Hi. I've been lurking on TP for ages and must say it's a fantastic place full of useful insight and information, sound advice, and many lovely, sensible, compassionate people. I'm sorry I've lurked so long but I've felt somewhat overawed by your experience and knowledge! You've also answered most of my questions before I've even realised I needed to ask them, and I'm additionally very conscious that my situation is nowhere near as heartbreaking as most.
However, I have a problem that I don't recall seeing on the forum.
A year ago I realised in a blinding flash that my mother was suffering from dementia. I jumped up and down (a lot!) and finally managed to get her referred to the 'memory clinic' where she was diagnosed with short-term memory loss, likely to be Alzheimer's. After various upsets - thinking she'd been burgled and calling out the police, locking herself in her flat, phoning me constantly, panicking she'd been out with and 'lost' long dead family members - basically (as I learned from TP) all the usual sorta stuff - I somehow managed to persuade her to move into a care home.
Because my mother is very fit and active, and in many ways is still very articulate and bright, she went into an older person's CH rather than a dementia registered home. Unfortunately, because she likes to go out (she's always been a keen walker - probably why she's still so fit and active) she resents it if the CH try to stop her going out in the evenings, and she has also been upsetting the other residents by accusing them of stealing things. She had been in the CH for exactly 12 weeks when she had a particularly bad evening and climbed out of a waist-high window to get out. She's 90. I said she was fit! As a result the CH have said they are no longer willing to keep her there.
We live in a south coast town with loads of CHs but I am finding it impossible to know how to find somewhere suitable for her. Because she is so active and loves to go out, her greatest pleasure being to walk along the sea front, I'd like to find somewhere where she will be allowed out. But because of her dementia and challenging behavior it needs to be a CH with dementia experience. However, with the CHs who have very early dementia residents, I'm concerned my mother will cause too many upsets, and after they talk to her existing CH they decline to take her anyway. Those CHs for more advanced dementia cases don't seem suitable because my mother can still be very articulate and bright and will simply have no one to interact with, and be completely baffled why she's there. Her SW has no advice, and everyone I talk to agrees she is very difficult to place. Someone suggested finding a CH with very large grounds, but there are none in the town where we live, and I am reluctant to move her away from the sea, from me, and from the one or two friends who still see her.
I've looked at over a dozen CHs in the last week or so (not so easy when you work full time in another town!) and I feel I've more or less reached the end of the road, and the end of my tether. I'm desperately sad at the thought of having to confine her to a locked home for advanced dementia residents (where I suspect she would have to be sedated into submission) when she is currently still capable of a far more active and interactive existence.
Reading through this, even I can see there are no answers, but wondered if anyone had ever had a similar experience?