http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/blog.php?11357-sistermillicent A discussion forum for people with dementia and their carers en Thu, 20 Jun 2013 09:50:43 GMT vBulletin 1 http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/images/styles/Alzheimers/misc/rss.jpg http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/blog.php?11357-sistermillicent http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/entry.php?2596-changes-I-m-not-a-carer-any-more Mon, 05 Sep 2011 14:50:58 GMT Things have been changing for me and now I don't think I am classed as a carer any more, I may even have to reclassify myself as an invisible. It finally got the better of me, and I have backed off. I have visited only twice this summer, I have no regrets. My final attempt at helping dad with computers etc was to find out about the age uk silver surfers course and he declined, he could not accept that I would be able to look after mum while he was out, so I have left it at that.
He is spending this respite visiting my two sisters, he has not visited me in two years. I don't mind about this, but I do find it interesting.

I am afraid I turned down my sister's kind offer of her husband taking dad out for a night in London at some fancy do so that I could look after mum while he was away.

Today I was ignored in John Lewis - I wanted to buy a new washing machine and tumble dryer, but when I asked about the make I was interested in the man offered me a catalogue. I refused and said I would prefer to look at the machines so he walked off and spent ages discussing the machines with another customer, as did another salesman. I shook my keys about for a bit and stood there for ten minutes, I even took a machine to bits to see how the filters went in etc,
Then I left. I am going to buy them online at sainsburys and get nectar points too.

I think being a carer has left me little more than a shell, or maybe not as pretty as a shell, perhaps a battered old bin to put rubbish in, the kind of bin that is hidden behind the sofa. Useful, serves a purpose. It reminds me in a way of what my mother wrote in my 21st birthday card "you are a very worthwhile daughter". I know she meant it kindly.
But I don't want to be worthwhile, I would much rather be adored.

I've been the token woman all my life
The token daughter and the token wife
Now I collected tokens one by one
'til I've saved enough to buy a gun
Now you can't get even but you can get mad
And it's not funny no and it's not sad
It's just a feeling that I've always had
Oh look out world I'm about to be bad
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/k/kirsty+..._20079616.html ]
I want a brief encounter in a stolen car
A hand on my buttock in a spanish bar
I want to meet the man who wants to go too far
For a token of my affection
I want to taste excitement
Smell the danger
Get swept off my feet by the perfect stranger
I want to try something that I've never had
Oh look out world I'm about to be bad

I've been an awful woman all my life
A dreadful daughter and a hopeless wife
And I've had my eye on that carving knife
Oh you've been lucky so far
I'm not crazy no I'm just mad
I don't want to be sorry
No I want to be glad
It's just a feeling inside that I have always had
So look out world I'm about to be bad

I don't feel murderous or violent at all, but these kirsty Mccoll lyrics do rather sum up my feelings at the moment. ]]> sistermillicent http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/entry.php?2596-changes-I-m-not-a-carer-any-more http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/entry.php?2592-disgusted Sat, 03 Sep 2011 07:38:20 GMT I have decided to blog this rather than post it as it does not demand an answer in the way that a thread does, yesterday I discovered just how nasty some of the members on here are. I am so upset at the treatment and particularly nasty and obvious judgement of a new member that I am considering... I have decided to blog this rather than post it as it does not demand an answer in the way that a thread does, yesterday I discovered just how nasty some of the members on here are. I am so upset at the treatment and particularly nasty and obvious judgement of a new member that I am considering not returning to this site.
There are people on this site who just want it for themselves and are so small minded and petty that they cannot cope with a bit of diversity.
These same people who want to stick to all the rules find it hilarious when they hijack a thread (which I don't mind by the way) and break the ts and cs themselves.
I have posted some stuff that may well have been better left unsaid and I have been in a position of trying to discuss something on here which has obviously been a non starter and upset people, including one moderator who just didn't get what I was trying to discuss and went on and on despite the fact that I had not posted it in the support section.

and sometimes I have deleted those posts, or sometimes I have regretted what I have written about mum and gone back and deleted it a few days later. I have also seen a very unpleasant post written by a moderator on someone's thread which was completely removed an hour or so later, presumably she thought better of it, lucky her, she was able to remove it totally.

So I am off for a while, I may be back, I may not. One or two people here have my phone number, feel free to use it, others, I am sorry. ]]> sistermillicent http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/entry.php?2592-disgusted http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/entry.php?2561-a-day-wrecked-by-a-dream Fri, 26 Aug 2011 10:14:47 GMT Last night I had a dream, that I was reunited very briefly with the person I loved ten years ago, just to say goodbye, which was something we had not been able to do properly. It has left me feeling utterly abandoned and my day is in pieces before it even starts. I wonder how long I will... Last night I had a dream, that I was reunited very briefly with the person I loved ten years ago, just to say goodbye, which was something we had not been able to do properly.

It has left me feeling utterly abandoned and my day is in pieces before it even starts. I wonder how long I will continue to have these dreams, they are much less frequent than they were.

Things have become manageable over the years and I have seriously tried to find reasons to carry on (initially for the first couple of years it was entirely for the sake of my children) and I am certainly going to, but this dream has made today very very difficult.

I don't know where my friend is or what has happened to them, I don't regret ending the relationship but I wish I had been able to carry on my normal and sensible existence without knowing what it was to have a wild passionate life.

Today I am missing it. ]]> sistermillicent http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/entry.php?2561-a-day-wrecked-by-a-dream