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  1. #1
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Canada
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    2

    How can I help my mother?

    Hi, I am new to this forum. My mother is 87 and has had dementia for about six years. Last August I managed to get her assessed by psychiatric service as high moderate re dementia. They offered ongoing services plus social services did assessment too and offered in-home support. My mother refused all assistance. She denies all memory problems. The services said they could do nothing without her agreement.

    I have a brother who lives in England who offers some support but he struggles in this role and finds it very difficult to remain supportive. I live in another country and spend my holidays with my Mom - usually can get back three times per year. But this is not enough.

    Does anyone have any suggestions on how I might get my mother to accept help? I want her to remain in her own home because she loves her home and garden. I feel she is experiencing neglect.

    I worry so much about her. I phone her before I go to work and again as soon as I get home so that we can have long chats but I know this is not enough. She struggles with depression because she does not have enough social contact. Plus, I worry if she is eating reg.

    She has always been very independent and cannot accept help. At the same time she is no longer able to carry on without help.
    How does capacity work in England? Any suggestions would be much appreciated.
     

  2. #2
    Quote Originally Posted by elisa View Post


    How does capacity work in England? Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

    Hello Elisa, welcome to Talking Point. I'm sorry to hear about your mother's condition. It must be very worrying for you especially as you are trying to care from a distance. There is an AS factsheet about capacity in the Factsheets section (see link at the top of the page). http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/sc...documentID=354

    I think in your position I would want to have a serious talk with your mother's GP about further help which might be acceptable, and also I wonder if you have contacted an AS branch close to where your mother lives? Does your mother have any reliable neighbours or friends who visit? Some very experienced long distance carers visit this site and I am sure will come along soon to help you further. Kind regards
    Last edited by DeborahBlythe; 27-02-2011 at 08:56 AM.


    Deborah
     

  3. #3
    Hi and welcome.

    It must be so difficult trying to sort things out from Canada.

    We managed to get carers in under the white lie of the lady that made her lunch. This was never a carer in MIL's eyes, just a sort of help/cook which seemed much more acceptable to MIL.

    Lemony xx


    When life gives you lemons make lemonade.
     

  4. #4
    Registered User
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    Jan 2011
    Location
    Essex
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    Hi,My mum was offered Day centre visits and a sometimes carer to accompany her to Hairdressers/shopping or wherever she wanted to go. She refused. She has carers 3 times a day for her meds which she accepts and meals on wheels which she SAYS she doesn't eat, but evidence says otherwise! The meds carers are also able to make mum a hot drink or a flask and a sandwich or snack at the teatime visit if she would like. She doesn't like and when the carers(in the early days) used to make a sandwich each day,we would find them hidden in various places, so now the carers ask and mum says no.The point of all this rambling is to say that I used to try to persuade mum to accept the help offered,but now just mention it from time to time,in case she's changed her mind, but otherwise"wait and see",so far nothing bad has happened. If it does I'll think about what to do then. Good Luck Lin x
     

  5. #5
    Hi there and welcome, your post rang many bells! Sadly my mother died over 2 years ago. Some 10 years prior to her death she lost her sight due to macular degeneration and then also developed cognitive impairment, probably vascular dementia but not formally diagnosed. Denial was always high on the agenda "But I can see" was her frequent comment even though it was very obvious she had very little vision. "I don't need any help" was another comment. "I don't need any benefits" was another. "I can still cook" was another when she nearly burnt the house down by picking up the saucepan handle with a tea towel over the gas flame! Yes, it is such a worry, isn't it and I understand your concerns. All the worse for living over the pond. It sounds as if you do a lot even if you are in another country!

    Thinking back, it was a big struggle to get my Mum to accept the help which was needed. In hindsight, it is important to preserve their self-esteem and encourage them to do as much as they can for themselves, to avoid depression. I used to ask my Mum to help ME in any way she could so she felt useful and not useless! This all has to be balanced against safety! My Mum had regular visits from a church worker and, like Onlyme, had a twice weekly "cleaner" who later became her twice daily PA on Direct Payments and did everything from cooking, shopping to personal care. Age Concern, now Age UK, visited my Mum and talked to her about the benefits to which she was entitled. She was reluctant to take any, but they had obviously met the arguments before and they were able to convince her she was not robbing the country!

    Have you tried Age UK?

    Lastly, you cannot do more than you are doing - sometimes you just have to let go and wait and see what happens.

    Good luck and let us know how you get on.
     

  6. #6
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    South Yorks
    Posts
    147
    Hi elisa
    We slowly introduced the idea of carers by getting a private warden firm to visit each morning. Just a 2 minute pop in to start with. Mum thought these ladies were personal friends of mine who were calling on their way to work, so that was OK!

    We had a grocery delivery from a major supermarket 1x week, ordered / paid online by myself.
    Gradually the wardens offered shopping services.

    We also got in a hot meal delivery company each lunchtime and Mum accepted this as the meals were great!

    Got Mum a 'careline' pendant to wear around her neck should she have a fall (from SS) and eventually the wardens were replaced by SS carers after Mum had a hospital admission.

    It was a slow process,and non of these people could ever be called carers in front of Mum, but gradually we got there.
    Good luck!
    Carol
     

  7. #7
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    2

    Thank you for your suggestions

    Thank you all for your suggestions. I am going to contact the Alzheimer's Society tomorrow by phone. Plus, the idea of slowly having someone come by is a great idea. Espec if introduced by me daily when I go back in April. I could introduce her as my own friend. Great idea! Best wishes to all of you. :-))
     

 

 

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