Life after....

[kassy]

I seem to have started something,apologies if i've brought feelings to the surface for many of you,i never mean to upset anyone,its just this is the only place i feel comfortable being me.

The counsellor i saw previously knew everything,my whole life story with mum..14 months of weekly sessions,the last 6 months of those was CBT.The final outcome of these sessions?It was good to have someone to listen,but she said i should be happy being me,but i can't,i need to fit into a superficial world and i don't..i can't..its not me,i'm emotional,compassionate and down to earth and i don't 'fit in'.

The only way i can survive,especially now is to shut myself off from everyone,because as i said to my counsellor many times i 'feel like i'm on a different planet to everyone else.'

I grew up in a very depressing household,mum didn't want me to be happy,and now i feel angry i suppose,angry because i loved mum so much until the end.

[Grannie G]

i should be happy being me,but i can't,i need to fit into a superficial world and i don't..i can't..its not me,i'm emotional,compassionate and down to earth and i don't 'fit in'.

i need to fit into a superficial world

I want to correct you here, if I may.
You do not need to fit in to a superficial world. There are many who refuse to fit into this world and I am one of them. All it means is some of the people who belong to this world think we are odd. So what? Let them think.

I grew up in a very depressing household,mum didn't want me to be happy

Are you sure your mum didn`t want you to be happy or do you think she was too wrapped up in herself to think about it.
What you were able to do was turn the tables and put your mother first when she was ill, which was more than I was able to do. You cared out of love, I cared out of duty.


Kassy, by shutting yourself off you are in danger of continuing the pattern your mother set. Is this what you want for yourself?
If you are as down to earth as you think you are you might be able to rise above this and come out at the other end, lesson learned.

I do hope so. You deserve more than you are allowing yourself to have. xx

[Helen33]

Hi Kassy,

I seem to have started something,

You certainly have started something Kassy and I am so glad that you have. It has meant that I have been able to move on and post in this section and it might not seem like anything to others but I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO ME. I have faced something scary and discovered that actually 'it is alright' I must admit though that it only feels alright to me because there are others now here - I could not face feeling abandoned and alone

I tell everybody that I am odd Ask Sylvia because it was one of the first things I told her about myself - true. I know that I'm not odd in the oddball sense but odd because I am true to myself as much as I can be. I haven't always been like this. I wasn't like this as a child but I gradually found the courage to be true to who I am and not true to what my mother needed me to be. I find people that seem to be 'cloned' rather limited. Everyone that met on the Yorkshire retreat was 'odd' in some way and that's probably a reason why we all got on so well together. We were all rich in spirit and we were able to give to one another and really enjoy beginning to discover the heights and depths of each other. I bet I'll get told off now for calling us all 'odd'

It seems that just by posting as you have just done you are breaking free just a bit by telling it as it is - that does take courage because it is always a risk. I trust that this section of Talking Point is a safe risk.

Love x

[BeckyJan]

especially now is to shut myself off from everyone

I remember being at that stage when my husband first went to respite and ultimately NH. I shut myself away too. BUT eventually I knew people were important in my life, my family and friends were worried about me. So I started new things, meeting new people. It was very hard and even now I still feel my life is not 'whole' - but thats because the love of my life (Husband) is not with me.

Your grief is still raw Kassy. Many of us are gunning for you and I hope that you soon realise that you are no more an oddball than the rest of us.

[kassy]

Dear Sylvia,Helen and Jan,thanks for your replies..it all makes sense but in the real world or my real world,the only way i can move on is to be someone i'm not.

I said to my husband last night,'where has everyone gone?'

I used to have a family,friends,now i have Talking Point.

We used to see my mother-in-law,sister-in-law regularly,but haven't seen them for 3 months,mother-in-law phoned 2 weeks after mum died and she asked why i was sounding so low.

Its not just me,hubby is confused too,we've been by their side whenever needed,now unless i go and visit with a big smile on my face i won't be welcomed.

[Grannie G]

Ah Kassy!!
So it`s family who are putting the pressure on for you to be someone you`re not is it?
Well it`s not your fault, it`s theirs.
If they need you cheerful and smiley a few weeks after losing your mum, they have no understanding whatsoever, and I`m not surprised you are shutting yourself off.
It is not you who is odd Kassy. I assure you. xx

[sallyc]

Oh Kassy. You are definately NOT odd! You are amazing, kind, compassionate, supportive...hurting, angry, let down...BUT definately NOT ODD! Throughout all your own hellish nightmare you've been there for me, and many many others. You've been a really good friend to me with everything going on with Grandad. The one time I felt I couldn't "bother you" with my problems, you showed me it was ok to tell you about my life, as well asking about yours. I haven't posted on here so much recently, but I always look out for your posts. And as I once said before "I will be here", remember? Now... You and hubby don't worry about other people's expectations. Concentrate on looking out for each other, and know that your TP family are always here for you.

[Skye]

Kassy, I agree with Sylvia. You shouldn't have to put on a smiley face, and the family are being unreasonable to expect it. You're doing so well, making some progress every day, but you can only go at your own speed. If they can't see that, then they are lacking in understanding.

Be yourself, Kassy. Stand tall, you did everything you could for your mum, and you can't expect to get over it as quickly as that.

You're doing fine, girl.

Love,

[kassy]

Oh dear you've made me cry.But in a good way if that makes sense.

Its not JUST family.

In 8 weeks i've only managed to get to my GP on my own(only a 5 minute walk),because i get too panicky,so unless hubby is off i won't go out,at times i feel like a prisoner in my own home,and i need to get out of this ridiculous state.

This morning i had to go for my flu jab(but didn't have it..but thats another story),i thought deep breath,paper bag at the ready,walked into the surgery and behind me was a lady that used to work with my mum many years ago,she said 'oh i heard your mum died,shes better off,she was always so miserable'

I just looked at her,she wasn't sorry mum had died,i felt like slapping her..i didn't say anything and as i walked away she said,'smile,it might never happen'

I felt like screaming at her'IT HAS HAPPENED'.

This is the sort of thing i encountered on a daily basis when mum was in her care home,and it hurts,it hurts that i've cared for these people,this lady included when her husband died and she needed a hug,i was there..in the street,hugging her while she sobbed.

[Skye]

Oh Kassy, I can't believe that woman could be so insensitive. If it's any consolation, I bet she hasn't many friends!

As for getting out of the house, one step at a time! When you feel you can do it, give it a try. Stay close to home for a while, just out and back. Then gradually increase the distance. But only in your own time, don't try to force it.

Do you have a friend you trust, who could go out with you until you feel more confident? If not, just take it slowly. You'll get there!

Love,

[piedwarbler]

Kassy, you must not worry about 'not fitting in in a superficial world'. Just look at the tag below my signature from Ghandi. He recognised that people can change to make the world a better place. You don't have to be like 'everyone else'. Be the caring person you are and bring change to the world! Never mind people like the lady you met in the surgery. She is exactly the sort of person who you are not like!

There are more good people than bad in the world. You have to believe that.

It just might not feel like that at the moment because of your hurt over your mum's life.

x

[florence43]

Dear Kassy,

I think Pied has nailed it. You are quite a rare find, and if that makes you different, so be it. Raise glasses to it. Celebrate it. But don't change it, and never apologise for it.

If family, friends and seemingly strangers too, are unaware of how you are and who you are, it is absolutely, categorically, completely and utterly their failing, their problem and their misfortune. You have a quality that is admired (and I'm not the only one who thinks this) so I'm not surprised you're angry and confused with the world right now. If you could be treated how you treat others, your current sadness and confusion would not be there. But, as so often, it's not the case.

How to get through these times? Well, I'm not sure I know how, but although you doubt yourself, you have to look back at what you've encountered and what you've overcome. You have immense strength, but the tank is empty. Be sure that it will re-fill. You can't change the person you are to please others. They won't change, so how can you? That woman in the street will always say the wrong thing, be completely rude and insensitive. You will always comfort others and say the right thing. I know whose world I'd rather fit into...

Absorb all this support. It is part of the strength re-fill!

(And did you find just one good thing that happened yesterday or today? For me, it was the return of my son yesterday and a multi-buy in Sainsburys today! Saved a few pennies, which is ALWAYS a good thing! )

[Mo_N]

Oh Kassy, i feel for you. I have felt as you do now. It was like being in a very long, very dark tunnel and know I thought I would never come out of it, but I did. It took time but I did eventually find the light at the end.

Take things at your own pace, do what you can & try not to beat yourself up on the days you can't face anything or anybody.

Sending you a hug & praying that your tunnel is a short one with a very bright light soon in view.

Love
Mo
x

[Tender Face]

Kassy, I’ve thought long and hard throughout the day about replying to your thread. No apologies from you needed. When I came to TP in 2006, any idea how much it baulked me reading about people talking about their ‘lovely mums’? I couldn’t say that about mine ... even though it was what I had always craved ....

It’s almost impossible at times to NOT hurt someone or trigger something ... (IMHO) members have to be responsible for what they do or don’t read or contribute to ..... and members have to accept we are all different (in some kind of parallel universe) ..... loved Mary’s contribution about the wonderful legacy her mum left ..... I didn’t have that ... but no, don’t feel jealous .... just accepting her relationship with her mum was clearly different to mine and hope I am that kind of mum now – even if I didn’t have that mothering myself ... and so on ....

What I will say, in case it helps, is the ‘hamster in a wheel’ feeling .... of a difficult childhood (with a depressed and anxious mother, ok, adoption and other issues to boot in my case) who appeared to emotionally neglect ... certainly to alienate family .... who suddenly became my whole universe for a few years (because of her dementia and her needs) ... if I cry for the mother I lost, I’m not sure which one it is. If I rejoice we ‘found’ some resolution in later years then I have to grieve and accept all the ‘stuff’ that went before ..... part of me wants to get back to the anger/detachment that existed before her dementia ... that was my coping ... if someone then said ‘your mother is troubled’ I would say – 'yes, I know.....' the minute she became vulnerable I was more likely to say ‘How dare you?’ As mothers generally protect their children, part of caring is often that role reversal ... and part of my personal unravelling (as for others who didn't have 'Best Mum in the World' mums) is realising actually I was always in the role of ‘parenting my parent’.

I don’t know if that is any help or touches any chords .... but it’s the kind of thing that has tormented me since her death and part of my trying to rationalise and regain my balance ..... part of me yearns to be angry at her again ... but then how could I be after what she went through herself?

Much love to you, sorry if I have said anything to distress you ... your openness and courage is clearly helping a lot of people through your sharing and honesty and I hope it is helping you,

Kaz, x

[maryw]

Just to add to Karen's comments..... I recognised my Mum was lovely, but I too had a difficult relationship!!! My Mum was a total perfectionist, nothing was ever right, so I was constantly trying to please.... She tried to control my every move, even down to whether the carrots were sliced or cut in batons!! Hardly received any affection, hug or cuddles. From my own reading, no therapy, I realised this was a pattern set by my Victorian Grandma and underneath my Mum was vulnerable and very fearful. So, yes, roles reversed, I gave HER the hugs and cuddles. Another lesson I learnt post bereavement was just how much she had loved me. So, yes, the comment was very precious.

Just writing this to show how many of us have struggled with the mother/ daughter relationship!! Once I understood why my mother was how she was, it helped me to accept it. She was an immensely charitable and unselfish person and I loved her dearly for that and was proud.

Working hard now not to repeat the pattern of the control .......!!!

Dear Karen, I hope the therapy gets to the root of the matter and brings you freedom. Dear Kassy, I think of you so much .... You have been given such good advice here. Bereavement also teaches you who your friends are xx