sistermillicent

Things have been changing for me and now I don't think I am classed as a carer any more, I may even have to reclassify myself as an invisible. It finally got the better of me, and I have backed off. I have visited only twice this summer, I have no regrets. My final attempt at helping dad with computers etc was to find out about the age uk silver surfers course and he declined, he could not accept that I would be able to look after mum while he was out, so I have left it at that.
He is spending this respite visiting my two sisters, he has not visited me in two years. I don't mind about this, but I do find it interesting.

I am afraid I turned down my sister's kind offer of her husband taking dad out for a night in London at some fancy do so that I could look after mum while he was away.

Today I was ignored in John Lewis - I wanted to buy a new washing machine and tumble dryer, but when I asked about the make I was interested in the man offered me a catalogue. I refused and said I would prefer to look at the machines so he walked off and spent ages discussing the machines with another customer, as did another salesman. I shook my keys about for a bit and stood there for ten minutes, I even took a machine to bits to see how the filters went in etc,
Then I left. I am going to buy them online at sainsburys and get nectar points too.

I think being a carer has left me little more than a shell, or maybe not as pretty as a shell, perhaps a battered old bin to put rubbish in, the kind of bin that is hidden behind the sofa. Useful, serves a purpose. It reminds me in a way of what my mother wrote in my 21st birthday card "you are a very worthwhile daughter". I know she meant it kindly.
But I don't want to be worthwhile, I would much rather be adored.

I've been the token woman all my life
The token daughter and the token wife
Now I collected tokens one by one
'til I've saved enough to buy a gun
Now you can't get even but you can get mad
And it's not funny no and it's not sad
It's just a feeling that I've always had
Oh look out world I'm about to be bad
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/k/kirsty+..._20079616.html ]
I want a brief encounter in a stolen car
A hand on my buttock in a spanish bar
I want to meet the man who wants to go too far
For a token of my affection
I want to taste excitement
Smell the danger
Get swept off my feet by the perfect stranger
I want to try something that I've never had
Oh look out world I'm about to be bad

I've been an awful woman all my life
A dreadful daughter and a hopeless wife
And I've had my eye on that carving knife
Oh you've been lucky so far
I'm not crazy no I'm just mad
I don't want to be sorry
No I want to be glad
It's just a feeling inside that I have always had
So look out world I'm about to be bad

I don't feel murderous or violent at all, but these kirsty Mccoll lyrics do rather sum up my feelings at the moment.