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Out of the blue, I get a phone call from Action on Elder Abuse – preliminary check that as a ‘media volunteer’ I am Ok for a reporter/researcher to contact me for an interview. I am supposed to be ‘protecting’ myself .... so why do I automatically say, ‘Yes, anything I can do to help.’? :( Why not ‘This is not a good time right now for me to be thinking about these issues. I hope I can help in the future, but not just now’? :o

Must try harder, must try harder ......

Second session more mind-boggling than traumatising .... lots of tears, hysterical laughter once or twice, and realising digging this deep is hard, harder than any 'counselling' I have had before - but I have a brilliant therapist and the relationship is gelling and ‘sparring off’ ideas and thoughts with each other is already allowing one or two pennies to drop! And with understanding, of course, comes resolution.:)

Big discussion about ‘taking care of self’ between sessions. (Today ...

.....and now the first counselling session seems like a dream. What is it with this with ‘counselling’ or ‘therapy’ that has you switching between different worlds? Each of them feeling surreal? Just about find the ‘normal’ balance of daily life again (as normal as it ever gets these days) ... and then it’s nearly countdown to the next session. If anyone has tips on how to deal with the ‘in between’, I’d happily take them on board.

Recalled, one counsellor I had years back ...

Well, not slept properly in months (years?) so no surprise there would be no sudden change. Except there was. Exhaustion. A couple of hours disturbed sleep, then wide awake. Only unlike recently, no ‘buzz’ of energy in the middle of the night. Tossed and turned in fitful sleep, mostly flashbacks and nightmares, waking in sweat and panic ..... trying to force myself to stop seeing images from way back when that were coming subconsciously ..... what have I unleashed? :(

Then I ...

.... :( Too much time with my own thoughts, outside the safety of that counselling room. Feel strangely detached from everything else but my own problems. Can’t bear to read or know about anyone else’s. Ignoring the phone – don’t even want to speak to anyone ... see anyone. :( Wonder if it affects everyone this way. Feel very selfish – or am I just self-preserving? Remind self how fortunate I am to have this time and space to do this work. Remind self I need more structure. Might not feel ...