shelagh

It has been a lovely Christmas at my daughter's house, except for the bad news about baby Matthew, which worried us all. I managed better than I thought I would. The only difficult time was opening my stocking, bulging with presents as usual. But I was so nervous about it I couldn't do it. I've realised why openening presents is so hard for me. It has been a really inexplicable fear but it really hit me on Christmas morning. I realised I was afraid their might be a rat in the depth of the stocking. I have a terror of rats, always have had, partly dating back to a BBC TV film of 1984 when I was a young girl, Peter Cushing with rats inside his hemlet and partly due to so called 'jokes' my sadistic step father used to play on me when I was a child. One of the very common things about AZ is that past memories become more real than the present. I seeem to be remembering the past a lot lately and sadly remembering some of the really dreadful times in my childhood that generally I can put away again. But I am somehow not able to anymore. So there was a lot of fear around Christmas,
SIL did all the cooking and I think Paul really appreciated not having to do it. I barely cook at all these days as I struggle so much with the cooker and following complicated processes through to the end - not good when you are following a complicated receipe.
Lovely to be with my grandchildren and lots of other extended family members - mostly much loved.
My delicious Daisy aged 2 has suddenly decided that she really likes me. The first of the grandchildren who has ever been shy with me, so it was wonderful to hear her calling out 'Daisy wants Nanny' She also solved the problem of the Christmas stocking. I took her up to our bedroom on Boxing day, and she opened all the parcels, hamded them over to me with a bewitching smile - 'nother one for Nanny' and not a trace of a rat.
My siblings are in the middle of a family crisis - not for the first time - and when we get back from our holiday my young nephew Jack, who has dropped out of University is coming to live with us for a while. Another one with stepfather problems. I think Paul will enjoy the company of a very quiet boy, and Paul's gentle kindness will be good for Jack I hope. He will be one of a long line of waifs and strays that have found a home with us from time to time. It's good to know I can still be useful.
I'm struggling a bit with my Excelon patches I keep forgetting where I put them on my body and thinking I have taken the old one off when I haven't. I thought I could cope with them without Paul's help. But maybe I can't
Matty is still in hospital on ozygen and while not appreciably improving is not deteriorating. We did miss him and his Mum on Boxing day. My son Stephen brought Daisy and the two older boys Ben and Tim over to join the family party. Thry had not had much of a Christmas up until then. If I can find the instructions I was sent to post pictures I'll do that.
There were some magical moments - finding my 15 year old grandaughter Hatty curled up in a quiet room reading Pride and Prejudice which was part of a Jane Austen set she had asked me for at Christmas. It was like seeing my young self re-created. Alexander rolling on the floor with the two dogs, my wonderful daughter taking over my old role as host of the Christmas celebrations but doing it with far more calm and grace than I ever did.
And there were bittersweet memories too, of my first husbands last Christmas, he died in January, and trying to make a good Christmas for the children while he was dying of cancer upstairs. Sometimes I think the memories that are uncovered as AZ develops cause as many problems as the loss of memory
It was lovely as it always is - but I'm so glad to be home.