Can anyone help us?????????????

[TheGirls]

Hello All, My sister's and I are in need of some help on what appears to be quite a taboo subject... uninhibited sexual behaviour and the viewing of "adult DVD's" in his care home.
Our whole world was turned upside down back in September when dad became a man we did not know overnight!! Of course in hindsight there had been lot's of very subtle changes in vocabulary and behaviour, which now make perfect sense. Dad has now been diagnosed with VaD. I used to work in an EMI unit, one of my sister's works in a care home and my youngest sister had no knowledge of dementia at all (with the help of your wonderful site this is no longer the case).
So let me get to the problem, dad believes that every lady that shows him kindness of any kind is his girlfriend, there have been two incidents where he has been found in ladies rooms "helping them". He doesn't comprehend that there is a problem and that these ladies are not his girlfriends. When he was at home (he lived with my youngest sister) he used to watch "adult films" which we were blissfully unaware of, we now know that they were always under lock and key. However he is requesting us to take them to the home for him to watch but our worry is will this make his behaviour worse or will it actually help him?????????????? I have spoken to a nurse at the home she suggested I speak to dads SW which I did today. He recommends a couple of weeks for dad to settle in properly to his new surroundings then we'll have a meeting between the relevant parties, which I agree with to a point but I don't want dad to feel a prisoner and that we are depriving him in any way.
This is not a common problem I know, but any incite or advice would be greatly received.
We are finding this aspect of his dementia so worrying as it is just not talked about and we are struggling to come to terms with it, although we will do anything to help him. He is a lovely caring man with a great sense of humour and we love him dearly.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, sorry I waffled on a bit. Kind regards to all of you, Elaine x

[Meercat]

Dear Elaine and your sisters,
Welcome to TP. I am unable to give advice on your particular situation, however I can remember a thread sometime ago when a TP member was considering stopping visiting her relative in his home due to inappropriate behaviour, so you are not alone.

I'm sure someone will be along soon to offer advice.

Once he's settled maybe you could arrange with a careworker for a couple of magazines (from the top shelf) to be given to your Dad when appropriate??

Take care

Meercat

[Canadian Joanne]

Inappropriate sexual behaviour is not that uncommon for AD patients. The real problem is how to handle it.

I think the SW is correct in saying that your dad needs to settle in for at least a couple of weeks. It can take even longer for some people - my mother packed up her clothing every single day for at least 6 weeks.

As for the "adult" videos - personally, I don't think it would be appropriate for you to bring them in for your father. I don't see how it would help his behaviour and I can see that it could be offensive to staff members. I realize it's now your father's home but it is also a workplace and adult videos are not suitable there.

I don't think you would be depriving him by not bringing them in. Your father won't come to any harm if he doesn't have his movies. You can simply 'forget' to bring them in.

Sadly, with Alzheimer's or other dementias, the awareness of what is correct or not is lost. This is what is happening to your father. He maintained enough social decorum to know that these types of videos should be hidden but not enough to realize they would be out of place at the care home.

It's a very delicate and frightening aspect of the disease. Things will change but who knows when.

[TheGirls]

Thank you Meercat and Canadian Joanne. Yes I think you're quite right, it's not the problem as such, it's how to handle it.
Thanks for taking the time to reply, take care, Elaine x

[Margaret W]

I have wondered long and hard about this. I have an aversion to pornographic stuff, but lots of people use it. If your dad used it previously and it didn't cause any problems, then why not let him continue viewing such things? He obviously can't be allowed to act out his fantasies on the ladies in the home, but will he do so? The videos might satisfy his needs for the time being.

This is so unlike me, I would normally be banning the stuff, but I just wonder if I should be more relaxed about it, if it does no harm to anyone.

I am tempted to say give it a go, and see what happens.

Maybe I'm wrong. You do what you can, don't you?

Love

Margaret

[Grannie G]

I would not refuse your father but just keep `forgetting` to take the DVDs in, in the same way I keep `forgetting ` to take my husband`s wedding ring in because it is too big.
My husband has now stopped asking for his wedding ring.

[Jane3006]

Just wanted to say I am thinking of you, and I agree with Sylvia. My mum is in a carehome and she has shown rather strange behaviour in the past and if its something that we have struggled with we always tell her, oh sorry mum we forgot and just like Sylvia mum then forgot to keep asking. Its so hard for you all, but you are def in the right place for support. Wishing you all the best.

[cragmaid]

I also feel that these books and DVDs should not be taken to the home. There is a risk that they might fall into the hands of minors visiting relatives, and yes they could offend other residents/staff, but mostly I think that this may eventually become forgotten and if the visual reminders are not around it might happen sooner. And No, I'm not particularly prudish, but I have always felt that there is a time and a place for such excitement.

[Sandy]

Hi Elaine,

First of all, these sorts of issues relating to sexual behaviour are common enough for the Alzheimer's Society to produce a factsheet on Sex and dementia:

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/sc...documentID=129

I agree with the others that you should just continue to make excuses as to why you haven't been able to bring the DVD's in.

I understand that you want your father to have as much of the freedoms as he enjoyed before moving into the home, but communal living does requires some compromises and this is probably one of those areas where a compromise is needed.

Take care,

[sunny]

I have heard this is quite a common occurrence and lets face it why should it be taboo - he is male and obviously still has an interest in the opposite sex and sex and I dont think it is just males, I think some females in this environment display an equal interest and sometimes they hook up (as in a boyfriend and girlfriend) much to the consternation of the visiting husband or wife - I think the care home staff are well versed in this behaviour and I should speak to the home manager about the best way forward in this respect with your Dad.

[welshhaggis65]

Hi everyone,

My father is in an EMI nursing home in wales and my mother occcasionally visits him, but after her visit I find that dad gets very frustrated, angry and disturbed. He shouts out words that i didnt know he knew and has even grabbed female residents on occasions. He has been poorly over the last few years and on more than one occasion has fought death, but he still is alive, and asI have been told is quite healthy. It is hard when you et told what he has done or said and I worry all the time, but the home is an EMI and even though always short staffed should be trained and be prepared for these outbursts, they should be prepared enough to recognise the signs of it getting to the point where he my father gets close enough to invade someones personal space.

It is not my dad as I know him as he is a gentle giant and has brought up 4 girls and I know this is my dad asking for a bit of attention. After all he has been married for 62 years and misses not living with my mum.

People out there, we are not alone.

[LadyA]

It must be very common to have "out of place" sexual behaviours. Care Homes, try as they might, are not natural "home" environments. In a training course I did, one whole class was devoted to how out of place behaviour is handled in different care homes/day centres. The question was I remember, on several different residents in different homes, who were given to public masturbation. The tutor had just finished explaining that personally, she's inclined to not make a deal out of it, but just casually and cheerfully say "I don't want to be seeing that - into the bathroom with you until you are done!" and guide them to the bathroom, when one student who hadn't been paying attention at all, stood up and said "Excuse me - just have to run out to the loo." - The poor woman couldn't understand why the whole class, including the tutor, collapsed in hysterical giggles!!