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  1. #1
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    Impacting on our life

    Where do I start. My father in law who is 91 is I believe showing signs of dementia. My husband his only son is at his wits end because of his father's behaviour. He is accusing him now on a daily basis of moving or stealing things from his house. My father in law is a very stubborn man who will not accept any outside help, so everything is left to my husband. My husband (Alan) has given up doing the housework because of the accusations but his father still accusing him. Alan phones several times a day (as we do not live nearby) only to have his father shout and rant down the phone at him that he has stolen more items, all of which are trivial things like phone books, packs of cards, he keeps on at Alan wanting him to say that he has taken them, Alan tries to calm him but he puts the phone down. He has also got upset because he found a jumper in his house which he said wasnt his, it was of course.

    Why am I contacting your forum because like my husband we dont know what to do. We are assuming it is dementia.

    It is no good suggesting he sees as doctor as he is adamamant it is not him who is moving these items, and does not like doctors.

    I am at my wits end because it is affecting my husband's health he is getting short tempered and we end up arguing.

    Any suggestions by anyone as to who we could speak to in confidence so that my father in law would not know.
     

  2. #2
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    hello eileen, i prob wont be much help as i havnt gone through that , i can only suggest that you phone his gp and ask for help maybe he could pop in just to see how he is getting on. if allans dad isnt at risk and can look after himself maybe allan should ask his dad to phone him when he needs anythingor perhaps cut down on the phone calls he makes. sorry if im not helping but im sure others will be along soon xxx
    love lyn/wifeand mum
     

  3. #3
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    Hi Eileen,

    Do you think your father in law may agree to see a doctor if he was called in ostensibly for a routine "elderly check-up", or accept a visit from a doctor for such a check?

    You can contact his GP and tell him/her exactly what you've told us here and stress the need for confidentiality and keeping the visit low-key. If you could keep a diary of what is going on that would also be useful for the doctor.

    While the doctor is unlikely to be able to diagnose dementia (if that is what it is), he can arrange for your father in law to see a consultant. Again, if the even could be kept low key and general rather than saying it was in a memory clinic, your f-i-l may be more receptive.

    Other than that I really don't know. How is he coping with eating/personal hygeine and so forth? If he appears to be at risk then it may be worth calling in Social Services.

    Sorry I can't be of more help

    Vonny xx
    Vonny
    Former Carer

    TP: "A little light in great darkness" Ezra Pound

     

  4. #4
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    Unhappy

    Well since reporting on this site in Dec 2009 things have moved on. We had tried several approaches to Dad's GP with little success other than B12 injections, which did nothing. Dad's outburst were increasing and he told us that he was having hallucinations. Things came to a head a week ago last Thursday when we received a telephone call from the Police to say that Dad had called them out because he had intruders (of course he didn't) which were another of his hallucinations. They advised he be sent to hospital which we agreed and saw this as an opportunity to have dad assessed. Luckily for us they decided to keep him in and do a head scan, which revealed nothing. After keeping him in for two days Dad began to show the behaviour he had only shown to us to the hospital staff. He became aggressive, abusive and began wandering in the evening. He was placed on a behavioural watch which shows that he was aggressive and abusive every day it got so bad they had to medicate him. His decline whilst he has been in hospital has happened overnight he is almost unrecognisable. He is hardly able to walk or get up out of a chair. In the course of the week he has received a laceration to his face that no one at the hospital can tell us how he got it, dad's story is that the doctor tied him up and beat him up. A day later when we visited he has several cuts on his hand and up his arm and a bandage on his finger the hospital staff said he did these whilst getting aggressive with a nurse hurting himself on the bed.

    Dad's memory comes and goes, the OT at the hospital seems to be the only one who can connect with him. She sat him down and explained that he would not be able to go home as he could not care for himself and could be a danger to himself and others and suggested a care home, she asked him what he thought and he said it would be best. However I am still not certain he understands what this means.

    It seems almost impossible even at this stage to get someone to give us a diagnosis, everytime we asked we are told it is a complex disease and very hard to diagnose, has anybody else had this problem if so what do we need to do to get a firm diagnosis?

    The OT seemed well pleased that Dad agreed with her and said she would get things moving to get a discharge, surely not before we are given some answers ie as they are trying to control his agression with medication will he be on this medication all the time also who will monitor this medication when he goes into a Care home. They have had to change the medication once as the first one seemed to make him worse. She said Social Services would be contacting us. As dad as his own house albeit a small one and some savings it is obvious he will be self funding. If this is the case does he still need to be means tested by social services?

    Sorry I have covered so much here but our heads are swimming at the moment on top of all this we have a much needed boliday booked for the end of August. Any help anyone can give us regarding BMI care homes, etc would be greatly appreciated.

    Also one more thing, we do not have an LPA at present is it worth getting one or can we carry on managing dad's affairs as we have always done. We have his bank cards as we used to get his money out for him and do all his shopping can we still carry on doing this now?

    What nightmare we are all unaware of what carers have to go through until we are faced with a loved one getting his awful disease. I commend those who are still caring for loved one's at home.

    Once again I apologise for going on so, hopefully each day will get easier than it is today.
    Last edited by eileenread; 14-08-2010 at 11:44 AM. Reason: put wrong date down
     

  5. #5
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    Gosh Eileen,how quickly things have moved on.

    I can not give you all the answers you are looking for.

    Others on this forum no doubt will have shared similar experiences and will be along over the weekend.

    keep checking on this site over the next few days.

    Best wishes for now, Angela.
    `As we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same`

    NELSON MANDELA

     

  6. #6
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    Hi Angela

    Thanks for your quick response things have progressed quickly which is quite frightening we just want some answers from the NHS but seem to be going over the same old story with them we have now told 5 doctors about his condition and how he has been over the past two years and still they havent given us any firm diagnosis. We are going to insist on Monday that we see the Phychiatrist who saw him this week. Hopefully when we speak to him he may have some answers.

    Thanks for responding
     

  7. #7
    Hello, well I can offer some sympathy if nothing else :-) Your FIL does sound similiar to mine in some ways, our GP has confirmed that he clearly has some form of dementia but we don't have a definite diagnosis and to be honest we have sort of given up trying for one. For years we were told everything was down to old age but I have always felt it was more than that, hence the reason I found this site. He is much more aggressive and upset when away from home.
    I would say it can't hurt to have the SS financial assessment, they may have some advice that would help with your other questions about LPA etc, I really don't know about that.
    I'm sure others will agree that there is no need to apologise :-) We are all here for support :-)
     

  8. #8
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    Thanks Christin, I sympathise with you if you are are having the same problems we have over the past two years. I am not a doctor but detailing his behaviour, he ticks all the boxes on the dementia fact sheet, I can see he has dementia, the hallucinations and the fact that he has still got some memory points towards him having Lewy Bodies but course this can only be definitely confirmed after death, who cares then. I am also wondering if he has Parkinsons as up until last week we could move around, albeit with a walking stick and was going up and down stairs. Now he is having trouble walking with assistance and cannot get up out of a chair even tho OT said leave him let him do it himself, which he couldnt and eventually she had to help. It seems if you want a diagnosis you have to form your own based on information given out by various societies.

    Oh I do feel like I am going to have a weekend of ranting about the Health Service and like, whilst I know they are doing a good job given the resourses they have I do feel not enough is being done.
     

  9. #9
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    Vague diagnosis

    Although she's been on Aricept 8 years Mother's diagnosis is currently described to me by GP as "Probable Alzheimers", as he said they can only do a 100% diagnosis after death. She was earlier "Unspecified dementia". Perhaps the name doesn't matter too much, just the care needs? Best wishes, Pam
     

  10. #10
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    Hi Pam

    I think you are right but for some without a diagnosis they are unable to get the help they need. As Dad's decline has been so rapid we feel that we should be given some answers from the experts and we havent really been told anything other than it wont get better it will only get worse. Perhaps if we could have got dad a diagnosis two years ago he could have been prescribed something to slow its progression down, when we did finally get his GP to look at him he prescribed B12 and told us that will do the trick, and other than arrange for a 3 month booster he hasnt bothered to check on him since despite receiving calls and letters from us about his worrying behaviour
     

  11. #11
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    Eileen, hi
    I'm so sorry you are going through this, it's so frustrating and difficult to get your head around.

    Things seem to be so very different in different parts of the country, there isn't a nationwide policy for any of the professional bodies and people involved so it's very hard to give advice so a few ideas:

    LPA would be a good idea if FIL is capable, both the finance and health ones.

    SS might be very helpful and offer you a lot of support with form filling, etc. they might help with viewing and suggesting care homes, it's always worth asking.

    If you have been dealing with FIL's finances for some time it might get tricky without LPA or official permission (can't remember what it's called) from the DWP or his pension provider.

    The banks also seem to have different versions of how they deal with this situation, even within the same bank, so it's very hard to give advice if the LPA isn't available to you but please do keep very detailed accounts of everything you do with the money, when you take it out, how much and what it's for, keep receipts and show that you've tried to get the best deals for house insurance for example, sorry but it's so important to do the right thing and be able to prove that you have, just in case.

    Good luck and keep posting, it helps you and it also helps others as it keep all these things in mind.
    Best wishes, Jo
     

  12. #12
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    Thanks for Advice Jo. We have printed off LPA form ready for when we speak to Social Services. Looking in our local area there does not seem to be too many placements with EMI facilities there seems so much to do and take in we are feeling muddled ourselves so any help social services can give will be appreciated but our dealings with them in the past do not bode well. Perhaps now he is in hospital things may be different. I know what you mean regarding receipts etc and see where you are coming from.

    I will keep you posted along the way.

     

  13. #13
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    Hello Eileen, If your father in law is self funding then social services usually leave it to you to find a care home. Are you claiming Attendance Allowance.? When my mum went into hospital (also with no diagnosis of dementia) (after wandering at 3am) the hospital had an Age Concern dept and they helped with form filling. The hospital's social worker should help with a list of suitable care homes.
    I would also advise getting the LPA sorted asap. I understand how stressful this is, please keep posting.


    turbo
     

  14. #14
    Hi Eileen

    We had to have a financial assessment from SS when my mum went in a care home and they will do a property disregard period till the house is sold or you can self fund until things are clearer if you have enough savings I think.

    I think you should try for a Power of Attorney and also a Health POA if you can, I missed out on getting this but now wish I had as it makes it easier to get doctors to listen to you if you have one. I think the solicitor has to be sure your parent has capacity to appoint you though and this may be tricky - I am not sure how it works as I set mine up for Mum before she got too ill to decide.

    If you have an unsympathetic GP you could try and change doctor, I did and now Mum has a fab doctor compared with the last one.

    You could try contacting your local Alzheimer's society adviser, my one is really helpful and there is a person specifically for carers in my area.

    It is a real pity things have had to reach crisis point before anything started to happen, and I found it hard to read your posts. I do hope you start to find some level ground soon; but you will always find support on here. x
    piedwarbler


    Prayer of the Breton fishermen: “Dear God, be good to me. The sea is so wide, and my boat is so small.”
     

  15. #15
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    I would definately get the POA organised as soon as possible, Grandad has his own home and none of the utility providers would speak to us until we'd sent of certified copies.

    When you complete the POA - write a letter to the Office of the Public Guardian requesting 2 copies of the POA - they will provide you 2 copies of each for free.

    Good luck with the hunt for the home - if they can get his medication correct a nursing home maybe able to cope with him.
     

 

 

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