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I haven't posted a blog for ages now but today's been one of my bad days. I've got through the anniversary of my birthday, Gary's birthday, our wedding anniversary, not to mention the funeral and Christmas but this is the time Gary left home to go to the assessment unit - I've been on my own in the house for a year now. It's ironic really - I've been feeling so wretched today, my sense of failure and despair so raw but when I checked the date it was in fact last weekend that everything went so badly
where are you?
i have no sense of you since you've been gone
not true. i felt your presence in the car on the nightmare journey home after you died, keeping me safe. i felt warm and protected but i can't feel you now. i can't feel you anywhere.
i need to let you go , to be free of me and the awful life you had but i so want to feel you near me and i can't
maybe i don't allow my mind to be open enough, when i try all i see is images of you when you wre suffering the ravages
Originally Posted by elaine n
He really excelled himself last night! I woke up to hear a crash and he'd pulled the wardrobe over! Frightened himself to death poor devil! Fortunately it got wedged on a chair and didn't land on him - I think that's my rudest awakening to date!
Last night Gary slept til 5.45, or at least, didn't leave his room and trigger the alarm, while I, on the other hand woke at 4.15 and couldn't go back to sleep so I'm very tired again. Tonight when I put Gary to bed he said 'You're very tired aren't you? When I went to bed last night I kept telling myself, I must stay here, I must stay here'. I feel so bad that he feels the strain of this and didn't realise he was even aware of how tired I was, I thought he lived mostly in his own bubble. I had
this week hasn't been any better. Sleep deprivation makes a good torture!
Gary continues to be very disturbed and his sleep pattern is diabolical so if it doesn't settle down after this weekend I'll speak to his doctor about some medication, although I'd prefer him not to have any I know I can't go on like this. I've tried all sorts, sleeping in his room - a disaster, turning off the alarm, scarey, whatever I do I'm sleeping with one ear and eye cocked, waiting to hear him. I'm so tired,