Christmas 2009

[KatsWhiskers]

I'm certainly not cutting myself off from the outside world in fact I would say it's the complete opposite. I want help - but 'help' is not allowed in any shape or form in the house - according to my Mother. I don't have any supportive relatives - (I have a brother who has chosen to ignore the situation). There is no one else.

Do you honesatly think I wanted to take this on. I'd just divorced and was looking forward to starting a new life when Mum was diagnosed 6 years ago - I had no choice. Mum is 91 now and I'm a young 63 but I don't want this to be the end of 'my life'. I'll be sad when Mum goes but I will also be glad that she's not suffering. Just looking at her now - sitting there at her little table with a mug of tea spilling it over as she tried to drink it - I could weep.

[KatsWhiskers]

OIh my goodness - your Mumn sounds almost the same as mine. How on earth did youy manage to get her into a Care Home. This is something that I've never wanted to do - but when discretely approached by Soc Svcs - she point blankly refuses. SS say they can do nothing until she agrees to it ! ?

God Bless - and Happy New Year - shall be thinking of you !

[KatsWhiskers]

I'm fully aware about Carer's Allowance and am in receipt of the grand total of £40 a week - big deal!! Thanks anyway.

[KatsWhiskers]

My Mother has always been the controller. Even when I was married. I've been through the abusive stage - and if I disagree with her - or do anything against her will - it all comes back again. I have medication to give her should this occur (antipsychotics prescribed for her by our doctor). She's a one off - extremely difficult - was a doctor's wife and has a dr4adful temper.

Sounds as though I'm making excuses - but believe me to defy her - even though she's not of her right mind will cause me more hastle.

As I said previously - Soc Svcs have actually said they can't do anything unless Mum agrees to it.

[jenniferpa]

Deborah was actually talking about a carer's assessment which is totally different to a carer's allowance. You might want to check the links she gave you.

[KatsWhiskers]

Hello there - long time no speak.

I know what you're saying - we're not together much during the day or night. Mum is in bed most of the time - and I call her down for meals. She's not interested in the TV so usually returns to bed.

It's when we're together that her temper comes out - and I understand as she must feel terribly frustrated. Not knowing whats going on; wondering why on earth there's the role reversal. I don't know - maybe the brain doesn't allow her to think - but we're not under one another's feet.

I cannot and will not just put her in the car and dump her in a home - I would feel so guilty and extremely upset. She wouldn't last there more than a day. She's always refused to eat away from home; to use any lavatory other than her own etc etc..... so many things. She really is a one off - and I'm stupid I know to have let her treat me how she has.

Hope you're keeping well ?

Take care and every good wish for 2010.

[Grannie G]

Kat if your mother is in bed most of the time couldn`t you get someone in without her knowing and just have a break for a while.

No one wants you to `dump` your mother in a care home. But you are entitled to some quality of life and are posting here to off load. It sounds almost as if you are a prisoner, being held to ransom because you are living in your mothers house.

Your mother might be a one off but you are allowing her to be so. Illness or not it is unacceptable behaviour and people on TP are worried about you.

Take care.

[KatsWhiskers]

... in response to my thread.

I really do appreciate what everyone has said - and understand exactly what you're is so right.

I will try to arrange for someone to come in so that I can get out for an hour or two (have Tesco's deliver once a week) but it would be eonderful just to have some me time. I won't tell Mum - and just go but I know what I'll be in for when I get back.
It's been tried before - the problem being that most of the Carers are a lot younger so obviously they have nothing in common. They're not well educated - have no qualifications an I'm sad to say that they're of a low standard. Case of them not being able to obtain jobs without qualifications so the Agencies take them on and they become Carers tather than be unemployed. There are those of course who are dedicated to their work and their patients and of course they're usually ladies that have been nurses in the past - and more mature. But they're very few and far between in Ramsgate !

Mum was a doctor's wife - but sadly I lost my Dad many years as he was 20 years older than Mum. I know that Mum has always lived in the past and maybe even a little Victorian in her ways. There was an instance last month when I took Mum to the doctor's surgery for her Flu Jab. We were ushered into the Nurse's room and the Nurse said "Park your bum on that chair A....". I couldn't believe my ears nor the look of horror on Mum's face. Mum is old fashioned yes - as she believes in being called by her surname - which I respect. But so should these young nurses. The "Park your bum" was totally inappropriate behaviour too.

Maybe this might make things clearer as to what sort of person Mum is ? I'm no snob by any means - but I too have my standards.

Anyway - take care and all the best for 2010

[gigi]

Hello KatsWhiskers,

I've just been catching up with TP and your thread fills me with sadness.

I would urge you to have a CARERS' ASSESSMENT....this will identify your own needs ...you are entitled to this and it may well be the key to unlocking your problems with your mum.

It's not about money..it's about your own needs.

And you definitely need to take control of this situation. Once you make the first move you will feel better about yourself.
Actually..you need to realise that you ARE in control of the situation...but haven't realised it.

Your mother is totally dependent on you. Without you she would not survive. But that does not give her the right to dictate to you what happens.

I was at this stage with my husband a while ago..walking on egg-shells, afraid of denying him or upsetting him. Respite seemed an impossibility. It can and does happen...but you need help and support to make it happen.

I cannot and will not just put her in the car and dump her in a home - I would feel so guilty and extremely upset. She wouldn't last there more than a day. She's always refused to eat away from home; to use any lavatory other than her own etc etc

That's the way you are seeing it. That's because you are catering for your mother's every need to keep the peace.

But in doing that you are denying yourself the life you have a right to live.

Please ask for that Carers' Assessment...and if you have difficulty telling them how things are for you print off this thread and show it to them.

Your mum has rights, of course.

But so do you.

Love xx

[Grannie G]

Kat my husband is quite formal and I remember him having hysterics when the window cleaner greeted him with `Hiya mate`. He was livid and said he was not anyone`s `mate`.

Later on when a taxi driver told him to `park his bum` I was cross as it is not an expression we use either. But people mean no harm and just need telling. This is the type of thing you can discuss at a carers assessment.

All our carers call him Mr G. They do not sit with him unless he invites them to. This is up to you. You must tell the care managers the type of woman your mother is, that she wants to be addressed formally as Mrs. ? and that she is a very private person and doesn`t like familiarity , especially from strangers.

The carers do not have to be her companions. They can just be there to make sure she is safe so you can have a care free outing.

Believe me Kat it took a long time for me to get there but it has made a massive difference to my life.

[Winnie Kjaer]

Kat Your mother is entitled to choose for herself yes that is right but not for you. You are a grown woman. Do you pay towards the householdsbills, I imagine yes in that case it is your home too, and you can decide what YOU do in your home, you are not a guest who needs permission to entertain in your room. She may have houserules and I am sure you stick by those to your best ability, but she cannot dictate what you do. If you feel bad about that arrange to have your carers assessment away from the house, and your mother will have to mangage the hour or so it takes initially. Sorry to be very blunt, but you do need help.

[KatsWhiskers]

Yes I do tell people straight away - or taher ask them to call myt mother by her surname - they give me a weird look - but I dont care. I also told one of the nurses at the hospital off for saying 'lift up your bum my love" - geeeeeeeee what is the world coming to?

I find that when approached these people say they're only trying to be friendly and to make their patient comfortable. Thats so rediculous !!

Anyway enough moaning - am getting angry now and anger on top of depression is not good.

Thank you all again - you really have helped.

[KatsWhiskers]

There are no 'house rules' - My mother's not able to make decisions. She would never of made house rules !! She has no idea that she's ill; no idea what day it is - what year it is. She still recognises me but no one else. Her mjind is in the 1920-30's and often talks about her childhood as it it were yesterday.
No one knows what the patient does or doesn't know and each patient is different.

I came here temporarily 6 years ago just after I'd divorced and whilst waiting for my new home to be ready. Mum was diagnosed so I had no choice but to stay. I regret having done so - yes - but what choice did I have as she was still quite able to do most things then - but of course adamant that no help was needed and she's still that way - stubborn !!

[KatsWhiskers]

I have been assessed as Mum's Carer by Soc Svcs - which is what I'm trying tio get through to people. I know fully well that I need help and would love to accept all that's been kindly offered - but I'm unable to accept because Mum has the final word.
Soc Svcs come once a month to see Mum - and they approach the subject every time about my having respite - help - a break - anything ..... but they see and hear Mum's reaction and if she say's she's not having anyone in the house whether to help her or me - they accept that.
I think it's rediculous as if they say she's not in her right mind - then why put a question to her in the first place and then accept her answer ?!!!

I can't even accept invitations to attend Carer's meetings because she can't be left alone as is a danger to herself.

[Christinec]

Hi Katswhiskers,
You need to have some help for you and I do understand what you are saying.

My Mum and her nmain carer refused all help despite the fact Mum had advanced dementia My mother was the most proper and shy person before the illness and really never wanted anyone in the house. About 5 years ago it became obvious that carers needed to be introduced to ensure Mum was being looked after properly. I was fortunate in that their CPN spoke to the Social Work Care managers who assigned a very experienced carer who initially appearred at the door saying she was from the GP, knew Mum was ill and just happened to be passing and thought she would drop in to see how they were getting on. She (wonderfully) managed over several weeks to move from just happen to be passing to becoming their daily carer and allowed Mum to remain at home for another 3 years. There are ways of introducing carers and you cannot go on dealing with this all alone.

I could have given up my job and husband and children to look after Mum I was clear that I did not want to do this. I feel so sad for you as the distress of the situation you are in is so obvious. I respect very nuch what you are doing but you can only keep doing it with support. You do have aright to some life of your own.

Although quiet my Mum and the main carer could be very manipulative. Our relationship was always poor. It is very difficult to stand up for yourself with some people especially when they get ill but sometimes you have to make sure they get care but that you also have some quality of life. None of us know what time we have left and in my experience this illness can last for many years.

Finally if SW are offering support it sounds like they really want to help you. Do you ever get an opportunity to speak to them alone? Also have you had a chance to talk through how you are feeling with the local Alzheimers Society. They were a fantastic support to me.

Trying to get help accepted is really important and remember that there are two people affected in your house and both deserve to have their needs taken in to account.