Christmas

[Christin]

I agree with MaggieMay - I dread Christmas. The effort of making everything seem 'normal' is exhausting. Last Christmas Day we spent 6 hours in casualty when FIL collapsed after dinner - no known reason. He was sent home, apparently nothing wrong him, and I dread the same happening again this year. I always want to make Christmas extra special for my family and I always seem to fail.

[julieann15]

This is my first with MIL(Mum) being in the care home near me. we will pick her up in the morning and bring her to ours for present opening and lunch with my sons and our daughter.

Another first to handle?

Love Julie xx

[nocturne]

This will be my first Christmas since Mum went into a care home, too. I think that this is a really hard time of year for all carers, whether their loved ones are at home or in care. It has been a big worry as I have no other relatives in this area. For years we have spent Christmas with my cousin and his famiy about 60 miles away, staying for 3 days as I am partially sighted and not allowed to drive. Of course, there are no trains or buses on either Christmas Day or Boxing Day. They can't come here as their married daughters, who have young children, have to split their Christmas Day between the two sets of grandparents. Do I miss out on the famiy Christmas and be on my own apart from the possibly stressful hours with Mum or do we risk it and both go as usual? My cousin says "come" as there will be plenty of people to help with Mum but, of course, he has had litle experience of the bad days. On a good day Mum will cope, but can I rely on 3 good days? Usually I do go on my gut feeling when making decisions about Mum. The problem now is whether if I decide to go, my gut feeling is more about my own selfish desire not to be alone at Christmas.
I feel for all of you who are facing a similar dilemma. Whatever we do it is never going to feel quite as it should.
Jan

[Pollyanna]

Can I join in? It's my nan's first Christmas in her care home.

She was never wanted to leave her house at Christmas, she didn't ever want to cause anyone any trouble and seem to be contented with this. For the last 12 years, I have always spent a couple of hours with her on Christmas Day, mostly on my own. Those visits have left me with such happy memories of when there have been just the two of us. I must admit the visits were the highlight of Christmas.

She wouldn't leave the care home now and it would be too much for all of us.

This year, I'll go to her home. It will be different and the conversation won't be the same, but at least she is here and I'm just grateful I have another Christmas with her.

I'm quite looking forward to is. There are some 'characters' at the care home and I'd like to see them too. I'm sure everyone will help to make it a nice day for the residents.

I don't have a big family anymore so there is no dilemma regarding time. I see so many people torn at Christmas rushing from house to house trying not to upset anyone.

Like many people, I find Christmas Day difficult. I feel that you're meant to be happy and your meant to be grateful for what you have, but it's often a painful reminder of what you had, lost, miss and want back

Polly x

[shelagh]

It breaks my heart to read how much you all want Christmas to be as good as it can be for those you love, and how you long for it to be as much like it was as you can.
Here's a glimpse of Christmas from the other side - from someone who has Alzheimer's even in the early stages.
I dread it. It's too noisy, too bright, too crowded. Things don't look the way they should, I walk along the road with the dog and see a house decorated all over with Christmas lights, and although I can still remember after the first moment of confusion why it is, it unsettles me. Even going to the hairdressers on Friday the big Christmas tree frightened me, it made the salon look different, the furniture was all changed round to accomodate it and so I had to keep reminding myself where I was and why it had all changed - it was a struggle. Every change is a struggle and it's so exhausting.
It was my birthday yesterday and I have only managed to open a few of my presents this morning. I was nervous about the unknown under the wrappers, although part of me knew they were good things, I worried about where to put the new things, knowing I would be surprised and unsettled when I come across them and what have to remember them all over again. Every new 'thing' has to be learned and remembered, sometimes it's worth it. Sometimes I wonder. This is how it is for me and it may not be for others, but I suspect it might find echoes in some of your loved ones.
The only thing that really matters will be the hugs, the touches of hands, the strokes. Please remember those and forget about the rest even though it will mean it is such a different experience of Christmas
Love to you all
Shelagh

[Val_B]

Can I join in? It's my nan's first Christmas in her care home. ...This year, I'll go to her home. It will be different and the conversation won't be the same, but at least she is here and I'm just grateful I have another Christmas with her.

I'm quite looking forward to is. There are some 'characters' at the care home and I'd like to see them too. I'm sure everyone will help to make it a nice day for the residents.

It is nice to hear of someone who is feeling positive about a different type of Christmas, and of your happy memories of visits to your nan in the past . I have worked in a care home in the past, and enjoyed the Christmas shift very much!

...you're meant to be happy and your meant to be grateful for what you have, but it's often a painful reminder of what you had, lost, miss and want back

Polly x

That is so true. I've been reflecting on this and am trying to focus more on what is, and on enjoying the here and now ...

[nocturne]

Shelagh,
It was really good to hear a view "from the other side". I noticed last year that Mum did not seem to enjoy opening her presents and your experience has helped me to understand her problem. I know that the noise bothers her too, but it is hard to find a quiet haven whether she stays in the home or spends Christmas with the family. On the whole, I think that what you say suggests we go to the family as, at least then, she will be on familiar territory. Not all the residents in her home have dementia and as many are away at Christmas all the festivities will be in the main lounge away from her usual area.
I hope that you can find a quiet and comfortable place to relax at Christmas and that you get lots of hugs from your family.
Jan

[vdg]

Shelagh, thank you so much for posting your view from the other side.It has helped me to understand why my Mum was so upset on her last birthday.This was the first time I started to realise that something was really seriously wrong and was the beginning of her downward spiral from independence through being in hospital to living in a home.
Your post has helped me enormously as I prepare for Christmas and given me things to think about and perpare so that Mum will enjoy her time with us and not be frightened or upset.
We have already talked about how noisy the children will be and although I know she is looking forward to seeing them because she loves little ones we have also ensured that she knows she can say it's hometime at any time she likes.We've been practising this on her visits to our house for the past few weeks.I do have to remind her though! lol!

[Val_B]

Shelagh
Thank you very much for your insight "from the other side". I could see that Mum was very anxious during her birthday party at the NH recently, and that she felt responsible for everyone having a good time because it was her birthday: I sort of understood that and your description is also very helpful, too.
With Xmas approaching she is worrying about getting the groceries in, even though for the past few Xmasses I've organised this at her house (and this year she is in a Nursing Home). We are currently thinking we will have Mum round here for Xmas dinner, but this will be mid-afternoon and I know she'll spend the morning worrying about when we're going to arrive. Mum is aware of the season and wants to enjoy it to the full ... it's so hard to know what to do for the best.
I'll talk to the staff at the home, and we may change our plans (several times!!) ...

[lizzi]

hi, this will be my first xmas at mums since she's had ad.... im going to be with her for 5days and im dreading it.

i stayed with her last weekend and i didnt sleep for 41 hours.. needless to say neither did mum.

my family dont do xmas so no one other than my brother who lives with her will be there.

last time i steyed i tried so many thing to keep mum occupied but nothing seemed to work... has anyone got any ideas for me on how to cope?

this is my first time on the forum... iv read lots and gaind so much by reading the advise

lizzi xx

[Margaret W]

It will be different for everyone. We only had one Christmas with mum after she was diagnosed with AD. The Christmas before was normal, the decline was rapid in the following year. I worried that she would not know where she was or who she was with.

It went like a dream. One of her granddaughters collected her about 11 a.m. and she arrived to a sherry and a mince pie, as always. We timed dinner very carefully to be at 1 p.m. instead of the usual "when it is ready", and she enjoyed a good meal. A cup of tea after, and a dish of trifle and about 4 p.m. she said "Well, I'd better be getting back now", so I took her back to the home, and she told everyone she had had such a lovely day. I cried. It was actually the nicest (most worthwhile, I mean) Christmas I had had since I was a young girl.

Contrast that with a month later when I took her out of the home to get a new hearing aid, and after an hour's absence she thought she had nowhere to live and was crying and pannicking about it.

See how it goes, is all I can say.

Margaret

[Christin]

I would like to say thankyou, Shelagh too. FIL has never enjoyed Christmas or birthdays and your reply has helped me to understand why. He has never explained why he disliked them and we always tried so hard to involve him in everything we did, so that he didn't feel left out. Obviously a very different approach is needed this year. Best wishes to you.

[eire]

We are also gearing up for the first Christmas since my Mom went into the nursing home . Mom doesn't like to leave the home now ... she got very anxious after 5 minutes in my sister's house last week and wanted to go back to the nursing home. Thank you so much Shelagh for sharing your insight... it certainly helps to get an insiders view and we will try not to crowd my Mom with visitors/presents etc., over the holidays to try to avoid adding to her anxiety.

[ChristineR62]

I generally cook a Christmas dinner for us both from scratch, which inevitably means I spend all Christmas morning in the kitchen.

This year, I'm mindful of the fact that this might be Mum's last Christmas at home, so instead of cooking from scratch, I'm buying in things I can just stick in the oven, so I can spend time with her instead. We'll probably just watch the telly, cuddle the dogs, and have a glass of wine or two

I don't know what the situation will be next year; I'll just have to deal with whatever that throws at us at the time.

[NewKid]

I too am struggling with the dilemna of what to do and taking on board everything input here - my Mum and Dad have spent lovely Christmasses at our home for many years but now Dad's gone and Mum's in a new CH. Anyway, after considering much advice from relatives and friends (ignored) my little family (2 girls and husband) are bringing Mum to stay.. as usual. She's not local you see so we're planning for 2 nights (Christmas Eve til Boxing Day) which will (hopefully) involve quiet times (thanks for your thoughts Shelagh particularly) on the sofa, giving and receiving gifts, and an almighty amount of good food and wine. Also big signs on the loo door and me 'sleeping' (ha ha) with Mum to ensure she doesn't do as last year and set out upstairs to our neighbours flat to find the bathroom. Etc Etc. Etc. Yes I am worried about the capacity for oddity (eg dirty knickers stuffed behind radiators or down the loo) and disorientation and she might ask me difficult questions every/ all day (like 'where's Dad' as a starter..) But as things stand today .. we're giving it a go. Like you all, I just want my Mum at Christmas and hope I get a little bit of her back for some of the time. I really hope we all have a good time in our various ways - I'm sure this discussion will keep rolling!