Homophobia in people with dementia

[Amy]

Thats good...pleased he is happy.
Amy

[Meldrew]

That is good to know Stitch. Perhaps his misogyny and racism were not as deep seated as others were led to believe. Sometimes, as dementia develops, we discover all sorts of things about those we know, or thought we know, well. Not always a nice surprise but in the case of your partner of many years the relief must have taken some weight off of you. Hope he continues to remain chilled.

[rosaliesal]

Homosexuals and lesbians are just titles. Everyone is just a person, a real living person with a heart, feelings and worries. There is no difference that matters. It is good to hear of the happiness found because he realizes the carers also have a heart like him.

[Vanilla]

I had a similar experience with my dad aged 80 when he developed dementia and he had forgotten that I was gay. he asked me one day it I was 'one of those queers' and why i did not get married!
A difficult situation - you cannot row with someone with advanced dementia, there could not be a good outcome. I just said that "I was very happy as I was and had a good life". He looked distracted and then asked for a cup of tea. It was never mentioned again and he died within 3 months.
Whether he remembered I was gay or not he always seemed glad to see me. Interestingly my two straight brothers who he doted on were so scared by his illness that I would arrive at his bedside and see them just talking to each other and ignoring him. I would then wash Dad's face and hands, put cream on the dry skin, comb his hair and share the cake I had brought him. ironic really when he doted on my brothers and said that I was always a big disappointment to him. Ho hum, if you are gay you've got to be tough to have a good life.

[jamieander]

I had a similar experience with my dad aged 80 when he developed dementia and he had forgotten that I was gay. he asked me one day it I was 'one of those queers' and why i did not get married!
A difficult situation - you cannot row with someone with advanced dementia, there could not be a good outcome. I just said that "I was very happy as I was and had a good life". He looked distracted and then asked for a cup of tea. It was never mentioned again and he died within 3 months.

This sounds so similar Vanilla - my father is 83, and has AD & VD. He is so, so homophobic, and has known that I am gay for 11 years - it's one of those things that is not mentioned. Recently he has started asking about girlfriends etc. again (like he would do 10-15 years ago) which makes for awkward times. He gets very aggressive when we talk about gay people, so we just keep it quiet.

There's no point upsetting him further, as you will probably have to repeat the same story a week later... better to just tread carefully I guess!

[jimbo 111]

I have been reading this thread with much interest and concern
I do not have Alzheimer’s or dementia ,and I pray to God I never will
What is of grave concern to me is that I too could revert to the age when
homosexuality was against the law
I am 82 and brought up as a Catholic so you may imagine with this sort of background the possibility of my becoming homophobic is quite high
As far as I know I am generally considered to have a temperate attitude to
The current attitudes on race ,sex, and religion
The main concern is ,as many of you have pointed out, like so many of your parents i have spent many of my years in a completely different outlook and I dread to think that I should at some time because of this background , voice thoughts that were never as far as I am aware in my head,
I sympathise with the anxiety you must feel when this happens ,particularly when you know it is so much against the character of your loved ones
Perhaps the following may lighten this matter
My wife had AD ,( Age 80 at the time) I was filling in a form from the council for her and I laughed at one of the questions
She asked why , though I knew she would not know what I was talking about ] I told her
The question was
Are you heterosexual ?
homosexual ?
bisexual ?
I thought she was having difficulty understanding what I was talking about
After a while she said with such a serious voice
“ I Don’t know - I haven’t my mind up yet “
Bearing in mind she was an 80 year old , strict Catholic , suffering with Alzheimer’s ,there must be some hope for the likes of me
God Bless
jimbo111