chana

i havent written for awile. i got sick. i have what they call a periferal neuropathy in my legs. that means the nerves from outside the brain and spinal cord are dying.i can barely walk. i need a cane.im not even 65.my mom died --its aboiut 6 weeks now aqnd im still mourning for her. i know that takes a long time. my heart is so broken up.people tell me it gets better, i need patience. i know that, but my birthday is coming. my mom would sing HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me on the phone. she had the worst singing voice, but to me it was beautiful. i know my birthday will hit me hard because of this. also my moms buirthday is coming up. im afraid to think what will happen then. sure i have my husband and son. theyre the best, but a mom is a mom. these are different relationships.now with my illness i have to change my whole lifestyle. its a forever thing.,so far the meds are not working.whether they worked or not or i have surgery my legs will never be what they were. this is like a death se3ntence for me. my husband cant sleep well over the worry for me. in dont know what id do without him. i know if my mom were here shed know what to say and do.shed be here in a minute.now shes gone. i truly need her now. my sister stole the whole inheritance. we have no relationship and i can never condone what she did. how can a daughter steal from a mother? its beyond comprehension. i thought once my mom was gone wed have each other and that would make it easier and wed be strong toget¨her.but i realize now i never had a sister. it was a fantasy on my part.i dont want the money and neither does my son. but the point is---she and her husband took an old lady and who knows what they told her that she signed. there was a will made by her and my dad around 1979. that was the will. they were born with nothing and my dad had 3 jobs and my mom worked for 25 years. my dad was an accountant and they made good investments. they wanted every<thing equal so we have aneasier life. thats commendable, but it didnt work. lawyaers charge 500 dollars an hr what i dont have, but my husband wants no litigation. hes afraid fior my health . i had 2 haqnd operations and my left hand is no good. luckily im a right handed person.now my legs.this was the worst year of my life.my husband wants me to forget them.i agree. i tried. i just want them to rest in peace.i miss them so.if i feel a little better im going to the cemetery with my son. i will put a letter on top of the grave to them. (i hope this doesnt sound too crazy) ill hold the letter there with rocks. i hope they know i tried. my whole family---grandparents. aunts, uncles, are dead. they were honorable. where does my sister(I dont even want to call her a sister) fit in? no one is like her.i can never forgive this.sure i canstop this sham of a will from going thru. 4 lawyers told me i ---HAVE A HELL OF A CASE., but the litigation and money is not good for me.my husband has a heart condition. its not good for him either.i need him.so im letting it go.i tried, but im lettit go. i hope thats the right decision. my dad would have said---DONT GET EVEN.IT DOESNT WORK. THE WORLD TURNS. will she enjoy this money? i hope not.my son also feels im right.they trusted her. i lived too fasr to do this it would have been unpractical and they trusted her.if i lived closer they wanted me. they knew i was honorable.i could never do something like this and its eating me up alive. to hurt my beautiful, wise parents---its a hard thintg to bear. we4 have no relationship and never will. i dont want her in my life. i can never forgive or trust her again. so here i am ----my heart is broken in thousands of pieces. will this lost feeling ever end?