Christmas 2009

[KatsWhiskers]

Selfish as it might sound but I feel dreadfully alone and sorry for myself. This is the first Christmas that I realise the lady I've been caring for for 6 years 24/7 (without any outside help and no supportive relatives and friends have deserted me because I'm not available) - is no longer my Mum.
The doorbell hasn't rung and neither has the phone for ages.
You will see I've posted messages/comments in the past but my life is slipping away and I'm not sure if I can carry on much longer in this situation - life is so short and I don't ever want to feel as I do now ever again.

[jenniferpa]

I'm not talking about your caring role, but do you have any support for you? I do think that is so important, perhaps even more important. That sense of aloneness, being unable to continue is exactly what we try as a forum to dissipate, but the reality is sometimes different. If you really can't continue, there is no shame in that, and we will do our level best to encourage you to find the outside help that is available. I'm not saying it is easy or even perfect, but you do not have to feel that there is no one there for you, even if it just this forum.

[Margarita]

The doorbell hasn't rung and neither has the phone for ages.

That sad to read, Christmas can make life seem even more lonely when your isolated at home home and I have read in the past how your mother will not except outside help . stay strong xx

[Pescita]

You are not being selfish at all. It is completely understandable that you feel lonely & isolated, especially at this time of year, when we are all supposed to be playing happy families and/or enjoying a whirl of social activity.

I've not read your previous posts (I will try & take time to do that tomorrow) so I'm not sure why you are not receiving any help with care via Social Services or any other agency/organisation. Is this because your Mum won't accept care from anyone but you, or because you have felt you shouldn't ask for any?

Please don't think that you are not entitled to think of yourself & your own needs. You are, & if you become seriously depressed you won't be able to care for your mum anymore anyway, so you need to find a way to do what you need to do to preserve your own mental health.

Keep posting & talking to us about how you feel - there will always be someone to listen xx

[Pescita]

I was busy writing my last post while you were posting yours I think!- now I know a bit more about the situation with your mum.

I can't give you a real hug but please accept a "virtual" one!!

[KatsWhiskers]

Hello there - long time no speak.

I know what you're saying - we're not together much during the day or night. Mum is in bed most of the time - and I call her down for meals. She's not interested in the TV so usually returns to bed.

It's when we're together that her temper comes out - and I understand as she must feel terribly frustrated. Not knowing whats going on; wondering why on earth there's the role reversal. I don't know - maybe the brain doesn't allow her to think - but we're not under one another's feet.

I cannot and will not just put her in the car and dump her in a home - I would feel so guilty and extremely upset. She wouldn't last there more than a day. She's always refused to eat away from home; to use any lavatory other than her own etc etc..... so many things. She really is a one off - and I'm stupid I know to have let her treat me how she has.

Hope you're keeping well ?

Take care and every good wish for 2010.

[Grannie G]

Kat if your mother is in bed most of the time couldn`t you get someone in without her knowing and just have a break for a while.

No one wants you to `dump` your mother in a care home. But you are entitled to some quality of life and are posting here to off load. It sounds almost as if you are a prisoner, being held to ransom because you are living in your mothers house.

Your mother might be a one off but you are allowing her to be so. Illness or not it is unacceptable behaviour and people on TP are worried about you.

Take care.

[KatsWhiskers]

... in response to my thread.

I really do appreciate what everyone has said - and understand exactly what you're is so right.

I will try to arrange for someone to come in so that I can get out for an hour or two (have Tesco's deliver once a week) but it would be eonderful just to have some me time. I won't tell Mum - and just go but I know what I'll be in for when I get back.
It's been tried before - the problem being that most of the Carers are a lot younger so obviously they have nothing in common. They're not well educated - have no qualifications an I'm sad to say that they're of a low standard. Case of them not being able to obtain jobs without qualifications so the Agencies take them on and they become Carers tather than be unemployed. There are those of course who are dedicated to their work and their patients and of course they're usually ladies that have been nurses in the past - and more mature. But they're very few and far between in Ramsgate !

Mum was a doctor's wife - but sadly I lost my Dad many years as he was 20 years older than Mum. I know that Mum has always lived in the past and maybe even a little Victorian in her ways. There was an instance last month when I took Mum to the doctor's surgery for her Flu Jab. We were ushered into the Nurse's room and the Nurse said "Park your bum on that chair A....". I couldn't believe my ears nor the look of horror on Mum's face. Mum is old fashioned yes - as she believes in being called by her surname - which I respect. But so should these young nurses. The "Park your bum" was totally inappropriate behaviour too.

Maybe this might make things clearer as to what sort of person Mum is ? I'm no snob by any means - but I too have my standards.

Anyway - take care and all the best for 2010

[gigi]

Hello KatsWhiskers,

I've just been catching up with TP and your thread fills me with sadness.

I would urge you to have a CARERS' ASSESSMENT....this will identify your own needs ...you are entitled to this and it may well be the key to unlocking your problems with your mum.

It's not about money..it's about your own needs.

And you definitely need to take control of this situation. Once you make the first move you will feel better about yourself.
Actually..you need to realise that you ARE in control of the situation...but haven't realised it.

Your mother is totally dependent on you. Without you she would not survive. But that does not give her the right to dictate to you what happens.

I was at this stage with my husband a while ago..walking on egg-shells, afraid of denying him or upsetting him. Respite seemed an impossibility. It can and does happen...but you need help and support to make it happen.

I cannot and will not just put her in the car and dump her in a home - I would feel so guilty and extremely upset. She wouldn't last there more than a day. She's always refused to eat away from home; to use any lavatory other than her own etc etc

That's the way you are seeing it. That's because you are catering for your mother's every need to keep the peace.

But in doing that you are denying yourself the life you have a right to live.

Please ask for that Carers' Assessment...and if you have difficulty telling them how things are for you print off this thread and show it to them.

Your mum has rights, of course.

But so do you.

Love xx

[KatsWhiskers]

Thanks you for not saying I'm not selfish and for the kind words.

As you know my mother continues to refuse to have anyone in the house - either for her - or for me. (Laughs when it's suggested that I might need some respite!) Although Social Services - CrossRoads Admiral Nursing - you name it - they've all tried but she just will not have it so there's nothing I or they can do can do about it unbkless she agrees. The question often crops up "What if I become ill - then what" ????

I know I have to be strong but I just wish so much I had someone to care for me. By care I mean feelings and concern - someone to give me a hug .

I know thousands are in the same position but its Holiday times like this - that we realise just how alone we are and of course who your real friends are.
theit's at times like this when you find out just how alone we are - and of course who are real friends are.

Best wishes to you both for 2010

xx

[jenniferpa]

I wish virtual hugs would do the job. You have them to excess.

Look I know you feel trapped, and unable to see your way through, but I think from what you say you need to avail yourself of some form of respite. No where, NO WHERE, is it written that you have to sacrifice your self for a family member.

I want to say (but I understand that this may not fly) that just because she feels that you don't need more support that that is not true. And honestly, if you become that ill- well, she'll just have to deal with it.

I don't know whether it helps but you have my admiration.

[Margarita]

Selfish! You must be feeling very negative of yourself too even think that of yourself , as I would think you’re the lest person to be selfish.

I don't know whether it helps but you have my admiration.

You have mine also ( admiration )

I do think of you sometimes wondering how your getting on.

[Izzy]

Just an early morning hug to say take care. Izzy x

[Grannie G]

Your mother has dictated long enough and it`s time to put your foot down. Ill or not you must not let her bully you any longer.
Stay with her but give her no companionship. Give her the necessary basics but then withdraw into another room. Create a sitting room for yourself. I know it won`t solve your problem of isolation but it might stop your mother`s dominance.
Perhaps in time she may allow you to accept help.
I`m sorry to sound so mean but you have put up with this treatment for long enough.

[Winnie Kjaer]

Hello Kat, I am so sorry you have found yourself in this position and Jennifer is so right with everything she and others have said. Let me tell you a little sad story.
My husband's cousin died on 1st December having been in a CH for 6 years with dementia. She stop sorking to look after her mother 24/7 who like your mother would not let her 3 daughters have any visitors friends og anybody else coming to the house. When the mother died the other two sisters carried on the tradition and my husband's cousin ended up caring for these two sisters too, one at the time. She was in her early 80ish when the last sister died and her own dementia had already set in. She ended up in the CH by the time she was 90 and apart from one ex colleague and us her only relatives never had any visitors. We could not attend the funeral due to the long distance, so the one friend and his son were the only one who went. How sad is that. The moral of the story is never cut yourself completely off from friends and support, it is hard enough when you have plenty of both. I would suggest you have a carer's assessment as qickly as possible and take it from there, you will soon see the difference. If you start now, you will have the support in place by the time you REALLY cannot cope with your mother by yourself anymore and having been there twice myself that time inevitably does come. I send you lots of lots of hugs and please keep posting.