Life after....

[kassy]

Kassy, I’ve thought long and hard throughout the day about replying to your thread. No apologies from you needed. When I came to TP in 2006, any idea how much it baulked me reading about people talking about their ‘lovely mums’? I couldn’t say that about mine ... even though it was what I had always craved ....

It’s almost impossible at times to NOT hurt someone or trigger something ... (IMHO) members have to be responsible for what they do or don’t read or contribute to ..... and members have to accept we are all different (in some kind of parallel universe) ..... loved Mary’s contribution about the wonderful legacy her mum left ..... I didn’t have that ... but no, don’t feel jealous .... just accepting her relationship with her mum was clearly different to mine and hope I am that kind of mum now – even if I didn’t have that mothering myself ... and so on ....

What I will say, in case it helps, is the ‘hamster in a wheel’ feeling .... of a difficult childhood (with a depressed and anxious mother, ok, adoption and other issues to boot in my case) who appeared to emotionally neglect ... certainly to alienate family .... who suddenly became my whole universe for a few years (because of her dementia and her needs) ... if I cry for the mother I lost, I’m not sure which one it is. If I rejoice we ‘found’ some resolution in later years then I have to grieve and accept all the ‘stuff’ that went before ..... part of me wants to get back to the anger/detachment that existed before her dementia ... that was my coping ... if someone then said ‘your mother is troubled’ I would say – 'yes, I know.....' the minute she became vulnerable I was more likely to say ‘How dare you?’ As mothers generally protect their children, part of caring is often that role reversal ... and part of my personal unravelling (as for others who didn't have 'Best Mum in the World' mums) is realising actually I was always in the role of ‘parenting my parent’.

I don’t know if that is any help or touches any chords .... but it’s the kind of thing that has tormented me since her death and part of my trying to rationalise and regain my balance ..... part of me yearns to be angry at her again ... but then how could I be after what she went through herself?

Much love to you, sorry if I have said anything to distress you ... your openness and courage is clearly helping a lot of people through your sharing and honesty and I hope it is helping you,

Kaz, x

Karen,please don't apologise,everything you've written is how i feel,before dementia,mum didn't like me,and i didn't like her,but the dear sweet little lady with dementia,i adored and i wanted her for longer,but it wasn't to be.

I'm almost feeling angry with myself for loving her.

[piedwarbler]

I can identify with that.

[Tender Face]

before dementia,mum didn't like me,and i didn't like her,but the dear sweet little lady with dementia,i adored and i wanted her for longer,but it wasn't to be.

I'm almost feeling angry with myself for loving her.

Kassy I thought to PM you today just to say thank you ... or to update my blog ... but it’s right I say publicly how much YOU are helping ME .... and how grateful I am for your honesty .... don’t want to take over your thread .... but please accept my thanks. You summed up in a sentence or two there what I have been trying to get out for months ....

Much love, Kaz, x

[kassy]

Kaz,thanks,you are helping me too.x