    But,i can hold my head up and say i'm better than any of them,i cared and i have compassion.

    Sending you a hug.x
     

  10. #10
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    I could just cry reading your post. How totally awful for you. I have no idea how people can be so cruel and to their own family. But you know what, as others have said, you don't have to prove anything to anyone. You know what the truth is and that is enough. Let them think what they like. You don't need to waste any energy proving anything to anyone.

    And you know what, if you did prove it, it probably still won't be enough to people like that.

    you are a good person the way you cared for your mum. That's so amazing. Don't let anyone take that away from you.

    love jackmac
     

  11. #11
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    My heart goes out to you...My younger sister and I have had a similar thing after my Mum passed away...we are still fighting with our siblings now 7 years later, but about my Dad who has vascular dementia. All I can say to you is you have been the better person in caring for your Mum. They will have to live with themselves..you can hold your head up and be proud......ignore anything they throw at you...don't give them any further information, like someone has pointed out, if your brother needs to find out about your Mums money let him do it himself. Keep strong, you have enough to contend with.....lots of hugs. xx
     

  12. #12
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    thank you all for your replies. it means a lot.. I have been to my brother and taken a bag containing every bit of jewellery mom had. and every reciept I could find appertaining to moms needs.. I have also answered his e-mail by sectioning every one of his accusations and replied to them and backed it up with phone numbers for him to check. since 1985 mom had 3 insurance policies they were these no medical required type. she had missed payments on one of them. I dont know how many she missed but it rendered the policy useless. but she continued paying the other 2 so the insurance paid out a total of 1810.. wich didnt cover the funeral but has helped a great deal. this brother thinks I am lying (must be judging me by his own standards) so I have given him the invalid policy that has a phone number on it .I hope he calls them as that will prove what I'm saying. as far as I am concerned I have now proven to him there is nothing left. only a big shortfall on the funeral which I will pay monthly. and he can go to hell..my older brother agrees with me but has done nothing to defend me. and my younger sister agrees with whoever she is with at the time.. some how I will learn to adjust to being without mom. but I will never have anything to do with him again... thank you for your support. and I hope I can support you if you need it

    Chris xx
     

  13. #13
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    Yes I have - take it from me, you're better off without them.

    I've changed my phone number and no longer have contact with my brother and other relatives - it can sometimes be the only way to set a boundary if relatives continually show you no respect.

    You don't have to explain anything to your brother as he had no interest in your mother's welfare. I would consider changing your phone number and only giving the new number to people you feel have supported you, as people like this will continue to make your life a misery and you don't need it, least of all now.

    And I certainly wouldn't have given your brother any of your Mother's jewellery - if that had been me I'd have melted the lot down!

    You need to speak to your local Citizen's Advice Bureau as you could well be entitled to a Social Fund payment to help
    cover the costs of your Mother's funeral etc:-

    http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/index/...ocial_fund.htm

    "You can claim a funeral payment from the date of death up to three months after the date of the funeral, even if you have already paid the funeral bill. The claim should be made on form SF200, available from your Jobcentre Plus office. In England, Wales and Scotland you can also apply by filling in an application form on-line on the Department for Work and Pensions website at www.dwp.gov.uk although you will need to print the form in order to sign it. The claim should be made on form SF200.

    In England, Wales and Scotland, you can get the form from your local Jobcentre Plus office. You also apply by filling in an application form that you can download from the Department for Work and Pensions website at: www.dwp.gov.uk."
    Last edited by Nessa456; 19-06-2011 at 07:50 PM.
     

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nessa456 View Post
    And I certainly wouldn't have given your brother any of your Mother's jewellery - if that had been me I'd have melted the lot down!
    I'm with you Nessa I would have sold it first to pay for some of the funeral rather than give it to him! What a low life

    You are not obligated to talk to him in any way ceabea, if he is that worried about what he can get then let him pay for a solicitor. It will cost him a fortune and he will get nothing.

    Hold your head up high ceabea. Don't let him make you suffer any more.
    Love and hugs
    Nanak
    missing what has gone and scared of what is to come
     

  15. #15
    Hi Ceabea, youre brother sounds like a total ass. I'm sure you don't need the added stress at what must be a tough enough time anyway. It doesn't sound like anything will satisfy him and you have done more than enough.

    It sounds like you did everything you could for your mum, no one could ask for more and i would try to take comfort in that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Margarita View Post
    Well tell him to contact social service himself and ask for a rebate himself , because yes he is right your mother did not have to pay towards her respite care in a Private nursing home or not.
    Hi, sorry to jump in on the subject of money but is that correct?? I always have to pay part of the cost of mums respite (its in a private home with about 70% contribution from LA?).
     

 

 

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